Change Is Good, Unless It Isn't
by dontmissthis
Summary: A new medical examiner is in town and Jane would like to know more about her past. No major character deaths, but I swear you'll probably cry.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. **

**A/N: I can't believe I wrote this. May just be a one-shot, but could be multi-chapter fic if any are interested. Review and let me know!**

**lllllllllllllllll**

Jane walked into the morgue expecting to see Dr. Pike lounging lazily at his desk as he usually did around lunchtime. Instead, she turned the corner and saw a woman flittering about in five inch heels reorganizing the entire room. Confused, Jane turned a complete circle to make sure that she was, in fact, in the morgue.

The woman looked over just in time to see her spinning around. As her eyes roamed over her features, Jane couldn't help but notice how beautiful this woman actually was. Her face turned scarlet as she realized she'd been caught spinning circles and staring in less than 5 minutes. _That's a great first impression._ She finally stammered out, "Wher-where's Dr. Pike?"

"He retired yesterday," the woman said with her head cocked to the side. "May I ask what you needed him for?"

"I, uh... I just needed to ask about a case." _Damnit. Get it together Rizzoli_. She shook her head as if to rid herself from stuttering any more. "Do you know where I can find the medical examiner?"

Maura looked at Jane, baffled. Had this woman not checked her email informing everyone of the change?

"I'm the new chief medical examiner," she extended her hand for Jane to shake, "Dr. Maura Isles."

Jane shook her hand and couldn't help but notice how soft it felt in her own calloused ones. She snapped back to reality as she realized what Maura had said.

"Oh," her eyes got wide, "Oh! I'm Detective Rizzoli. But, you can call me Jane."

She had never allowed anyone she had just met call her Jane, but there was just something about this woman that made her feel at ease.

"Okay, Jane, it's wonderful to meet you," she said with a smile that brought out her dimples and lit up her eyes. Jane completely forgot the reason she went down to the morgue to begin with. Now all she wanted was to know more about Maura.

"So, what made you decide to come to Boston?"

...

4 years, 2 months, and 8 days. That's how old Tanner was when they found out he had cancer.

5 years, 6 months, 17 days. That's how old he was when the treatments completely stopped working.

Maura exhausted every resource to try and cure him. Chemotherapy, bone marrow transplants, and even alternative medicine in Mexico. But none of it had helped him. It was time to face the fact that her son was dying and there was nothing she could do to save him.

She walked over to the hospital bed where he lay for the last time. They were sending him home, a gesture of one last comfort he would be able to experience. His head was cool as she stroked the spot his once golden blonde hair used to reside. He was pale, frailer than she had ever seen him. She knew it was a miracle he was still breathing, even if she didn't believe in them.

He slowly opened his eyes and looked up at her, giving her the best smile his weak body could muster. She realized that his eyes were the only things besides his hair that closely resembled hers. Her lips pressed softly against his cheek, aware of how easily he bruised these days.

She would do anything to keep him with her. To be able to hold him against her at night, smell the baby shampoo in his hair, hear his laughter as she pushed him in the swings at the park. But it wasn't fair for her to ask him to stay with her when he was clearly in so much pain. When the cancer was reeking so much havoc to his insides that he could no longer walk more than five minutes at a time or eat solid food without crying. Even though she'd do absolutely anything to keep him with her, it wasn't fair to ask him to stay and she knew it.

A tear rolled down her cheek, which quickly turned to many, many more. No matter how hard she tried, she could not keep herself from crying. She held his hands and pressed her forehead softly against his. She fought the lump in her throat and the sobs escaping her lips. She didn't want him to think he had to stay for her, not when his body clearly couldn't take much more.

"Tanner, You...you can let go now if...if you want to. It's okay. I promise you it's...it's going to be okay, baby. Don't stay just because of me."

His tiny hands reached up and wiped the mascara-blackened tears from her cheeks and pressed the innocent kiss of a child against her lips.

"Mama, I know it'll be okay. Okay?"

She quickly nodded her head, fighting back tears once again. She couldn't speak, her throat was constricted too tightly and nothing remotely understandable would come out.

"I want to be a big boy, Mama. You said I would be a big boy and could get a turtle when I turned six," he gave a bigger smile than before, one that truly lit up his hazel eyes. "I really, really want that turtle, Mama."

She couldn't help but smile when she saw his eyes light up. It felt good to know that he was staying for himself and not for the fact he was scared for her. She briefly thought about taking him to get a turtle right at that very moment, but she didn't want to take away the joy that being a 'big boy' would bring. She could only hope that he made it five and a half more months.

"I know you do, baby. Let's take you home."

**llll**

It was Tanner's birthday. Not that he would know it, he'd been asleep for the past six days straight. Maura leaned over from the recliner—that doubled as her bed these days—and grabbed one of his hands.

She laid her head down against his arm and prayed to every divine being she could remember. It didn't matter that she had never believed in them, she just wanted to make sure she had truly tried every single thing she possibly could. After she had ran out of every thing she could possibly pray to, she just lay against his arm and muttered "I love you so much, Tanner. So much," until her throat was raw from sobbing and strained whispers.

She quickly looked up as she felt his fingers move underneath her own hand. He was looking at her with a strength and determination she hadn't seen in a long time.

"It's my birthday, isn't it, Mama?"

She didn't even hesitate to question how he knew it was his birthday since he'd been asleep for so long—maybe her prayers really had been heard. She pulled him into a hug, feeling his heartbeat flutter against her own.

"Yes, it's your birthday," she pulled back and gave him a smile just as big as his. If he had been any stronger, he may have started bouncing up and down on his bed. But he wasn't, so instead he just wound his fingers together anxiously.

"So... Does that mean I get a turtle?"

Maura couldn't help the laugh that escaped her lips. He may be dying, but his never-ending excitement was not.

"Actually, you get something better," she said as she pulled him close to her.

His hands tangled in the hair around her neck as she carried him to the living room and sat down in front of a cage on the floor. He climbed over to where he could peek inside. Slowly, he opened the door and turned around with wide eyes.

"Mama, that's the biggest turtle I have ever seen!" He turned around just in time to see its head poke out and slowly crawl onto the hardwood floor.

"Actually, it's an African spurred tortoise," she said as she watched her son reach out and run his fingers across the shell. She had really tried to find a turtle, but the pet shop didn't have any mature enough to sell. The owner finally broke down and sold her his own pet tortoise so her son wouldn't be disappointed on what very well could be his last birthday. By the amazement written all over his small face, he was far from disappointed.

"What would you like to name him?"

He turned back around and climbed in her lap.

"I think I want to wait until tonight to name him, if that's okay?"

She smiled and pressed a kiss to his forehead, "Of course that's okay."

After a failed attempt of making a cake—where more icing ended up on their faces than on it—Tanner was ready to go to sleep. He looked up at Maura from his perch on the counter and she could see the pain in his eyes.

"Can I sleep in bed with you tonight, Mama?"

She had been sleeping in a recliner by his bed for months now, too afraid that she might roll over on him and he'd be too weak to wake her up. But it was her son's birthday today. If he wanted to sleep in bed with her, how could she say no?

She picked him up and carried him into her seldom used bedroom after putting the unnamed tortoise back in its cage. After changing them both into pajamas, she climbed under the covers and pulled Tanner close. She ran her hand down his back, silently naming each vertebra she touched. His breath started to even out against her neck and she said a silent thanks to those gods she didn't believe in less than five hours ago. She was about to drift off when Tanner's voice pulled her awake.

"I know what I want to name him, Mama."

She pulled back just far enough to where she could make out his face in the dim room. "And what would that be?"

His fingers started playing with the ends of her hair, as if he knew she'd need comfort.

"Tanner Bass Isles."

Momentarily, she was confused but then let out a breath of a laugh. "But that's your name. Wouldn't it be confusing to have two of you walking around the house?"

His voice barely a whisper, fighting against a sob caught in his throat, "No, Mama. This way you'll still have a Tanner Bass Isles when I'm not here anymore."

It took only a moment before the words finally sank in. She pulled him as tight as she dared against her chest, the sounds of her whispered, "Oh, baby," mingling with her son's, "I love you, Mama."

After a while the whispers and cries stopped, as both drifted off to sleep. Less than four hours later, Maura awoke at 1:07 am, and her son did not.

**llllll**

After the funeral where mainly families of Tanner's friends attended, Maura drove back to a home that was no longer filled with her son's laughter. She slid down against the closed door and cried until her chest was sore and she was completely out of tears.

Grabbing only a few pictures, Tanner's favorite stuffed bear, and Tanner's tortoise, she left the house and didn't look back.

...

She leaned back against the nearest table and looked over at Jane with an expression that she hoped gave away none of her hidden pain.

"I felt as though moving here would be beneficial."

Jane, not knowing the real reason why, only smiled a smile that showed her deep-set dimples and laughed. "Yes, I guess change can be good sometimes."

But, only Maura knew the extent of how bad change could really be.

**A/N: Please don't kill me. I didn't even make it through writing that without crying. Should this stand alone as a one-shot or be continued? Do let me know! Good and bad. xx**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Not mine**

**A/N: Why in the world did I do this? I'm just a jumbled mess of tears right now. I just can't even believe I brought this upon myself, but I'm glad you all decided you wanted more of it! Thank you so, so much for all the reviews. They really swayed me on continuing this. Please leave more reviews! They really brighten my day!**

**Oh, and I wrote the first chapter of this in memory of my cousin, Connor, who passed from cancer on the morning after his 10****th**** birthday. The world just isn't the same without him. **

**xxxxxxxx**

Jane scurried down the steps to the morgue. She didn't know why she felt the need to tell Maura she was going on vacation—it was only her second day as medical examiner, after all. She entered the little office off the side of the morgue and saw Maura sitting at the desk—once again in heels and a dress. Apparently, she hadn't just dressed up for the first day. Jane smiled as she realized how different they really were and how she still felt an invisible pull towards her.

She lightly tapped on the office door and Maura looked up, startled. Her face quickly relaxed into a smile, albeit it was her usual slightly despondent one. It was so hard for her to pretend to be happy when it felt like her heart had died along with her son. Although illogical, she couldn't help but feel as though it really had.

"Oh, Jane, come in. I didn't notice you standing there."

Jane fidgeted with her hands as she walked in. Suddenly nervous, her eyes landed anywhere but the Doctor's face.

"I, uh," she reached up and rubbed the back of her neck with one of her hands, "I just wanted to let you know I was going on vacation tomorrow and wouldn't be back for a few days."

If Maura thought Jane's rambling was unusual, she didn't show it. "Oh, that sounds wonderful. Where are you going?"

Jane took Maura's eye movements to a chair as an invitation to sit down, so she made her way over and sat down across from her. She let out a deep breath, willing the nervousness from her body. _No reason to be nervous. She's just smart. And pretty. And oh God, she's biting her lip. What I wouldn't do—no focus, Rizzoli. Focus._ "I'm going to the beach. A family thing, ya know?"

Maura cocked her head to the side, "The beach?"

Jane took Maura's look for confusion, although it was far from it. She let out a chuckle and waved one hand in the air, "Yeah, you know…water, sand, sun, yada yada. You've never been?"

**lllllllll**

They were down at the water's edge looking for seashells during one of their few free moments in Mexico where Tanner was being treated at an alternative medicine hospital. He was holding her hand and digging around in the water around their ankles, furiously. He refused to leave until he found a seashell worth taking.

She reached around and pushed his hat further up on his head so he could see better. He was in a t-shirt and long swim trunks—protecting his delicate skin from the sun and curious eyes of onlookers. The last thing she needed was for the police to be called about the numerous bruises covering his body—another reminder of the cancer that was slowly eating away at him. He was getting even weaker, she could tell by the slowness of his gait. She fought the watering of her eyes as he finally jumped up, free arm out stretched in the air.

"Look, Mama! I found one!"

He handed it over to her and she turned it around in her hands. It was white and perfectly intact with sharp spikes adorning the length of it. They were lucky he hadn't found it by stepping on it. If he had started bleeding it would have been hard to stop. She mentally chided herself. _That's not something a five year old really needs to be concerned with. _Instead, she looked back down at him and smiled at his excited face.

"It's perfect, Tanner. Just like you wanted."

She gave it back to him and he turned it around in his hands as they trudged back up on shore.

"What kind is it?"

She paused, mentally going through the names she had learned so she would be prepared for when he would inevitably ask this. A name finally came to her as they sat down close enough to the water that it barely lapped up on their feet. "It's called a Cabrit's Murex."

One of his hands idly played with her fingers as the other traced the spikes of the shell. After touching each and every one of them, he looked up at her. "Can we bury it?"

Confused, she scrunched up her face and tilted her head. "Bury it? I thought you wanted to find a perfect one to take back with us."

He leaned his head over on her shoulder, exhaustion clearly beginning to set in. "No, I want to bury it. So if you ever come back, you can find it and think of me."

She didn't have the heart to tell him she'd never come back if he wasn't with her. That she couldn't bear seeing the hotel they'd spent so many months at, the water they had walked through together, the sand they had built castles in if he wasn't there by her side.

So instead, she just reached down and began to dig a hole with her hands, holding back her tears as his small hands joined her.

**lllllllll**

Maura looked back over at Jane. "Oh, yes. I've been to the beach in Mexico many times."

Finally getting more comfortable with herself in the Maura's presence, she leaned back in the chair and smiled, in awe. "Mexico, huh? That must've been great."

**llllllll**

Maura awoke to Tanner shaking violently beside her. His face was contorted in pain as tears ran down his cheeks and his hands grabbed at his stomach.

"It hurts. It hurts so bad. Make it better, Mama. Please…make it better," he forced out through clenched teeth.

She didn't know what to do; there _was _nothing she could do. The doctors had warned of side effects of the new alternative medication, but hadn't expected the ones that were described quite as badly as this.

"It will be okay, baby. It'll be okay. I'm here. I'm here."

She pulled him close, repeating her mantra and crying with him until his pleas and shaking finally stopped and he fell asleep against her chest.

**lllllllll**

The smile on Maura's lips would be described more as melancholy than amused. "It was…quite the experience."

Noticing Maura's unease about the subject, Jane finally stood to leave. She opened her mouth to say goodbye, but that wasn't even close to what came out.

"I was wondering if, maybe…you'd like to go out sometime when I got back?"

Maura cocked her head and looked up at Jane with regret in her eyes. "Jane, I—"

"Yeah, you're right. Too soon. Uhm…Have a good day," she said as she shook her head and walked out the door.

Maura leaned over her desk and propped her head on her hands, letting silent tears roll down her face. She had lost her heart, and no one would ever be able to bring it back.

**A/N: Oh Lord, was that bad? I hope not. I've never had a child, so I can only imagine the pain brought about by losing one. I hope I've gotten close, though. Please review so I can stop crying now. K, thanks. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Not mine. **

**A/N: Thank you so much for your feedback! I'm going to try and keep this as realistic as possible—unlike Hope's completely random confession to Maura in the last episode. So it might be slow going, but it'll be worth it in the end. Promise!**

**xxxxxx**

Jane was walking into the department for the first time since her vacation as she noticed Maura sit down alone at the café. Jane might've gotten turned down, but it didn't mean she couldn't at least keep trying. She walked up to the empty seat at Maura's table and pointed at it.

"This seat taken?"

Maura looked up, surprised to see Jane again after she had semi-rejected her offer a few days prior. Seeing the hesitation, Jane smiled and threw her hand up in mock defense.

"Don't worry, I'm here as a friend."

Maura offered a tentative smile. "Please, be my guest," she said, hoping Jane would offer her an escape from reliving the memories constantly running through her mind.

Jane pulled out the chair and sat, admiring Maura's face. She was beautiful, but something wasn't quite right. Jane could sense the grief that flashed behind the façade of a smile. She didn't know why, but she hoped to get close enough to her to find out some day.

Before she could say anything, a waiter came up to take their order.

"I'll just take a plain coffee," she flashed Maura a smile, "Can't be late to work on my first day back."

Maura politely smiled back, although she knew it probably wasn't fooling anyone, much less a detective. The waiter finally turned to her and asked what she'd like.

"A glass of water and two eggs please," she said, while handing the menu back to the man.

"How would you like them?"

**llllllll**

She looked back from the stove to her three year old son that had just walked into the kitchen. His hair was a mess and his pajamas were slightly crooked. She smiled as he sleepily rubbed his eyes.

"Good morning, baby. Do you want me to fix you some eggs?"

He tilted his head and narrowed his eyes. "Are they real eggs or chicken-butt eggs?"

She tried and failed to not look confused and take him seriously. "Chicken-butt eggs? Tanner, I don't know where you heard that, but there is no such brand."

He put his tiny hands on his hips and pouted. "Yes there is, Mama. Mr. Johns brings them by every Friday."

She couldn't help but laugh at that. Mr. Johns was their neighbor who brought by eggs from his chicken coop every week. Apparently, he had tried to explain where they had come from and Tanner's three year old mind only picked out the things remotely interesting.

She grabbed the carton and held it out to him. "Well, these are real eggs. Would you like me to make you some?"

He looked down and poked at his stomach before looking back up with a huge smile on his face. "My tummy says yes," he said with a giggle.

Gone were the days of being literal; having a child had certainly changed that. So she reached down and poked her own stomach as she said, "Okay, good. My tummy says yes, too."

He ran over and latched his arms around her thigh—which was as high as high as they could reach.

"Scrambled with cheese, like always, Mama."

She reached down and ruffled his honey blonde hair that stuck out in every direction from sleep. "Like always."

**lllllll**

"Scrambled with cheese, please," she said as she handed the menu to him.

There was a slightly awkward beat as he walked off and Jane tried to find the right words to say, but Maura beat her to it.

"Jane, about the other day…It's just much too soon since," she looked away from Jane's face briefly before looking back, "since I've moved here. I'm still trying to settle in."

A smile tugged at Jane's lips as she realized not all hope was lost. She reached over and patted the top of Maura's hand. "No worries, I get it. I'd still like to be your friend until you feel settled, if that's okay? You look like you could use one."

Maura didn't know whether to feel happy or not. How could she feel happy about making a friend when Tanner no longer had the option of being happy ever again? How could she possibly feel happy when there wasn't an ounce of happiness left in her? But she knew if she didn't say yes, Jane would keep trying. Having her as a friend would definitely be easier to handle than trying to distance herself from everyone in the long run. Not many people had every truly wanted to be her friend before, either, not even after their children had become friends with her son.

Maura nodded her head and smiled. "That sounds lovely, Jane."

Jane scooted her chair back as she was handed her coffee. "Alright, then," she said with a smile that showed her dimples, "We were wondering if you'd like to join us at the Robber tonight for drinks?"

**llllllllll**

She felt the burn of the alcohol as she finished off the bottle. She drank to forget, but she never could. She heard the bottle smash against the bare wall of her new home in Boston as she slid down against the front of the island in the kitchen.

She'd been lonely her whole life until Tanner, but she'd never felt an emptiness such as this. She knew what it felt like to be fulfilled, to be needed. But now she was utterly and completely alone. She didn't know if she could handle it.

Her cries echoed throughout the empty house as she clutched her hand over her chest. People had talked about heartache and her literal mind had never understood it. Until now, that is. Her fingers clawed at her chest, as if trying to get inside and dull the pain. She cried until she heaved and her fingernails had drawn blood.

She stood up and clumsily made her way to bed with tears still fresh on her face. She never forgot. She never could.

**llllllllll**

Maura gave a sincere smile. She wished she could go, but she was nowhere near capable of holding herself together around a group of strangers. Maybe someday, but not today.

"Perhaps another day?"

Jane nodded and smiled, glad she hadn't been downright rejected and happy Maura wanted to at least be her friend. "Of course. Just let me know if you need anything, alright?"

But what Maura needed was something that could never be returned. Perhaps the ache would dull one day, but it wouldn't today. And most definitely not with the help of a near stranger.

….

**Yeah, yeah…see what I did there? Maybe Jane won't be a stranger much longer and will help Maura out! Maybe. Please review! It's hard writing and thinking about this sadness and your reviews brighten my day! Thanks bunches xx**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Not mine. **

**A/N: Thank you so much for your reviews! I'm scared Maura may be a little OOC in this chapter, but no one really knows how she'd react in this situation so hopefully it's okay. Let me know? Thanks!**

**xxxxxxxxx**

Jane was down in Maura's office waiting on toxicology results when they got the call that one of their own had lost a child to a long battle of chronic kidney disease. Maura pretended to be reading the results to distract herself as Jane slipped her phone back in its holder.

"That's a shame, ya know. I was really pulling for them," she said as she shook her head.

"Yes. It is definitely unfortunate," Maura said, her voice distant as if she replied automatically without really thinking about it.

Trying to bring a little light to a horrible situation, Jane said the first thing that came to mind. "At least they knew it was coming and they had time to say goodbye, I guess."

Maura's head snapped up quickly, unprecedented rage coursing through her.

"Don't say that," she whispered icily. Her breathing quickened, knowing she should stop and calm down but not being able to. "Don't you dare say that. It doesn't matter if you have days, weeks, or months. No time is ever enough to say goodbye to your child," she said, her voice getting louder the longer she spoke.

Jane was frozen to her seat with wide eyes, not knowing what to say.

Maura knew she should stop, but she couldn't no matter how hard she tried. "You're down on your knees, begging a God you don't even believe in for five more minutes, for five more seconds, and he's laughing in your face saying you've already had enough time," she whispered, her voice beginning to waver. She looked away from Jane and down to her desk.

"But no time is ever enough. So don't say time makes it better, because it doesn't. A parent is never ready to let go."

She abruptly stood and walked out to the bathroom down the hall, willing the tears not to fall just yet.

Jane sat glued to her seat, trying to understand what just happened. She hadn't known Maura long, but she hadn't pegged her for one to have random outbursts. Everyone had their moments, especially with a job like this. But this was different. She had struck a nerve and didn't know why. She got up and walked to the door, looking to the left and then the right as she debated on whether to let Maura be or go after her.

In the end, her soft side that she desperately tried to hide won out. She walked over to the bathroom and knocked on the thick wooden door. It wasn't a single person restroom, but she wanted to give Maura a heads up before barging in.

Not hearing any sign that she should go away, she slowly opened the door and went in. Maura was leaning against the counter, crying none too quietly.

Jane was horrible at comforting people in these situations, so she did the only thing she knew how. She pulled Maura to her chest and slowly guided them to the floor as she felt Maura's legs start to give.

Maura knew she should feel embarrassed, that she should get up and apologize for acting rash, but she couldn't force herself to stop crying and move. She hadn't held or been held by anyone in six years besides Tanner and it just felt so utterly _good_.

Jane reached up and pulled Maura closer, rubbing circles on her back. She didn't know if Maura hated touchiness or not, but there were no complaints so she kept going.

"Just let it out, I've got you. I've got you," she whispered as Maura reached up and grabbed fistfuls of Jane's shirt. She didn't care about the wrinkles, she just cared about making sure Maura was okay.

Her sobs started to quiet down as he pressed her ear to Jane's chest and listened to the steady beat of her heart.

**lllllllllll**

She was sitting at a park bench reading a medical journal about new stitching techniques when she looked up to see Tanner running towards her. The wind was blowing his blonde hair back and she sadly realized it would start to fall out soon. She didn't know how he would handle something that would clearly make him look so different at such a young age.

"Mama! Mama," he yelled as he ran, causing her to put the book completely down.

It wasn't until he was almost on her that she saw his red eyes and tears rolling down his cheeks. She pulled him up on her lap as soon as he got close enough, hoping he wasn't hurt.

"What's wrong, Tanner? Are you okay?"

His cries got louder as he wrapped his arms tighter around her. "They wouldn't... let me play with them...because...because I have cancer."

Anger and sadness coursed through her as his words sank in. She had experienced the cruelty of children firsthand and had never wanted that for her son. He deserved so much more than to be ostracized for something so clearly out of his control. She pulled him closer to her chest and ran a hand through the back his hair. "Did they say why that meant you couldn't play with them?"

She felt him nod against her and waited for his body to stop shaking so he could speak.

"They said I was gross," he whispered without pulling away from her and starting to cry again.

Her eyes started to water as she realized the words of others were another thing she wasn't able to protect him from.

"Tanner, having cancer does not make you gross," she whispered, her voice starting to break, "I promise you, it does not make you gross. I promise."

She slowly started to rock him against her as a tear rolled down her face, letting the beating of her heart lull him to sleep.

llllllllllllllll

Once she could cry no more, she pulled away from Jane, suddenly embarrassed.

"I'm sorry, Jane. I usually don't let my emotions get the best of me in the company of others," she whispered as she wiped her eyes and started to stand up.

Jane stood and gave a comforting smile. "Don't apologize. This is what friends are for," she said as she fixed an unruly strand of Maura's hair.

Maura let out a sad laugh as she said, "I don't know much about the rules of friendship, but I think crying on a bathroom floor in someone's lap doesn't fall within the parameters."

Jane felt a pang in her heart as she realized Maura was being dead serious about not knowing much about friendship. She didn't care how many times Maura tried to push her away, she was going to make sure she was always there for her.

She reached out and gave Maura's shoulder a squeeze. "Well it is, alright? And if you ever feel like doing it again, I'll be here. Okay?"

Maura scrutinized Jane's face for any sign of mockery, but found none. She smiled a real smile that lit up her eyes. Maybe she really could let Jane in and would no longer have to go through this completely alone. "Thank you, Jane."

Jane wrapped her arm around Maura's waist as she led them out of the restroom.

"Like I said, anytime. I've got your back."

She meant it. She was going to try and pull Maura from whatever darkness that shrouded her by doing whatever it would take, no matter what.

…

**A/N: Too OOC? Sorry for my grammatical errors, I typed this on my phone. Please review and let me know if I made a horrible mess of this chapter. Thanks!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Not mine**

**A/N: I hope I'm doing this right! I know I'm much better at writing in first person, but I don't think this would've worked out very well like that. Thank you so much for your reviews so far. Just stick with me through the really mucky parts and things will get a little better soon! And I won't go into much detail about the cases because I'm so bad at writing crime that you'll want to poke out your eyes. **

**I couldn't get this chapter to work out how I saw it in my head, so I hope it's okay and not as bad as I always believe my stuff is. Hope I didn't disappoint! Let me know, please? Thank you!**

**xxxxxxx**

Jane and Frost stood over the body of a man in an alley behind a clothing store waiting on Maura to show up. Frost made sure to spend most of the time _not _looking at the body since it still made him a little more than queasy. After at least fifteen more minutes, an old woman came up and started to examine the body. Frost and Jane looked at each other, confusion written all over their faces.

"Uhm, can you tell me where Dr. Isles is," Jane asked, hoping she didn't come off sounding callous.

The woman looked up and squinted her eyes behind her glasses. "No one could get in touch with Dr. Isles. You'd think the chief medical examiner would care a little more about her job," she snapped before turning back to the body.

Jane looked at Frost, making sure to turn their backs to the woman. "Don't you think it's a little weird that she didn't answer when she's basically been living in her office for the past two weeks?"

"Sounds pretty weird to me," he said with a nod.

Maura got to work well before the janitorial staff had even made rounds and left much later than everyone else in the building. It was definitely uncharacteristic of her to just ignore calls from work. Jane couldn't shake the nagging feeling in her stomach. It may just be her gut instinct from being a detective for so many years, but something wasn't right. She could feel it.

She pointed back at Frost as she started to walk away. "I'm gonna go see what's up. You got this?"

He looked back at the body briefly before looking back at Jane. "Yeah, I got it," he said with a nod to reassure himself more than Jane.

…..

After getting Korsak to look up Maura's address, she sped over to her apartment. She noticed Maura's car parked in the street, which made Jane feel even more worried. _If she was okay and at home, she should've answered one of their calls_.

She got out and made her way to the door, gun drawn. It was unlocked so she pushed it open without even bothering to knock. It wasn't the most polite thing to do to someone she'd just met a couple of weeks ago, but it didn't matter if it meant she made sure Maura was okay.

She slowly walked down the hall and into the living room. The first thing she saw was Maura lying on the couch with a half empty bottle of whisky on the table beside her. Jane put up her gun and walked over, noting Maura's pulse and shallow breathing. Blackened tears had left trails down her cheeks and she hadn't bothered to change from her work clothes. Maura was almost always calm and collected at work; this was definitely out of the ordinary. Jane desperately wanted to get to the bottom of all this.

She crouched down and hesitantly reached her hand out and shook Maura's shoulder.

"Maura, wake up."

Nothing. She shook her shoulder a little harder. "It's time to wake up, Maura."

Finally, she stirred and pushed her face farther down into the cushions. "Get my son," she mumbled against a pillow.

Jane froze. She couldn't be sure if it was drunken rambling or if Maura really had a son she hadn't told her about. It would certainly explain the sudden outburst a few days prior. "Well, uhm…do you want me to go get him from a babysitter or something? It's pretty late…." She trailed off as she realized Maura was already asleep again.

She stood up and looked around. The house was decorated tastefully, but with the absolute bare minimum. There were no pictures, nothing to make it more personal. Surely if there was a little boy living here there would be toys or pictures or something. It had to just be the alcohol talking. Jane looked back down at Maura and shook her head. She couldn't just leave her lying face down on a couch, it _couldn't_ be comfortable.

"Here, come on," she said as she wrapped her arms under Maura's shoulders and knees.

Maura was by no means a heavy person, but Jane struggled to carry her when she felt like dead weight in her arms. She staggered as she walked them both into the lone bedroom in the apartment. The bed was unmade, so she gently dropped Maura onto the bed and pulled up the blanket. As she turned to leave, Maura's eyes opened the slightest bit and she flimsily latched onto her arm.

"No, stay," she slurred before closing her eyes once again.

Jane nervously scratched her head. She could either stay and try to explain her way out of it if Maura didn't remember in the morning or leave and feel like a horrible friend if Maura did remember asking her to say. _Shit._

_What the hell, that's what friends are for. Right? _

She took off her shoes and climbed into the bed as far away from Maura as she possibly could. Just because she was going to be friendly and stay did _not _mean she had to cuddle. Even if something was clearly going on with Maura that she needed to find out so she could potentially help her.

After a few minutes of laying flat on her back and staring at the ceiling, she felt Maura's arm snake its way across her stomach and her head pull in close to Jane's side. She instantly tensed up as she felt Maura try to nuzzle in even closer. _This is going to be really fucking awkward to explain in the morning. _She didn't know what to do with her arms, so she put them behind her head and resigned herself to the fact that she wouldn't be getting much sleep that night.

….

Maura felt arms and warmth surrounding her, pulling her close, before she even had the chance to open her eyes. She pulled in closer, trying to get the comfort she so desperately needed.

**llllllllllll**

Maura sat straight up in bed as a flash of lightning and the sound of thunder filled her room. She hated storms with a passion since the time she wrecked her brand new Lexus by hydroplaning when she was younger. She was about to get up and go to Tanner's room when the door burst open and he came running in with a Captain America shield in his hand.

"Mama, I'll protect us," he whispered as he jumped onto the bed and crawled up beside her.

She couldn't help but smile at the fearlessness her four year old had already begun to show. "Yes, I'm sure you will."

He pulled her to where they were both laying down and the thin shield was resting on top of the sheet across their waists. "This will keep us safe, Mama. I promise. Don't worry."

She pulled him in to her chest as close as she could as another bolt of lightning flashed through the sky. She breathed in the scent of his shampoo as he clutched at her shirt when the thunder started again. "I won't. I know you'll protect us."

She felt his head nod against her. "Always," he whispered through a yawn before falling asleep against her.

**lllllllllll**

Her eyes instantly shot open and she recoiled to the other side of the bed. The person in her bed definitely wasn't Tanner and she had no idea how she got there. Jane slowly opened her eyes as she no longer felt Maura at her side. Maura was looking at her with a mixture of confusion, anger, and shock.

"Uhm—"

"Jane, what are you doing here?"

…**..**

**I'm sorry this wasn't that great. Really ): I just couldn't get it to come out right and I've been staring at it for like two days and it just wasn't getting any better. So I posted it and crossed my fingers that it wasn't as bad as I imagined. **


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Sorry for the long wait! It's hard for me to write about something so sad, but I'm going to finish this story, no worries. I hope this is okay! If not, feel free to let me know. I love hearing from you guys!**

******Also: There has been a quote used in here from the book/movie P.S. I Love You (I read it online so I don't know if it's the book or movie) that I forgot to mention before. Thank you to the anon who caught that. I always try to make it known when I use one. **

**xxxxxx**

Jane slowly sat up on Maura's bed and nervously ran her fingers through her hair. _I knew this would be awkward. Shit._

"Um…well, you didn't answer your calls for work last night and we were worried so I came over here to check on you and you looked uncomfortable so I brought you in here and you asked me to stay so," she rambled out in one long breath as she tended to do whenever she was nervous, "I obviously did."

Maura tilted her head and furrowed her brow. "I wasn't on call last night, Jane. Why would I be contacted for work?"

Jane knew she had to tread carefully and not put Maura on the defensive by being accusatory. Especially if she wanted Maura to soberly open up to her. "Uh," she nervously scratched at her nose, "You actually were on call last night, Maura. But, it's okay if you forgot. It happens to the best of us," she said hesitantly.

Maura shook her head and looked down at her hands. She knew she had looked at her schedule at the beginning of the week and had last night off. But perhaps she was wrong. She could barely tell the difference between dreams and reality anymore. "Oh."

"Yeah," Jane said as she reached over to squeeze her hand.

Maura jumped at the contact and instantly stood up beside the bed and wiped at the black smudges underneath her eyes.

"Would you like to stay for coffee?" She hadn't had anyone around in the mornings when she awoke for what seemed like forever. She knew she shouldn't be happy given the circumstances, but it felt good to not be alone. She was loathe to give up Jane's company so quickly.

Jane needed to get to the station to work but couldn't bring herself to say no to the hopeful look on Maura's face if she had tried. "Yeah, coffee sounds great."

…..

Jane sat at the small counter in the kitchen as Maura was making the coffee. She had changed relatively quickly, but still looked as impeccable. Jane looked down at her own wrinkled suit from the night before and shook her head. _Totally out of my league. _

Maura poured the coffee and opened the freezer without thinking. It wasn't until her hand was hovering over the bottle of alcohol that she realized what she had done. She quickly jerked her hand back, shut the door, and took Jane's mug over to her.

Jane tentatively took a sip of the hot liquid and looked up at Maura. "This is good. Thanks."

Maura rubbed her neck and looked anywhere but Jane's eyes. "You're welcome."

Jane reached across the island and tilted Maura's face up to look at her. "Maura, you don't have to be embarrassed. We all have our ways of coping with things."

Maura's face blushed a deep shade of red. She had wanted a fresh start—a new beginning—where no one knew what happened except for her. That was blown to hell the moment Jane walked in her life. She let out a humorless laugh and nodded her head. "Yes, mine just happens to not be a very healthy way of coping."

Jane reached over and laced her fingers with Maura's hand and gave a gentle squeeze. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," she said as she shook her head. "It's something I'd rather not delve into right now, if that's okay?"

Jane gave a tentative grin. "Of course, that's…."

She trailed off as she finally spotted it on the side of the refrigerator. It was a picture of Maura. Correction—a picture of Maura and a little boy. She walked over and slid it out from under the magnets holding it on the fridge. There was no denying he was related to Maura despite his young age. The honey blonde hair, the hazel eyes, the dimples when he smiled. He was obviously very important to Maura, too. They were pulled in close, cheek to cheek. Her eyes and smile were more vibrant than they had been the entire time Jane had known her. Sure, Maura had laughed and smiled at her jokes every now and then. But even in her laughter there was something missing. She never seemed to be truly happy; she just seemed to be passing time till she waited for something else. Maybe he was the something else.

_Get my son._

It hit Jane like a ton of bricks. The outburst in the morgue bathroom, the drinking, the detached demeanor Maura tended to hide behind to protect herself. She turned back to Maura, who was staring right at her—trying hard to calm her breathing and keep the tears from falling. Jane knew the answer already, but still had to ask.

"He's your son, isn't he?"

**llllllllllll**

"Mama, can we see the water chickens?"

It was all she could do not to laugh. Her three year old was incredibly smart, his imagination just tended to get the best of him sometimes. "The water chickens?"

"Mmmhmm," he nodded his head and pointed to the zoo enclosure across from them, "the water chickens."

Her eyes followed his chubby little finger to see that he was pointing towards the penguins. She did laugh at that. "Oh. The water chickens. Who told you about those?"

She set him down and he pressed his face against the glass, trying to get a better look at the zookeeper feeding them fish from a bucket. "Lindy did."

She internally sighed. She was going to have to tell their teenage babysitter to stop teaching him things incorrectly just to be funny. Granted, it _was _funny most of the time. But some of the things she said had stuck with him no matter how hard Maura tried to convince him otherwise. Like the time Lindy told him sour patch kids jumped out of his bellybutton in his sleep. No amount of explaining would ever make her son stop believing that. "Of course she did."

After a few more minutes of hearing him call them 'water chickens' and hearing the accompanying giggles of everyone that walked up, she decided she should probably correct him. He really was a smart boy, after all, and she didn't want people to think otherwise. "Actually, Tanner, these are called _Pygoscelis_ penguins. They are found mostly in the higher latitudes of the sub-Antarctic and…"

She trailed off as she noticed his bottom lip start to quiver. "You mean…these aren't water chickens, Mama?"

There was no way she was going to break his heart. He was only three years old and if he wanted to believe they weren't penguins, who was she to stop him? She couldn't lie and tell him what he wanted to hear, but she had gained quite the experience of dodging the truth. "Just forget I said anything, okay? We'll take a picture of them."

He nodded his head and the corners of his lips turned up in a smile. "Can we take a picture with them?"

"Hmm...let's see," she said as they turned to where the penguins were behind them.

He pressed his cheek as hard as he could against hers and smiled. "Say cheese, Mama."

"Cheese," she said as she smiled. At that moment, she realized that she would go through it all again just to see her son smiling and laughing over fictitious animal names. As long as it meant they would be together, she'd go through it all over again.

**llllllll**

Her lip started to tremble and she looked down at her hands in her lap. She was incapable of lying and there was no way to dodge the truth with such a direct question. She looked back up at Jane as a single tear rolled down her cheek.

"Was. He was my son."

…..

…..

**Okay, how bad was that? Ugh. So sorry. If anyone would like to be my sounding board (probably not beta) for ideas, please message me! This fic would be so much easier if I had someone to listen to all my crazy ideas. Thank you for reading and please review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Sorry for the wait! I'm having wisdom tooth issues and it's sucking away all of my creative juices. I know I didn't use anyone for help this chapter, but I probably will need to for the next. Thank you so much for offering and leaving such great reviews! **

**xxxxxxxx**

"_Was. He was my son."_

Maura bit her bottom lip, trying to hold back the sobs that would inevitably follow her admission. It didn't work though; she sat on her chair and dropped her head into her hands. Her body shook from the effort of trying to keep her cries silent.

Jane looked at her, mouth agape. There were so many things running through her mind to say; to ask. But she did neither. She decided to just walk over and pull Maura's head against her stomach and rub circles across her back. She had never been in a situation such as this and she only hoped that this helped.

Slowly, she wrapped her hands around Jane's waist, clutching tightly to the back of her shirt as a thousand memories flooded her mind. It wasn't until she finally felt the heat of Jane's stomach through the thin shirt against her cheek that she slowly began to calm herself down.

Jane pushed her gently back by the shoulders once her sobs stopped completely. She looked at Maura with eyes brimming with tears and a face full of compassion. "Let's get you to the couch, okay? This can't be very comfortable."

Maura nodded and let Jane lead her to the couch by the hand. Jane pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and laid it across them as they settled in, side by side. Maura's hands started to play with the edge of the blanket as her eyes started watering again. She had only bought it because it was Tanner's favorite color, after all.

Jane put her arm around her shoulder and pulled her close as she noticed Maura fighting back tears again. "Do, uh…do you want to talk about it?"

She shook her head against Jane's shoulder. "No."

"Oh, okay. That's fine," Jane said as she absentmindedly started tracing the veins in Maura's arm with her free hand.

Maura let out a shaky breath. "Sometimes, I don't like the memories because then the tears inevitably come, no matter how hard I try to stop them. It's a constant battle, Jane," she stopped Jane's hand by lacing their fingers together, "A war between remembering and forgetting."

Jane leaned down and rested her cheek on top of Maura's head. "Well…I promise to be here when you want to remember and when you want to try and forget. Okay?"

The corners of Maura's lips turned up, ever so slightly. "Okay, that's—"

She was cut off by Jane jumping up and perching on the back of the couch. "Maura, what the hell is that," she exclaimed as she pointed to a moving brown lump on the floor.

Maura looked over and saw Bass trying to get around the coffee table. She climbed off the couch and squatted on the floor to rub his shell. "Shh, you'll scare him."

Jane's eyebrows almost receded in her hairline. "You mean it's _alive_?"

"He's an African spurred tortoise, of course he's alive," she stated, almost annoyed at Jane's overreaction.

"Oh," she said as she climbed off the couch and crouched beside Maura. "I hate to break it to you, but a turtle is a really weird pet. Why do you have it?"

**llllllll**

Constance jumped at the scratching noise against the small kitchen floor. "Maura, darling, why must you insist on keeping that thing? It's certainly not the most ideal house pet."

It was all Maura could do not to roll her eyes. She had only moved in yesterday, she knew she shouldn't have invited her mother inside. It had been nearly seven years, after all. "It was Tanner's; therefore, it's part of my family and belongs here with me."

Constance waved her hand in the air, as if to ward off such a silly reason. "Darling, I really don't understand why you keep reminders of your illegitimate child aro—"

"No, don't you dare," Maura all but shouted as she stood up and walked to where she was mere inches from her mother's face. "You do not get to talk about him. If you couldn't talk about him while he was alive, you certainly cannot talk about him now. Am I clear?"

Her eyes were on fire, as if she was literally trying to burn a hole through her mother. Constance lifted her head to look down her nose, refusing to back down. "Well I would have to bring him up at all if he was never born, now would I?"

It was all she could do not to smack her mother right then and there. No one—absolutely no one—would ever be allowed to talk about the best thing that ever happened to her like that. "You should leave," she sneered out as she turned around and put the strawberries in Bass' bowl. Her parent's had absolutely no part in her life from the time they found out she was pregnant, why should they try to worm in their way now?

She slowly placed Bass' food in the bowl as she waited for her mother's retreat, but it never came. She finally stood up, wiped her hands on a towel, and walked to the front door. "I meant what I said, Constance. Leave and do _not_ come back."

Constance let out a huff and grabbed her purse before walking over to Maura. She lifted Maura's face with her fingers, causing them to look eye to eye. "I know you don't understand the things we've done, darling, but it's been for you. It's _always_ been for you. We just wanted you to be happy."

Maura clenched her jaw and narrowed her eyes. There was no way she was going to be the guilty party in this. "I was happy, Constance. Did you ever stop to consider that," she asked as she scanned her mother's face for any sign of remorse. She found none. She opened the door and moved to the side. "I meant what I said. Don't come back."

Constance smirked and lifted her eyebrow. "Of course, darling. If that's what you want, that's what you'll get. You've always been quite the selfish one," she said as she walked out to the car.

Maura slammed the door and leaned against it, shaking with adrenaline, fear, and everything in between. Not once since she found out she was having a child had she been selfish. Absolutely everything she had done was for her son. Now that he was gone, she was lost.

She sank down the door to where she was sitting on the floor. She tilted her head up to a Heaven she logically knew was improbable. "I miss you so much, Tanner. Every single day," she whispered as she took a deep breath. She was alone as a child, and now completely alone as an adult. What a vicious cycle it was.

lllllllll

Maura shot Jane an annoyed look. "He's not weird. I have him because he was Tanner's."

"Oh," she said as her face softened. "Oh, I see." _Way to go, Rizzoli. Foot in Mouth. _She tentatively reached her hand out to him. "Is he going to bite me?"

Maura smiled, happy with Jane's sudden interest and happy to share some of her knowledge about him. "It's very improbable. Go on," she gently grabbed Jane's hand and placed it on his shell, "You can touch him."

Jane smiled as she ran her hand across the cool, smooth surface. "Wow," she mouthed with an amazed smile as she looked over to Maura, "it feels just like wood or something."

Maura's smile finally reached her eyes as she saw the awe on Jane's face. It reminded her so much of Tanner's reaction when he first saw him. "Yes it does, doesn't it?"

"Why does it—oh shit!" Jane instantly jerked her hand back as Bass quickly pulled his head back in his shell. Her eyes got wide and she looked over at Maura. "Did I hurt him?"

Maura laughed at the fact Jane was seriously concerned over hurting him by petting his shell. "No, you didn't. He must've gotten startled, that's all."

"Good," she said as she looked over at Maura. Their gazes held a just a little too long and Jane nervously wiped her hands and stood up.

"Well," she looked down at her growling stomach, "I'm going to stop down at Luigi's on the corner before work for a bite to eat…if you want to come with me?"

She saw the hesitation in Maura's eyes and quickly thought of something that might sway her. After all that she had learned this morning, there was no way she was just going to leave Maura like this. She didn't want to push her into doing things she didn't want to do, but she did want to help Maura as best as she could. "They have great slushies," she said as she wiggled her eyebrows.

llllllllll

She heard Tanner's footsteps rush down the stairs and stop in front of her. She looked up from her book and smiled at him. He put his hands on his hips as he struggled to calm his breathing. "Mama," he panted out, "did you forget to flush?"

Her eyes got wide as she set her book down. "What? No, of course I didn't forget."

He narrowed his eyes and tilted his head, tiny hands still on his hips. "Are you sure? There's blue stuff in the potty."

"Tanner," she scoffed as she tried to keep the amusement out of her voice, "Why would you think my urine is blue?"

He climbed onto her lap and pressed his hands against her cheeks. She knew the look on his face all too well. It looked just like hers when she was trying to work through something complicated. There was no denying he was just like her. "Well, that one time after I had too many grape slushies and used the potty, it was green."

She laughed and rubbed her nose against his before pulling back. "Well, that's because the coloring of the…" She trailed off as she realized her explanation would be too in depth for almost four year old. "I promise I flushed. The blue stuff is just toilet cleaner, okay?"

"Oh, okay," he said as he clambered off her lap. He turned to go back to the restroom before spinning back around to face her with a sheepish grin on his face. "If I'm a good boy can I get a slushy later?"

The amount of sugar in those things was atrocious for him, but she just couldn't deny him when he had his hands clasped right below his chin with his bottom lip rolled out. "Yes, Tanner. You can have a slushy later if you're a good boy."

He quickly ran over and plants a kiss on her lips. "Thank you, Mama. I love you."

She smiled and watched him start to walk up the stairs. "I love you, too."

**llllllll**

Maura nods and lifts herself from the floor with a small smile. "That sounds wonderful, Jane."

Jane can't help the amount of happiness coursing through her. It won't be quick and it definitely won't be easy, but she's going to try and help Maura as much as she can.

….

….

**Yay for chapter seven. Yay. I used a quote in here that I found online but I can't remember where it's from. I won't claim it as my own so don't accuse me of stealing, yo. **


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Sorry it's been a while. I don't do well with third person narrative, like I said. Here it is though, even though it sucks. Feel free to tell me anything you'd like to see happen. It really helps when I get particularly stuck (:**

…**..**

Before Jane, pain was what held her up, kept her going. It helped her make it through the day. It crept underneath her skin, became a second skeleton. It was her closest friend. But then, she moved to Boston and met Jane. Jane, the detective that hid behind her tough as nails façade. Jane, who held Maura when she needed to be held and pushed when she needed to be pushed. Jane, the only person that had _ever_ truly cared about Maura besides Tanner.

And Maura was scared. She was scared to get a taste of the happiness that Jane had brought into her life just to have everything ripped away from her again. She was scared to be happy because being happy might mean forgetting. She never wanted to forget the life she had her son, even if it meant she had to endure the most painful memories every single day because that meant she also got a glimpse of the good ones. She could _never_ want to forget the good ones.

So when Jane offered to bring lunch down to the morgue for the 12th day in a row, Maura rejected for the first time. She told Jane she had other things to do. And she did. She had to carefully reconstruct the walls Jane had slowly started to tear down. She had to remember what it was like to be alone, because she had resolved herself to never letting anyone in for fear of losing them. She had to remember her life wasn't idle chat and joking around. Her life was loneliness and loss and no one could ever possibly change that—not even Jane. The one person she felt safe with. The one person she was scared to death of.

So when Jane barged in at half past two while Maura was wiping her eyes from the tears that had been freely falling all day, Maura almost asked her to leave. _Almost. _That is, until she saw the red stain slowly growing on the sleeve of Jane's shirt.

Maura gasped and quickly walked to where Jane was sitting and started unbuttoning the top. She pulled it off Jane's shoulders to reveal a three inch gash across Jane's bicep. Her fingers gently rubbed the underside of Jane's arm and her eyes traveled up from the wound to meet Jane's face.

Jane did a sideways grin and shrugged her shoulders. "Think you can fix me up?"

….

She could've sworn she saw it happen in slow motion. Tanner had been climbing around on the play set in the back yard before tumbling sideways off the slide and landing in the woodchips below. She was already up and jogging towards him before he had the chance to try and stand.

She gently picked her four year old son up and carried him inside. He hadn't cried, he hadn't whimpered. Honestly, it would've been odd if he had—Tanner was not a crier. His lip never even trembled when he had fallen off his bike and gotten a bruise that covered his entire ribcage a few weeks before. He was brave. Resilient. Tough. And for the next few months he would need to be.

Carefully, she placed him on the vanity by the sink and started lifting his shirt and pant legs to check over him. He was perfectly okay minus the ever-present bruises and the scratches that now marred his forearm. He slowly ran his finger over them—gaging the damage—before looking back up at her.

"Can you fix it, Mama?"

She smiled and ran her hand through his sandy blonde hair. "I certainly can, baby."

She reached down into one of the drawers and pulled out some peroxide, Neosporin, and a bandage. In awe, he watched as the peroxide hit his skin and instantly bubbled up. He smiled again and looked at her. "That looks funny."

Grinning, she pats his arm dry and starts to apply the Neosporin. "Is it?"

He fervently nods. "Yeah. My arm was blowing bubbles!"

She can't even help but laugh as she places the bandage down on the cuts. She gives it an extra pat and then kisses the top of the gauze. "All better?"

He pulls on her blouse until she comes closer and his arms instantly wrap around her, his head burrowing against her stomach. "Yep," he gives an exaggerated nod, "You always make me better."

Her breath catches in her throat as it feels like her heart skips a beat. She puts her arms around him, pulling him tighter against her. How will she be able to explain that there's something she _can't_ fix? How can she explain to her child that there's already something invading his body, doing irreparable damage, and there's not a damn thing she can do to fix it?

She feels her throat tighten and fights the tears as she sets him back down on the ground. There's no way she's going to let him see her cry when he doesn't even cry himself. She harshly swallows and puts on a fake smile that most likely doesn't fool him. "I'm going to take a shower, okay?" He nods his head and she playfully pokes at his belly. "You can go play in your room. I'll leave the door open in case you need me."

"Okay," he says, as he gives her thigh a hug and runs off down the hall to his room. Only then does she give in to her emotions. She grips at the edge of the vanity so tightly her knuckles turn white. She slowly looks up in the mirror to see her eyes watery and a single tear finally slip out and roll down her face. She closes her eyes, praying to a god she doesn't believe in for a miracle that most likely won't come.

Hastily, she undresses and throws her clothes in the hamper before turning on the shower and stepping inside. She knows the water won't completely muffle the sound of her sobs, but she lets them out anyway—echoing against the tile— as her forehead leans against the wall and the water runs down her back.

Her body shakes with the force of her cries and she smacks her hand against the wall. She's been alone—_always _been alone. And now that she's not…now that she actually has someone to love and loves her in return, she's terrified. She could lose it all in an instant, a second. She can't fathom her life without him. He completes her. From the moment he was born he began smoothing her rough edges. He taught her to love, to be compassionate, to not always hide behind the facts. He was her lifeline in a world she was struggling just to survive. He was her saving grace. But despite the infinite list of medicinal facts swirling around in her head, she might not even be able to be his.

…

She nods her head and goes to her desk to get her emergency suture kit before sitting on the edge of the table in front of Jane. She pulls on gloves and intently focuses on the wound as she rubs away the excess blood with an alcohol pad—effectively not noticing the chill bumps forming up Jane's arm and across her chest.

She pokes as the cut and Jane winces. "Are you sure you wouldn't rather go to the hospital?"

Jane gives another lopsided grin. "No. I'm fine with you doing it, especially since we missed our lunch date."

Maura's eyes widen and then she immediately starts fumbling around in the kit, trying to distract herself. Surely Jane didn't mean it the way Maura was interpreting it. Jane watches as the faint blush creeps up Maura's cheeks and her hands drop the stitching needle more than once. She gently places her hand on Maura's arm to get her to calm down. "If you keep acting like that, maybe I _should _go to the hospital. I don't want an ugly scar just because you can't hold still."

Seeing Maura's slight glare and lack of laughter, Jane pulls her hand back. "Maura, I didn't mean it like that, okay? We're friends. I get it. I just meant we've had lunch together for a while now…what else am I supposed to call it?"

Maura finally gets prepared and pinches the wound together. "This will probably hurt."

Jane exhales a heavy, defeated breath and nods. "I know. Not the first time I've had stitches."

Not looking up from pushing the needle in and out of Jane's skin, Maura says, "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, Jane. It's not that I would mind dating you, I'm just not there yet. I'm not sure if I'll ever be." She licks across her lip as she tries to tie off the end of a stitch. "But I am _very _grateful that you're always here for me, Jane. Even when I try to push you away, I am still grateful," she slowly starts pulling off her gloves. "You deserve someone much better than me, Jane. I'm broken. There's nothing that I could possibly give you," her voice finally starts to crack, "You deserve_ so_ much more."

Jane reaches out and pulls Maura's hands into her own, hoping Maura will finally look her in the eyes. After a beat, she finally does and Jane's heart nearly breaks at the pain that's so clearly written across her face. She wants nothing more than to pull Maura into a hug, protect her from all the heartache she's been through. But instead, she runs her thumbs across Maura's knuckles and takes a steadying breath.

"Maura, you are not broken, okay? You're smart and oddly funny and compassionate about everything you do," she takes one hand and wipes the tears from Maura's face. "Don't ever think you're broken and don't ever think I hang around you just because I want to date you. I'm here for you because I want to be, in any capacity that you'll let me."

Maura bites down on her lip to suppress a sob, but it's too much and she leans forward to where she's resting on Jane's shoulder. It feels so…right. But so completely wrong at the same time. How can she want to let Jane in, but also build up walls to keep her out? How can she adore all the things Jane has and stands for, while hating her for those very same reasons? Not even her complex mind can figure it out. Perhaps it will one day. Perhaps it never will.

…..

…

**The end. **

**Bahah wait no, that'd be mean. I'm sorry this wasn't good. **

**There were some altered quotes in here that I have no idea where they came from, so don't like sue me or something. **

**But, anyway. What do you wanna see next?**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Thanks for your reviews! Some even inspired this chapter, so yay! I hope you like this one as well. And sorry if the POV flips and flops, it just happens sometimes. This one didn't turn out remotely close to the way I wanted it to, but ya know. That's life. **

…

Jane carefully makes her way up the ice covered path to the apartment complex. It was already late November and the snow had fallen ankle deep during the night. She trudged up the few stairs and rang the bell, praying to God someone was actually there.

She waits a few minutes before ringing it again. This time she hears the tale tell shuffling of footsteps and the door quickly being unlocked. Her breath caught as the door opened to show Maura, wearing only a robe with a bottle of wine clutched tightly in her hand. Her eyes are red rimmed and slightly puffy and her hair is precariously thrown into a ponytail with a few wisps flying freely around her face.

"Hello, Jane," she says with a weak smile, her words coming out with a tipsy lilt.

Jane narrows her eyes and walks through the door before shutting it behind her. It's only eight in the morning, Maura must've started drinking as soon as the sun had come up. She reaches down and tries to pry the bottle from Maura's fingers. "C'mon, Maur. Let me have it."

Maura frowns and finally relinquishes the bottle from her grasp. Jane shakes her head and holds it up between them. "You have any other plans today?"

Regretfully, she shakes her head and then follows Jane into the kitchen to watch her pour it out in the sink. It was her last bottle of cheap Pinot. She'd have to go buy more later. She leans back against the counter and Jane turns to face her and raises her eyebrows. "So…you were just going to sit at home and get drunk? On Thanksgiving?"

Maura quickly looks down to the floor, letting her embarrassment and shame fill in the gap between them and hang heavily down around their shoulders. It's minutes later that she finally looks up, tears already brimming in her eyes. "Thanksgiving was Tanner's favorite holiday," she says voice barely a whisper.

Jane takes a deep breath, fighting the pang in her chest. She knew it was the right decision to come over this morning. She turns and starts going through the cabinets. "Do you have any coffee? We're going somewhere and it'd be best if you were sober."

"Coffee actually further dehydrates the body, making it more difficult to become sober and…" she clears her throat, cheeks flushing in embarrassment as Jane looks at her incredulously. "Water. I just need to drink water."

Jane exaggeratedly nods her head a fills a glass before handing it over to her. She drinks it all as Jane keeps a watchful eye on her. She sets down the cup and looks back at Jane. "Where are we going?"

She finally gives Maura a full-dimpled grin and starts to drag her back to the bedroom. "You'll see."

…..

After 30 minutes of trying to pick out what to wear—both of the dresses looked identical to Jane, most likely because she was too focused on Maura flitting around the room in nothing but her bra and underwear—they finally step out of the bedroom and start walking towards the door to leave.

Right before Jane can unlock it, the clock strikes nine and Maura quickly grabs her arm to stop her. "Jane…do you think we can stay here for a little while longer?"

They didn't _really _have tobe anywhere until twelve, so Jane couldn't possibly say no when Maura's bottom lip rolls out ever so slightly. She grins and leans back against the door. "If you insist."

Maura smiles the smile Jane anxiously waits to get a glimpse of every day, and then makes her way over to the couch and sits before turning on the television. She turns to the right station and grins over at Jane who just sat down beside her.

She sees what's on and fights a grin before looking at Maura. "The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade?"

Maura nods. "Yes, I've watched it every year for," her grin slightly falters, "six years now."

Jane wraps her arm around Maura's shoulders and pulls her into her side. Jane knows Maura doesn't open up much about her past and she'll take anything she can if it lets her get a peek into Maura's life. "Really?"

Maura leans further into Jane and gives a small smile even though Jane can't see it. "Every year since Tanner was born. I never experienced family traditions and I wanted Tanner to be able to have them." She reaches down and laces her fingers with Jane's hand. "I know it seems silly, but…he really enjoyed watching it and I enjoyed watching him. The way his eyes lit up and he asked about the logistics behind each float, the way he laughed every time his favorite characters came on screen…"

She sniffs and tightens her grip on Jane's hand. "I was going to take him to watch it one year. I just never got the chance." She makes sure to leave out the part where she couldn't afford it because of the medical bills and the way her parents depleted her trust fund as soon as they found out she was pregnant. She doesn't dare burden Jane with any more than she already has. She's honestly surprised Jane has stuck around this long. No one else has ever come close.

She hears Jane take a deep breath as she moves down to lie in Jane's lap. Jane gently starts running her fingers through Maura's hair, realizing this isn't strictly platonic behavior. But, she doesn't care. For Maura, she'd do anything even if it blurs the lines just because she knows Maura needs her. Jane looks down and sees the smile on Maura's face as a marching band makes its way across the screen. "Well, maybe you can still go one day, y'know? I'll take you." She quickly wipes a tear off Maura's cheek. "You can tell me the scientific logarithm whatever and I can tell you which show everything is from," she lightly chuckles, "especially since we both know how bad you are at 'pop culture' references."

Maura squeezes Jane's knee and looks up at her face, tentatively. "Really? You'd do that?"

Jane takes a deep breath and fights the urge to just wrap Maura up and take her some place to protect her from all the pain she lives with every day. It's clear that Maura has never had anyone to lean on, to care for her. And Jane has already decided she'll be there till the end, no matter what—her own way of trying to protect Maura from her grief. She swallows thickly, forcing down the lump in her throat. "Yeah, Maur. Of course I will."

Maura quickly rolls back to face the screen, giving Jane the privacy to process her own emotions. She lets out a light laugh as she sees the next float that's now making its way on the screen. She knows it's impossible, but all she can do is think of it as a sign.

Jane listens to Maura's laugh and smiles, effectively holding back any tears. "Clifford. You heard of him?"

Maura nods her head against Jane's lap. "Logically, there's no possible way for a dog to grow that large—or have red pigmentation, for that matter—but it was still Tanner's favorite float in the whole parade. We would sit through the entire thing just to get a glimpse of it."

Jane squeezes Maura's arm. "I think maybe Tanner is telling us he likes our plan."

"Illogical as it is…that's exactly what I was thinking."

…

Maura nervously clings to Jane's arm, taking a deep breath as Jane knocks on the door. She's nervous…terrified even. She's never done well around people—always the one to miss jokes and take things so literally it dips into awkward territory. Now, she knows it must be worse since she can only hide behind facts and figures to protect herself.

Jane gives her a nervous grin as they hear shuffling behind the door right before it swings open. Angela puts her hand on her hip and scowls at Jane. "You're late!"

Jane rolls her eyes and Maura tries to smooth things over. "It's really my fau—"

"—Sorry, Ma. I got preoccupied," Jane says as she winks at Maura. No sense in making her feel uncomfortable in the first five seconds.

Angela frowns at Jane once more before wrapping her arms around Maura's shoulders and pulling her into a hug. "It's so good to finally meet you, dear. Jane talks about you all the time!"

Maura can see the pink blush creep up Jane's face as she rolls her eyes and starts to push them all inside. "Would ya let us in, Ma? In case you didn't notice, it's freezing out here."

Angela nods and steps back, throwing apologizes over her shoulder as she leads them to the dining room. The table is covered with more food than even Maura had seen during her parents' catered holiday dinners. Turkey, stuffing, lasagna, and more fill every single free spot. Maura's breath hitches as she imagines Tanner running around the chairs singing his favorite Thanksgiving song she had taught him when he was two. She never was a good singer, but Tanner's tone had a childlike sweetness and was perfectly pitched. She'd often just teach him songs just to hear his voice.

Jane notices her zone out and slightly squeezes her hand as she pulls out a chair for you. "I know it looks kinda overwhelming, but Ma might take it easy on ya since it's your first time," Jane whispers in her ear with a teasing grin before sitting down herself. Angela goes to pour them some wine, but Jane shakes her head. There's no way she's going to let Maura keep going down the path she's on. Angela goes to ask why, but bites her lip and gets them water after she sees the begging plea in Jane's eyes. She'll have to ask about all of that later.

"So Maura," Angela says as plate after plate gets passed around the table, "What do you usually do on Thanksgiving? I was surprised when Janie said you weren't doing anything this year."

She sharply inhales and almost loses her grip on the cranberry sauce as it gets handed to her. She can't possibly lie, but telling them the truth would dredge up a conversation that would likely cause heavy hearts around the table. She certainly didn't want to ruin the one thing she had ever been invited to. She takes a shaky breath and looks back up at Angela. "Usually…I cook and," she could feel herself start to hyperventilate. "Sometimes…I—"

"—Ma," Jane pipes up after sensing Maura's uneasiness, "Isn't it time to pray or something?"

Maura gratefully smiles at her friend as everyone joins hands and Angela says the blessing. Maura is loath to release Jane's hand at the end, so she doesn't. Jane smiles and goes to say something but gets cut off by Frankie. "Alright, you know the rules. One thing you're thankful for before we get to eat," he picks up his fork, hoping everyone says something quick and to the point. The food is calling his name, after all. "I'm thankful for family and, uh…this food. Definitely the food."

Angela rolls her eyes and nudges him in the ribs. "Really, Frankie? That's all you're thankful for?"

Frankie does a sideways smirk and pokes Tommy with his fork. "What about you little bro? I'm hungry so hurry up."

Tommy puts on his most innocent face and looks at Angela. "I'm glad Ma still has her hands so she can still cook for us."

Jane tries to cover up a laugh behind her hand and Angela scowls. There's no way she is responsible for raising such hooligans. She shakes her head and then looks to Maura with a smile. "What about you, Maura?"

Maura can feel the heat rise to her face from being put on the spot. There are so many things that she isn't thankful for, and yet there are so many things she is. Her son, her apartment, her job…_Jane_.

Jane. The woman who's helping her cope, pulling her out of the muddy water she had started to drown in. The woman who has saved her in more ways than even she knows about. The woman who accepts her for her faults, her demons, and expects absolutely nothing in return. The one person who has stood by her side no matter how many times she's pushed and shoved and tried to hide away from her. There are so many things she can say, but decides on the least complicated thing of all. The rest can be told to Jane later since even Maura knows that privacy would be futile when it comes to admitting things of that depth. She turns and looks at Jane, her lips curving up in the tiniest of smiles.

"I'm thankful to have Jane. She's…she's my first real friend and I'd rather not have to imagine my life without her in it."

She feels everyone grow solemn and she fears she's pushed too far, made things awkward just like she always does. But it's the reassuring squeeze on her hand that extinguishes her doubts. Jane smiles back at her, forgetting anyone else is still at the table. "I'm thankful to have you in my life, too, Maur. You're great and smart and funny and, uhm…you're my best friend."

Maura fights the tightness of her throat as she looks in to Jane's eyes. She's never had anyone say anything remotely close to that about her before. She's elated and terrified at the same time. She never wants these feelings to leave her. She feels her hand grow sweaty in Jane's grip, but doesn't dare let go.

….

After idle chat about work and Maura gracefully skirting around sensitive subjects while eating, they finish and Jane all but pulls Maura out the door to watch the football game at her apartment together. They climb into the car and Maura looks at Jane from the passenger seat. "Thank you for doing this for me, Jane."

Jane cranks the car before looking back over to her with a grin. "Who says I did it for you?"

Maura frowns. "Oh. I'm sorry. I often misund—"

"—Maur," Jane brings her hand up to Maura's cheek and starts rubbing with her thumb, "Relax. I was kidding."

Maura tentatively grins, relishing the feel of Jane's hand against her face. Even she, as socially awkward as she tends to be, can tell this isn't something only friends do. She supposes she should be scared, she should pull back from the blurry line they're treading on, but for once in her life she doesn't. It's been such a very, very long time since she's been in a position such as this. She wants it. She wants to remember what it's like even though it might screw everything up.

She tries to hold back, she really does. But the desire to feel a pair of lips against hers—Jane's lips—is overwhelming. The air grows thick, hanging heavily down around them with tension that she swears she can feel hugging her skin as she leans those last few inches towards Jane. She hovers so close that their breath is mingling and she feels the damp, warm air from Jane's mouth flit across her skin.

Jane doesn't dare move closer; she knows when to push and now definitely isn't the time. This is all up to Maura now. It's up to her to decide the pace and decide how far she's ready to go.

Maura senses Jane's apprehension, but instead of pulling back she moves in the rest of the way. As soon as their lips barely graze against each other, she feels an electric pulse travel through her and extend out over her entire being. She's never felt this way with anyone before. Ever.

It terrifies her.

She quickly pulls back, eyes wide and fingers ghosting across her lips. "Oh, Jane…I'm sorry, I don't…"

Jane's hand travels down from her face to her hand and gently squeezes. "It's okay," she shrugs, "It happens," she says with a grin as she tries to quail the tingling traveling through her own body.

Maura looks back at her, skeptically. She's never had a real friend, but she's pretty sure they don't do _that. _"It does?"

Not wanting to make things more confusing for her, Jane just smiles. She knows when to push, but now isn't the time. Maura will decide when she's ready and Jane can tell it isn't now. She shrugs, trying to brush it off so Maura doesn't feel like she has overstepped and messed anything up between them. "It just did, didn't it?"

Maura doesn't like that answer, but she has no other friendships to compare this to. If Jane says it's okay, then all she can do is believe that everything is okay. When she tightens her grip on Jane's hand as they slowly make their way through snowy streets and Jane squeezes back, she smiles and runs her fingers across her lips once more.

She missed Tanner, she always would.

But she was tired of just existing; she wants to live.

….

….

**Okay, there's a quote or two in there I didn't come up with. **

**I hope this was okay. I'm moving tomorrow so I know it kinda fizzled out towards the end. I'm sorry ):**

**Review if you'd like and mention any scenarios you'd like to see!**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Sorry for the wait, I just moved back to school. Also, the weather here is much different than up North so I'm sorry if any of the weather stuff is out of whack. **

…

"Do you think he'll choose to pass it to the tight rear?"

Jane's eyebrows shoot up and she looks over to Maura sitting next to her on the couch. "The tight _rear? _Really?"

Completely serious, Maura only blinks. Jane smiles and shakes her head. "It's the tight _end_, Maur." She pinches the bridge of her nose, trying not to laugh. Leave it to Maura to even make football sound sexual.

Maura shrugs and looks back at the tv. "Those words are generally synonymous." She watches as the quarterback passes the ball and the tight end barely catches it before getting tackled. She excitedly claps and smiles. "I knew it! It was the best option in order to receive a first down."

Jane smiles in awe. It's the first football game Maura has ever watched and yet she's already managed to learn the ins and outs. Well, besides some of the more trivial names of the positions. As long as Maura doesn't call Tom Brady the Nickleback, she isn't too worried about it.

Up by three touchdowns and nine minutes left, Maura tries to cover up a yawn with her hand. Jane watches her blink heavily before turning off the tv and patting Maura's knee. "C'mon, let's go to bed."

Maura looks from the black screen to Jane. "It's not over yet. Don't you want to see who wins?"

Jane stands and smiles as she extends her arm down to Maura. "I'm not too worried about it. I'm pretty sure we've got it in the bag. Besides, you're sleepy. It's been a long day. Not many people could put up with my family for that long and still be alive."

It_ had_ been quite a long day for her. It was the first Thanksgiving Maura had ever been to where she was made to eat until she was nearly sick—thanks to Angela's insistence. Waking up early, the food, the game…Maura was exhausted. She just didn't want to be the reason Jane couldn't finish watching the last few minutes of a game she'd waited all day to see.

"You really shouldn't guess the outcome, Jane. We can finish it, I don't mind," she says through a yawn.

Jane laughs and grabs her hands to pull her up. "I'd rather not have to lug you to bed because you couldn't stay awake," she pauses and looks at Maura. "I mean, I'm not saying you're fat or anything. It'd just be easier for me if you…I'm really not making this any better, am I?"

Maura smiles and squeezes her arm. "I understand what you mean."

It's only then that she remembers Jane only has one bed. It's not like they hadn't shared one before—granted, she was quite inebriated—but this was different.

Different because she had kissed Jane only hours before.

Kissed her and _liked _it.

Now she wasn't so sure sharing a bed would be such a good idea. She pauses in the doorway of the bedroom as Jane starts pulling clothes out of the dresser. "I really don't have to stay, Jane. It won't take that long for me to get home…" Jane raises an eyebrow. "I just don't want to make you uncomfortable since you're used to sleeping alone."

Jane tries her best to look offended. "What makes you think I always sleep alone? And who said I was going to sleep in here_ with_ you?"

Maura can feel the blush creep up her face. This is why she never assumes anything…she's always wrong. She nervously spins the ring around her finger and looks to the floor. "I only thought…I don't…I'm sorry."

Jane's laugh fills the room and she looks up, relief instantly washing over her.

"Relax, Maura. I was just messing with you." She holds up a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt and walks over to the door. "Here. Go put these on so we can get in bed."

Maura playfully raises her eyebrow and Jane rolls her eyes. "You felt how hard my couch was! No way in hell I'm sleeping on that."

"Mhmm…"

Jane pushes her out of the doorway and down the hall. "Don't even start with me, Maur. I've been known to kick in my sleep…especially when there's a smartass in my bed."

Maura exaggeratedly tilts her head and squints. "So…you kick every time you're in bed?"

Shocked, Jane's mouth drops open.

Maura just called her a smartass.

Before she can come up with a remotely decent comeback, Maura is walking down the hall to the bathroom. Still shocked, Jane walks over and pulls back the comforter. She's never underestimating Maura again—she has more social understanding than she lets on to have.

Jane crawls in her side of the bed and waits until Maura returns and climbs in on the other side before turning off the lamp beside her. They lay in silence—at least two feet apart—staring up at the ceiling. Finally, Maura rolls to face Jane and slowly slides her hand over to rest on her arm.

"Jane, do you mind if," she takes a deep breath before releasing Jane's arm and rolling onto her back again. "I'm sorry, it was silly. Nevermind."

She had felt so much like part of Jane's family today—so much like part of Jane's life—that she wants it to last just a little bit longer. Just in case she does inevitable and scares Jane away. It never fails. It's what she always does.

She lays staring at the ceiling through the dark for only a few moments before Jane—seemingly reading her mind—scoots over and pulls them flush against each other. Their legs tangle, Jane's arm wraps around her waist, and she tucks her face into Jane's neck.

It's exactly what she wanted.

It's exactly how she imagined it would feel.

Actually, it feels even better.

She tries to scoot closer and clenches her fist around some of the shirt on Jane's back. She fights the tightness of her throat as she realizes how much she needs this, how no one has ever simply held her like this of their own accord.

Granted, she started to ask…but she didn't. This was solely because Jane decided she wanted to. She smiles to herself and takes a deep breath—inhaling the smell that's just so uniquely _Jane—_before she dares to whisper, "Thank you."

It's a thanks for being her friend, for helping slowly wade through the hardest part of her life. A thanks for being the only person that's ever stuck around simply because they wanted to and not due to any obligation.

A thanks for helping her how to remember what it's like to feel something other than pain and heartache.

A thanks for…loving her.

She internally berates herself. That's not what this is.

It c_an't _be.

It's…it's a friendship. Strictly platonic.

That's all there is.

Anything more is merely a delusion. A distraction she's made up to save her from the pain-filled hell she was living in.

That's all. It has to be all it is.

Jane, though, realizes just how much that 'thank you' means and pulls Maura tighter against her. She's not going to let her pull away—emotionally or physically—any time soon. For the first time in her life she truly wants to be with someone. Truly _needs _to be with someone.

And she's not going down without a fight.

Jane leans down and lightly kisses the top of her head as she gently runs her fingers across Maura's back. "Don't thank me. It's what I'm here for."

Here to love her. Support her. Hold her in the darkest hours of her life.

She's going to be there for it all, no matter how many times Maura tries to push her away.

…..

Jane walks up beside her and holds a warm Styrofoam cup out towards her. Tentatively, she takes it and sniffs at the dark amber liquid. Immediately, her eyes light up and she smiles. "I love apple cider. How did you know?"

Jane bashfully shrugs. "You just look like the type."

"There's a type?"

Jane laughs and shoves her hands in her pockets. "Yeah, the type that stares at every person that walks by them with some. Don't think I didn't notice how you were silently begging for it," she laughs and takes a sip from the cup. "I'm a detective for a reason, ya know."

Maura takes the cup and looks at the rim where Jane's lips had been only moments ago. "That's highly unsanitary," she says before she can even think about it.

Jane's eyebrows shoot up and she gasps. "Maura! If you're going to kiss me and share my bed, you're going to share that 9 dollar cup of apple cider the next day." She does one last indignant huff before crossing her arms. "And I'm not unsanitary, either. I'm _very _clean, just so you know. I haven't been sick in at least four years."

Maura looks down at the half empty cup and then back at Jane. "This was _nine_ dollars? You definitely overpaid, Jane."

"That's really the part you decide to dwell on? Really?"

Part of her wishes Maura would dwell on the kissing part. She wouldn't mind doing that again. Preferably sooner than later.

She briefly glances at Maura's lips before laughing and slipping her hand in one of Maura's as they start to walk towards the orchard. Maura's hand briefly goes stiff before lacing her fingers with Jane's. She can't help the smile that tugs at the corners of her mouth or the quickened pace of her heartbeat. It just feels so utterly good—so _right _to be doing this.

Did friends do this?

She doesn't know. She's never had any. She wants to speak up and ask what they are, what they're doing. She wants to ask if Jane is feeling even a little bit of what she's feeling.

But before she gets the chance, a group of children rush out of a church bus and start running through the straw laying on the ground. Their laughter rings out through the air as they climb on the hay bells in the kiddie maze, as they go down slides on burlap sacks.

She shivers as she watches them—not sure if it's from the late autumn breeze or the memories of her son playfully running and laughing and doing the exact same things these children are doing.

Jane notices and pulls her closer as they all but stop walking. They watch as little girl trips over her feet before laughing and shakily standing back up to join her brother.

She looks from the play area to Maura's face and her heart clenches.

She's only gotten to see Maura's fully-dimpled smile a couple of times, but she so desperately wishes she could do something to make her smile like that right now. Especially when she looks so…broken. Longing.

Empty.

It's heartbreaking.

Jane looks at her and nervously clears her throat. "Do you think you'll ever—"

"—I don't know," she pulls on Jane's hand until they're walking again. "It's not something I tend to think about. I just…I could never replace him. Tanner," she pauses to look up at the white clouds drifting through the sky, "Tanner taught me how to love. I always thought I'd be incapable of such an emotion, but from the very first time I held him... I finally knew what loving someone actually meant."

Jane waits as Maura leans into her as they walk down a small slope. There's more, she can tell.

Maura briefly pulls back to throw away the cup before pressing back against Jane. She takes a deep breath and her eyes flick up to Jane's face. "I feel like having another child would be doing them an injustice. Tanner taught me how to love, but he also taught me how much it hurts when it's gone. I don't think I could love another child as much simply because I'd be afraid of getting attached and losing them too. I don't think I could handle that again."

Jane only nods, not knowing what else to do.

What is there to say? She's never been a mother. She doesn't know the depth of that relationship, the pain of losing someone that close.

She could imagine losing Frankie or Tommy or her mother, but she knows it isn't the same. Hopefully it's a pain she'll never have to experience and understand.

She only wishes Maura didn't either.

She kisses Maura's temple before turning quickly so she doesn't see the shocked expression on her face. She walks ahead for a few seconds and grabs a basket off a stack by an apple tree before turning back around and smiling.

"Ten bucks says I'll pick more than you."

Maura walks to her and looks up at a tree. The few apples that remain are small and going soft.

And inconveniently for her, at the tops of the trees.

She laughs and pinches Jane's arm. "Only because you're 5.3 inches taller than me! That's really not a fair bet, Jane," she says, a smile still pulling at the edges of her lips.

Jane rubs her fingers across her chin as she pretends to contemplate. "I think it's a pretty fair bet." She drops the bucket and points up to a large, red apple hanging a few feet above her head. "Especially since you're going to get that one and all mine are going to look like shit."

Maura looks up at it and frowns. Even if she tried to jump—which she wouldn't—it'd still be a couple of feet out of reach. She looks back at Jane and shakes her head. "I can't. It's much too high—"

She laughingly shrieks as Jane grabs her around the thighs and lifts her up. She's too busy laughing to even attempt to reach for it.

Jane laughs and _accidently _puts her hand on Maura's ass and squeezes. "You actually have to try, Maura. It's not going to float down into your hand because it thinks you're a pretty princess or something."

"I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer," she says with a smile as she finally plucks it and Jane gently sets her back on the ground.

She looks at its shiny peel before tilting her head, grin still in place. "Was that really necessary?"

Jane chuckles and starts picking smaller ones from the branches Maura can't reach. "Actually, yes it was. Ma likes to bring us all out here the day after Thanksgiving to pick apples that no one else wanted," she swats at a gnat before continuing, "Whoever picks the best one gets the first apple pie she makes."

She looks at Maura and raises her eyebrows. "That's something you _do not _want to miss out on, trust me. The first one is always the best."

Maura sets in down in the basket before plucking off some smaller ones. "Does that rule apply if no one else is here?"

"Absolutely," she stands up as the apples threaten to spill off the top of the pile. "Ma said so herself. She'd rather be Black Friday shopping instead of fighting gnats, anyway. Tommy and Frankie are still holed up at home in a food coma, too. So the first one is all yours— fair and square, babe."

Jane's face instantly snaps up to meet Maura's widened eyes. "I didn't…oh, wow. That's not, uh…that's not what I meant to say."

Laughter finally bubbles out of Maura's lips as she watches Jane. A frazzled Jane Rizzoli is not something she can say she's ever seen before. Eventually, Jane gets over her shock and starts laughing with her.

"Let's just forget I ever said that, alright? I'd never hear the end of it," she says as she picks up the crate and they start walking back.

Maura smirks and glances at Jane out of the corner of her eye. "I'm not so sure I can forget about that…_babe,_" she says, just to get a rise out of her.

Jane's face instantly starts turning red again and she shakes her head. "I'm never going to live that down, am I?"

"Most likely not. But," she averts her eyes and looks down at the ground, "I can't say that I hated it."

Jane smirks and says nothing. She can't exactly say that she hated it how easily it rolled over her tongue, either. They walk until they're in front of a few wooden crates and Jane sets down the basket. She pulls Maura over to where they can look down at inside them.

Dark orange, green, and almost white pumpkins are the only things left. It doesn't matter though, Angela can make the best pumpkin bread out of any kind that get sets in front of her. Jane smiles and looks over at Maura.

"Which one?"

…

"Mama," Tanner says as his small hands grip the edges of the cardboard crate, "You need a white pumpkin."

The crisp autumn wind blows through his hair and she can tell it's already started to thin. She definitely should've made him wear a hat today. She raises her eyebrows and looks down at him with a smile. "I do?"

"Mhmm," he exaggeratedly nods, "Just like Cinderella."

Surprised that he actually remembered the movie—they had started watching it during one of his chemotherapy treatments—she crouches down eye level with him and gently pokes his stomach, causing him to giggle. "And why do you think I'm like Cinderella?"

Both of his hands tangle in the ends of her hair—his go-to source of comfort—and he tilts his head in a way that almost identically matches hers. "Well…you like shoes. Do you like glass shoes?"

She laughs and shakes her head. "No. I can't say that I do."

"Oh," his face slightly falls as he averts his eyes. Less than a second later, the smile is back on his face. "You're pretty like Cinderella!"

Her son is going to grow up to be such a charmer. She smiles and pats down some of his wayward hair. "Thank you. Anything else?"

His lips press together and he slightly frowns as he thinks. It's not long before he's smiling like the cat that ate the canary. This is going to be good, she can tell.

He shifts his weight from foot to foot and tries to look serious. "You've got a Prince Charming like Cinderella, too."

Her eyes get wide and she pretends to look around. "I do? Where?"

He laughs and bounces on the balls of his feet. "Me!" He throws his arms up in the air before falling against her and wrapping his arms around her neck.

She pulls him up on her hip as she stands back up. "Silly me. I should've known, shouldn't I?"

His face gets serious and he puts one hand on his hip. "Yes. It's quite offensive that you didn't know that, _Mother_."

Her eyes go wide as she stares at him in shock. Her face only relaxes as he bursts into a giggle fit and kisses her. "Sorry, Mama. Lindy told me you'd think it was funny."

Shocked into silence was more like it. She finally smiles as he presses his hands against her face and pushes her cheeks up and down as he speaks. "Mama, you need to get your pumpkin so we can carve it before it gets too late!" He pauses and leans into her face, conspiratorially. "Unless I get to stay up past my bedtime…"

She laughs and drops him back on the ground so he can pick one out. He ends up picking the biggest, whitest pumpkin he can find.

It was going to be fun trying to carry that back to the car.

…**.**

She smiles at Jane before looking down in the crate. There's one in the corner—white, large, and almost identical in shape to the one Tanner had picked out for her.

She points at it and grins as Jane playfully groans. "The biggest one, Maura? Really?"

She smiles and shrugs. "I do tend to prefer them to be large, yes."

Jane's mouth falls open and all she can do is stare. There is no way that just happened.

It only takes a few moments before Maura catches on and her face starts to blush. "Pumpkins. I prefer larger pumpkins..." She bites her lip and scrunches up her nose. "You're not going to let me live this down either, are you?"

Jane laughs and shakes her head. "Not a chance, _babe. _Not a chance."

….

….

**Good? Bad? Let me know what you think if you want to!**

**If not, just sit there and silently creep and wait for my updates. That's fine too!**

**And I just started another fic, go read it! Go read it right now. **

**Please. (:**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Yay for reviews. I'm glad you like where this is going. **

**And if you're Catholic, I'm sorry if I jacked some stuff up. Excuse my ignorance and go along with it. Okay? Good. **

…

Maura clutches tighter to Jane's hand as she gets pulled through the massive throng of people crowded down the sides of the street. Every so often, Jane looks over at her shoulder to make sure she's okay until they finally find an opening in the front to stand in. Almost as soon as they get in their spot, sirens blare from somewhere out of sight. Perplexed, Maura looks around trying to spot them.

Jane smiles as she watches. She didn't tell Maura where they were going and it's obvious that she didn't look it up—just like she had asked her not to. She squeezes Maura's hand and smiles as a police car slowly comes into view.

"I know it's not Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade or anything," she gives a bashful shrug, "but it's a start, right?"

It takes a few moments for Maura to piece everything together, but a full-dimpled smile emerges when she finally realizes what Jane brought her to. She leans into Jane and nods, grin still in place. "Yes. I'd say it's a start."

They watch as the police cars slowly move by and the fire engines toss out small chocolates to children holding bags to gather the candy from the floats. Maura laughs when Jane takes a step back as the clowns start to walk and ride by in tiny cars.

"I didn't know you were afraid of clowns," she says with a teasing grin.

Jane's eyebrow shoots up and she gasps. "I'm not _afraid_!"

A clown walks up and sticks his hand out towards her to shake, but her eyes widen and she steps closer to Maura until he walks away.

"You were saying?"

Jane pretends to glare. "I'm not afraid…I just have a very strong dislike." She holds her finger up at Maura's grin. "There's a difference!"

"Whatever you say, Jane," she says with amusement as she looks back to the street.

Massive Clydesdales stride by with tinsel braided through their manes and wreaths loosely hanging around their necks. One decides to relieve itself directly in front of them and Jane scrunches up her nose. "Mmm…I always wanted a horse."

Surprised, Maura looks at her. "You did?"

Jane puts on a serious face and nods. "Oh, yeah. I was going to name him Walter and let him live under my bed. Maybe even ride him to school if the weather was nice."

At the wag of Jane's eyebrows, Maura knows she just got played. She shakes her head and smiles before turning back to watch a child ride by on a pony. Blonde hair sticking out from his hat, small mitten-covered hands gripping the reins, grin plastered on his face…He looks just like Tanner.

She squeezes Jane's hand just a little tighter and wistfully smiles. "Tanner always wanted a horse. He said," she lightly laughs, "He said he wanted to grow up to be a cowboy so he could 'round up' the bad guys." Her laughing dies down and she turns to look at Jane, eyes no longer watering just from the cold air. "He would've liked you so much, Jane. You're…you're the epitome of who he wanted to become. Kind, smart, brave… heroic. He would've loved you."

Jane swallows thickly. She steps behind Maura, wrapping her arms around her waist and placing her chin on Maura's shoulder. "I'm sure I would've loved him, too."

Maura pulls Jane's arms tighter around her. "How do you know that? You never met him."

It's not accusatory, not harsh. Simply an inquiry. She genuinely wants to know how Jane could possibly be sure that she'd love someone she'd never spoken with. It seemed too much like a guess for her liking.

Jane ever so slowly starts swaying them side to side. "No, but he sounds a whole lot like you. That means I would've loved him, too."

Maura's breath hitches. Did Jane just imply that she _loved_ her?

No, surely not.

She most likely meant it in a strictly platonic way…if she even was implying it to begin with.

This is why Maura never guesses, never jumps to conclusions. Things are never just black and white when guesses are involved. There's always a gray area too.

And that just so happens to be where she gets stuck. It's much easier to only stick to the cold, hard facts.

So unless Jane actually says it—not implies—then Maura can dissect it, think about it until she completely understands. Until then, she'll pretend like Jane may or may not have offhandedly said she loved her.

_Loved _her.

She mentally chides herself. This is definitely not the time to get caught up in thinking about something that may not even be there.

She shivers—not sure if it's from the icy Boston air or her emotions—and Jane's arms instinctively wrap tighter around her.

Jane's warm breath as she laughs tickles her ear. "Look, that's where I went to church."

Maura watches as a float—covered in children dressed as angels—slowly moves by them. "Were you one?"

Jane laughs even harder. "An angel? No way. I…I was Joseph."

Maura glances at her from the corner of her eye. "Joseph?"

Jane rolls her eyes. "Frankie was sick, alright? Hey—don't laugh! I was a _very_ good Joseph."

Maura can't help but keep laughing as she imagines a tiny version of Jane with a beard attached to her face. What a sight that would've been.

The little angels throw out tiny candy canes and one lands at their feet. Jane bends down to pick it up before resuming her previous position. She holds it up in front of them and breaks it into the stick and the curve.

"Which one do you want?"

Maura slips the straight piece out of her fingers and starts to slightly unwrap it. Jane laughs and takes the hooked part. "You would take the easiest piece to eat, wouldn't you?"

Maura shrugs and pulls the piece from her mouth. "I didn't know you were into sucking things, Jane." She holds it over her shoulder to Jane. "Would you like to trade?"

Jane's mouth drops open and her eyebrows shoot up. There was _no _way that _wasn't_ on purpose. She pops the hooked piece between her teeth and Maura watches closely enough to see Jane's tongue toying with the inside of the hook. She pulls the whole thing in her mouth and smirks. "No, you're right. I like this part better."

Speechless, the only thing Maura can do is turn back around. Jane smirks and leans against Maura's back again—except this time she shoves her bare hands in Maura's coat pockets. It was cold—very cold compared to just a few days before—and she's surprised they'd even lasted this long.

She watches Maura twirl the candy cane around as her lip wraps around the end. It's far too arousing than something like that should be. She sighs and rests her chin back on Maura's shoulder. Their cheeks accidently brush and she feels how cold Maura's are.

They'd seen almost half of the parade by now and that was enough for her. Hands still in the coat pockets, she pulls Maura tighter against her. "You ready to go? I've got some coffee at home. Or hot chocolate. Whichever you prefer."

Maura's eyes flutter as Jane's damp, warm breath flits against her cheek. "Marshmallows?"

"Do the ones already in the packets count?"

Maura laughs and turns her face to Jane. "Yes, those count. I'm ready to go get some…if you are?"

Somehow, she even makes a conversation about hot chocolate sounds seductive. Jane pulls back as she feels a light pink blush creep up her cheeks. Thankfully, they're already red enough from the cold to hide it. She laces her free hand in Maura's and slowly leads them back to the car.

…

They finally pull up outside of Jane's apartment—only slightly warmer since the heat was hardly working—and Maura gets out of the car. Instead of making her way inside, she walks up to Jane and then stops to watch some teenagers across the street throwing snowballs.

Jane looks between Maura and the kids and then does a crooked grin. "Let me guess…you've never had a snowball fight before?"

By the time Tanner was actually old enough to enjoy the snow, he was much too sick to go outside in such extreme temperatures. There were so many things she wished he could've done, could've seen…and this was definitely one of them.

She shakes her head. "No."

Jane mischievously smiles. "It's not hard, you just have to…" She bends down to gather snow in her bare hands. "…pack it together like—oh, sssshit!"

She yells as snow comes into contact with her bare back, ice cold water slowly melting away and rolling down her skin.

Maura was definitely going to pay for that.

She stands up and tosses the snow in the vicinity of Maura's hair before running towards the side of the apartment where there was more than just a meager dusting of snow. She's almost to the corner of the complex when she stumbles on some ice and lurches forward. Right when she's about to regain balance, Maura's arms wrap around to catch her—effectively doing the opposite and knocking them both to the ground.

Maura quickly scrambles off Jane, allowing her to roll onto her back. As soon as she does, Maura's on top of her again—only, she's straddling her front this time.

Her gloved-fingers run across Jane's face as she searches for any scrapes. "Are you alright? You could potentially have a concussion if you hit at the right—"

"—Relax, I caught myself." She holds up her pink, frozen bare hands. "See?"

"I knew I should've brought an extra pair of gloves," she says matter-of-factly at the sight before pressing both of Jane's hands between her gloved ones.

She's so focused on trying to warm her hands, she doesn't notice Jane staring up at her—watching every tiny twitch of her eyebrow, every quirk of her lips.

She brings Jane's hands up to her mouth to blow hot air against them. As soon as the breath hits Jane's skin, she gasps and wretches her hands free. At Maura's confused look, Jane places her hands on her cheeks and pulls her down to where their faces are only inches apart. Maura licks her lips and Jane's gaze bores into hazel eyes. Never has she seen anything so beautiful or wanted anyone so badly.

Breathing each other's air, hot breath lapping against each other's faces…it's enough to effectively cause them to forget about the ice cold world around them.

Maura brings one hand up to touch Jane's on her cheek. "I'm certain friends don't do this." Her eyes scan Jane's face for a contradiction, but finds none. "We won't be able to pretend like it's nothing out of the ordinary this time."

"I know," Jane nods, voice breaking.

Maura swallows thickly. "Are you sure? Are you sure you want someone like _me_?"

"Yes." The answer is immediate. The pure honesty in Jane's eyes astounds her.

"I'm scared," she manages to whisper.

Jane brushes her thumbs across her cheeks. "Me too."

Maura glances to the side before looking back. "I've never had a friend before. And now that I do…I don't want to lose you."

Jane barely raises her eyebrows and shakes her head. "You won't."

"But," anguish clear in her voice, "how do you _know _that? How do you _know?_"

Jane's emotions force her to look away from hazel eyes. Should she say it or should she not?

She decides it's all or nothing now.

She looks back to Maura and briefly bites her lip. "Because, uh…I guess I kind of love you."

Maura inhales sharply. This was not an implication. "You…is this one of your jokes I don't understand?"

A surge of confidence runs through Jane as she sees Maura's lack of it. "No. I love you. I'm _in _love with you. And I want you to let me love you enough to ease some of your pain…I want to love you enough that one day you'll be able to see what I see in you. You're _not_ broken. You are amazing and smart and beautiful and…worthy of being loved."

She pulls one hand from Maura's cheek to brush away a strand of blonde hair from her face. She clears her throat to keep it from trembling. "It's no joke how much I love you, Maura Isles. I know I haven't known you very long, but," her cheeks turn pinker with slight embarrassment, "I already _know_ I couldn't live without you. That's how I know you'll never lose me."

No one but Tanner has ever said they loved her and meant it. _No one_ had ever said they'd been _in _love with her and meant it. She's too shocked, too thrown off to over analyze her emotions or the potentially negative outcomes.

She can think about that later.

So for now, her heart gets to lead.

She closes the small gap between them and tentatively presses her lips against Jane's. It's been so long since she's done this. And even longer since she's done this with someone she's ever cared about. It's terrifying.

But she doesn't want to stop.

She slightly opens her mouth and Jane follows—clearly letting Maura decide what she's ready to do. Her chest tightens at how that one tiny gesture makes her feel so immeasurably loved.

Her tongue presses into Jane's mouth—such a contrast to the cold air blowing around them—and Jane quickly reciprocates. Her fingers wind in Jane's hair as she gets more sure of herself, more comfortable with doing this.

Jane sits up and Maura stays straddling her lap—their kiss never breaking. She pushes one hand against Maura's back to pull her closer and the other cradles the nape of her neck. Maura lightly sucks at her lower lip and she can't help the moan from escaping her lips. She's waited for this for so long.

Maura does it again and Jane groans louder into her mouth. Her heartbeat spikes and threatens to drown out all other noises. It's like her edges—the boundaries of her body—are slipping away and she's melding, molding into Jane. Being filled and completely by something she didn't even know she was missing.

It's like nothing she's ever experienced.

It's…amazing.

She doesn't know she's crying until she opens her eyes when Jane pulls back and starts wiping the tears from her face.

"Did I do something wrong?"

Maura gives her a watery smile. "No. You did everything so perfectly _right_." She reaches up to wipe her eyes. "I'm sorry. I don't even know why I'm crying."

Relieved, Jane smiles and gives her one more quck kiss. "It's okay to cry as long as they're happy tears."

Maura nods and lightly laughs.

Jane gently squeezes her thighs. "C'mon, let's go in. My ass is frozen solid."

"Of course," she grins and shifts so she can stand, "I believe you promised me hot chocolate anyway."

"With pre-packaged marshmallows," Jane says with a wag of her eyebrows.

Maura laces their hands together as they start to walk back inside and smirks. "With pre-packaged marshmallows."

….

…

**Alright, yay for this I guess. **

**Next chapter…maybe not so yay? Haven't decided. **

**Eventually I think we'll get to the M rated chapters. Well, depending on what I decide for the next one lol **

**Let me know what ya think!**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Wow you guys. The feedback from the last chapter was amazing! I decided to give one more fluffy one just for that. So I hope you enjoy it. (:**

…

Jane crouches down and pushes a strawberry into Bass' face until he pops his head back in his shell. _Every fucking time. _How Maura gets him to eat, she'll never know. She sits in down in front of him and stares at him, hoping that'll somehow get him to eat it. She reaches out and barely runs her hand over his shell.

"Hey, Maura?" She calls out loud enough for Maura to hear her in the kitchen.

"Yes?"

She holds her breath as he starts to poke his head out but then immediately retracts. "If Bass lost his shell, would he be naked or homeless?"

Maura tilts her head even though she can't see Jane. "The spine is directly connected to the shell, so he'd be neither naked nor homeless. He'd be dead."

Jane laughs to herself. Clearly the joke went straight over Captain Literal's head. She stands and saunters into the kitchen to lean against the counter as Maura zips up a second bag.

"You do realize it's ten degrees outside, right? I don't think we'll need a cooler."

"Not only are you incorrect about the temperature," she playfully grins and hands Jane both of the bags, "but these also aren't just for keeping things cold. They're insulated—meaning they can also keep things warm."

Jane gasps. "Really? I didn't know that, Doctor Smartypants. Please, tell me more."

Maura grabs the keys off the counter and pinches Jane's side. "I suppose we could stay here and discuss this if you'd like. But that just means," she leans up and briefly kisses Jane before barely pulling back, "you won't get to see what I have planned for you."

Jane clears her throat and pulls back. Being that close to Maura is just too damn distracting to think about anything else. "Yeah, um…we can go. Yeah. Let's…let's go."

Maura smirks as they start walking towards the door. She never imagined someone like Jane Rizzoli could be turned into a blubbering mess so easily.

Jane laces their hands together as soon as they step outside. "I can't believe Frankie let you borrow his truck. He has never even let _me_ drive it. My family obviously likes you more."

"That's highly doubtful. Your family loves you very much." She lets go of Jane's hand as she walks around to the driver's side to climb inside. When she had assured Frankie she had driven a truck before, she may have exaggerated her abilities. This was definitely much larger than anything she had ever driven.

Jane's long legs allow her to get inside in one smooth, fluid movement. She holds her hand out for Maura to take after she puts it in drive. She can barely make out Maura's profile in the dark, but her heart clenches at how beautiful she is…how alone she's always been. She rubs her thumb across soft, pale knuckles. "They love you too, y'know."

Maura smiles, but Jane can still see the doubt on her face. "Really. You're family as far as they're concerned."

Maura briefly glances at her to see if Jane means it. Clearly, she does. She squeezes Jane's hand a little tighter as she looks back at the road. Even as a child she'd never really felt like part of a family. But here she is—being accepted and loved by people she had known for no more than five months.

They're already out of the city when Jane feels like Maura's been lost in thought long enough. She turns the heat up a little more before clearing her throat. Startled, Maura quickly snaps her attention over to Jane.

"Sorry. But where the hell are we going?" She makes sure to say it with a smile so it's not taken the wrong way.

Maura exaggeratedly rolls her eyes and looks back at the road. "Patience really is a virtue, Jane."

"Well, 'let's hurry the fuck up and get there' is a virtue in my book. So," she leans over and pokes Maura exactly where she's ticklish, "how about we stick to that one instead?"

Maura squeals as she tries to squirm away from Jane's assault on her ribs. "We're here! Jane, we're—stop! Stop, I can't—we're here!"

Laughing, Jane pulls back enough to look out the windshield as Maura pulls in an abandoned parking lot. If she wasn't a cop—and if she didn't trust Maura with her life—she'd probably think this was a little shady. She looks over to Maura and raises her eyebrows. "Exactly where is 'here'?"

Maura smirks. "Are you afraid? Or do you just have a strong dislike of parking lots, too?"

Jane feigns annoyance and crosses her arms. "Just for that, I'm not getting out of this vehicle. Have fun doing whatever you were going to do by yourself."

She puts her hand on Jane's thigh and squeezes. "What can I do to make it up to you?"

Her voice is pure sex and honey and Jane audibly swallows. She's going to do this right and take it slow because she knows they're not ready—Maura's not even remotely ready—to go any further. But it's still going to be pretty damn hard with her being such a tease.

She groans as she grabs the bags and opens the truck door. Ice cold air hits her face and she gasps. She has no idea what Maura's planning, she just hopes it doesn't involve freezing to death. She walks to the driver side and watches as Maura pulls out more blankets and pillows than she can count from the backseat—how had she missed those?—and throws them into the bed of the truck. Her teeth start chattering as Maura climbs up the tailgate and immaculately—but still quickly—starts arranging everything.

She reaches down and takes the coolers from Jane so she can climb up more easily. Once up, she sees four pillows pushed against the back and blankets and quilts lining the bottom. More are tossed on the side to pull around them after they settle in. No one had ever taken the time to do something so simple and, yet, so caring for her in her entire life.

She wraps her arms around Maura and pulls her close before kissing the crown of her hair. She lets out an embarrassed laugh to hide how emotional she's getting. "We're, uh…we're not going to get hypothermia or anything are we?"

Maura shakes her head and pulls back. "The cab will effectively block the wind, so we should be fine if we hurry up and lie down."

Jane takes that as her cue to let go and sit down. She waits until Maura is beside her before pulling at least three thick blankets over them and reclining back against the pillows. Under the blankets, Maura's arm wraps around her waist as she scoots closer and rests her cheek on Jane's chest.

"Is this your way of trying to get me into bed? Because you know it's a lot easier of than doing all of this."

Maura's laugh reverberates against her chest. "No. I want to show you something."

Her arm moves off of Jane and out from the blankets. She points directly up above them. "Do you see what is most commonly known as the Big and Little Dipper?"

Jane looks up for the first time and barely keeps from gasping. Never has she seen the stars shine so brightly—or as many, for that matter. She follows Maura's finger and nods. "Yeah, I can see 'em."

Satisfied, she pulls her arm back under the blanket to be warmed by their body heat. "They're actually parts of two different constellations called the Ursa Major and the Ursa Minor."

She tilts her head up slightly to look at Jane. "Those were always Tanner's favorites. Have you heard the mythology behind them before?"

Jane wraps her arms tighter around Maura. She could make a joke, but she can tell now isn't the time. She glances down and can barely see Maura's face in the dark as she shakes her head. "No."

Maura turns her attention back towards the sky and Jane does the same. "According to legend, Callisto was turned into a bear right after the birth of her firstborn son. Fifteen years later, her son—Arcas—went hunting in the forest and came across a bear. It was behaving strangely but he, of course, didn't recognize it was his mother since he hadn't seen her since birth. Right before he could take her life, he was transformed into a bear as well. They were then both taken into the sky by the gods—forever placed in the heavens as neighboring constellations…never to be separated again."

Her voice had dropped into a very low whisper by the time she was finished. Jane tried to pull her even closer. It was amazing how a story with an oddly happy ending could be so incredibly sad when put into perspective of Maura's life.

"Did you two used to do this?"

Maura shakes her head. "Sometimes in the summer, but not for these constellations. They're more visible in the northern hemisphere during winter, so it was always too cold for him. He did, however, become very well versed in using a telescope."

Jane can't help the smile on her face. She can imagine the tiny blonde standing on tiptoes to look at the stars while Maura tells him the different mythologies. She really wishes she could've met that little boy.

Maura's leg wraps over both of Jane's as she presses closer. Even though it's icy cold, Jane pulls her hand out from the blankets and runs her fingers through Maura's hair. "Tell me something happy…the happiest moment of your life."

….

Shaking from the fluctuation of hormones and fluid loss, she still somehow manages to steadily take the crying child into her arms. Almost instantly, he calms and his eyes slowly blink open. He frowns as he gets used to the bright lights, but it's not long until he does.

The frown turns into a look that's almost…happy. His eyes are the same baby-gray as most newborns and his lips are perfectly pink. She knows he can't see much further than a few inches in front of him yet, but it almost looks like he's studying her as much as she's studying him.

He yawns and his lips form a tiny O. Seeing that—seeing how calm and beautiful and perfect he is—is when she finally lets a few tears fall down her cheeks. She reaches up to touch the velvety soft skin of his nose and it almost looks like he grins. She knows it's nothing more than a reflex at this age, but it just makes her cry even harder.

This is her son and she is his mother.

Before labor, she would cry from the fear of not being enough for him—of not being capable of loving her child as much as he deserved to be loved.

Now, though, she's crying because of how _much_ she loves him.

Never in her life had she been so overwhelmed by sheer emotions. Never in her life had she _ever_ loved anyone.

But in a matter of moments after laying eyes on her son, it feels like her chest—every fiber of her being— is filling with love and hope and joy.

She had been alone—so hopelessly alone and ostracized and dejected—and now she's someone's whole entire world. She's loved and needed and it's shocking how…fulfilled she feels.

Only now does she realize everything she had been missing.

She'll never be unloved again. She'll never be unneeded or alone _ever_ again.

It's amazing and overwhelming and all things good wrapped into the little bundle in her arms.

So when the nurse comes back to take him to the nursery, she clings tighter and doesn't let go. This is her son and she needs him and no one will be able to take him from her.

The nurse has to calm her, promise her he can come back in a few hours, and wipe the tears from her eyes before she lets go.

After the door shuts, she prepares to feel alone again.

But she doesn't.

She doesn't because even though he's not with her, she's still needed and she still loves him. Even though he's not in the room, she isn't alone anymore.

And no matter what, she never will be.

He's a part of her life now. He _is _her life now.

And nothing, _nothing, _will be able to change that.

…

Jane smiles a watery grin—thankful that it's dark enough to hide it—before pulling Maura on top of her. She wipes tears from pale cheeks and pulls her down for a kiss. A kiss of comfort. Reassurance.

Maura slowly pulls back and opens her eyes, the smile already back on her face. Despite the tears, she's happy. All those years ago, she was right. Even though he's gone, he's still with her. Even death couldn't change that.

She reaches up and strokes Jane's cheeks before pulling back. "Oh! I almost forgot." She manages to reach across the truck bed without falling off Jane and grabs the coolers. She tugs them closer and sits back up—still straddling Jane—as she unzips them.

Her hands wrap around a thermos and she frowns. "I suppose whether something is insulated or not, things can only stay warm for so long in temperatures like this."

Jane manages to hold back and 'I told you so' as Maura unzips the other one. It's supposed to be cold so she doesn't worry when her fingers hit the cool plastic wrap. She picks it up and holds it out to Jane with a shy smile on her face.

Jane looks at it and her eyebrows shoot up in amazement. "How did you…Is this _the _recipe? The one I've tried to get from Ma since I was 19?"

Maura blushes and gives a weak nod.

Jane reaches out and pinches her side that elicits another shriek of laughter before she takes the torrone and shakes her head. "I told you my family liked you more."

Maura helps her find the edge of the plastic so she can unwrap it. "That's highly unlikely. I simply asked your mother for a recipe that you enjoyed. She could've given me this one without thinking about it."

Jane rolls her eyes. "That's about as likely as Hell freezing over. Ma doesn't give out recipes. _Ever_. She likes you more."

She breaks off a piece of the honey-sweet nougat dessert and almost moans as it hits her tongue. She's pretty sure Maura makes it even better than her Ma can. She breaks off another piece and holds it up to Maura's lips. She tentatively takes it from Jane's fingers and _does _moan.

"That's amazing. I…I can't believe I've never had it before."

Jane laughs as she eats some more. "Pretty damn good, right? That's why she never gives out the recipe. It wouldn't be as good if you could have it all the time."

Maura quickly wraps it and tosses it to the side before leaning down to Jane's face so close she could feel the heat radiating off her. "So you're saying that if you could have me all of the time—_all_ of me—it wouldn't be as good?"

Jane's eyes flick to Maura's lips and then back to her eyes. "No. That's different. Each time with you would be just as good, if not better, than the last."

Maura's eyebrow raises. "How do you know? We haven't done anything. It could be terrible. We could be completely incompatible."

Jane wastes no time pulling Maura against her, tasting the honey on her lips. Their mouths open against each other, teeth nipping, and tongues clashing.

It's not sloppy or dominating. It's a constant give and take between them. It's a physical manifestation of the love they had—even if Maura hadn't professed hers yet. Jane was capable of making her gasp, elicit a moan just from the way her long fingers slightly curled into Maura's hair. She was able to make Maura's heart pound in her chest just by brushing a hand over her cheek, her thigh.

Jane was all things soft and loving and gentle wrapped up in a hardened shell that she had only let Maura break through. She was caring and protective, loving and attentive. Somehow she managed to let all of those emotions shine through in a kiss—something Maura had never experienced.

She slowly starts rocking her hips against Jane and Jane's hands drop down her back and squeeze her ass to pull her closer. Her hands then travel upwards and push under Maura's shirt.

As soon as the coldness of Jane's hands touches her stomach, she gasps and pulls back from Jane's mouth. She looks into Jane's eyes as she strokes her cheeks. "What are we?"

Not expecting that, Jane's hands drop down to rest on the tops of Maura's jeans. "We're…we're whatever you want us to be."

Maura shakes her head. "No. This is about _us_, Jane. I can't be the one to decide what _we_ are."

Jane gives her another quick, reassuring kiss. "Yes you can. I want you to tell me what you're ready for. We can take it slow if you want, we can go on dates…hell, I'll even court you if that's what you want to call it." She lightly laughs before becoming more somber as her heart starts racing. Her voice drops to a whisper. "I'll even be your girlfriend if that's what you want. I'm in for it all, Maura, so you get to decide the pace. I'm ready for whatever you're ready for."

Maura searches Jane's face for an answer she isn't going to find. "What if I don't know what I'm ready for?"

Jane smiles and pulls Maura down against her chest. "Then I'll be here waiting until you figure it out."

…..

…..

**Yay for fluff! Leave a review, they make my day. (:**

**Oh, and torrone is an Italian sweet. **


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: So I love all of your fantastic reviews! I'm not so sure about this chapter so if you hate it, please tell me. I won't be offended. Promise!**

…

Around midnight, the emptiness that she's managed to halfway hold at bay for the past couple of weeks starts to creep back in full force. It encroaches, wrapping so tightly around her chest it brings tears to her eyes. She rolls on her back and tries to take deep, even breaths to calm herself, but it doesn't help anything at all.

Her hand shakes as she reaches over to the nightstand and gropes around for her phone. She finally grabs it and squints through blurry vision to dial the number she already has memorized. She holds her breath as the phone rings once, twice, three times.

She finally forces herself to breathe when she hears a loud noise on the other end.

"Rizzoli," the sleep-induced raspy voice gruffs out.

Maura's fingers grip tighter around her phone. "Jane?"

Jane clears her throat. "Oh. Hey. Is everything okay?"

Maura shakes her head even though she knows Jane can't see her. "No, I'm…I miss you."

Jane smiles as she sits up in bed and rubs her eyes. "I miss you too. Do you want me to come over? It won't take me long to get there."

Maura rolls on her side and pulls the comforter tighter around her body, pretending it was actually Jane. "No, I don't want to inconvenience you."

Jane laughs and she drops her legs off the side of the bed, fully prepared to get up and get dressed. "Maura, it's not an inconvenience if I offered to do it."

Maura wants her to, but it just feels like too much to ask. She's already used up almost every moment of Jane's spare time; she doesn't want to ask this of her, too. Besides, the more nights she spends with Jane, the more she'll get used to it, and the more she'll need it. That doesn't sound so bad to her, but she isn't sure if that's something Jane would be willing to put up with. "No, it's okay. Can you…can you just stay on the phone until I fall asleep?"

Reluctantly, Jane crawls back in bed. She'd much rather be with Maura than alone in her apartment. "Yeah, I can do that. What do you want me to talk about?"

Maura pushes further down into her pillow and closes her eyes. "Anything."

Jane thinks for a moment before finally settling on what to say. Maybe she's getting soft. Maybe she feels safer baring her soul late at night…like the words won't be remembered in the morning. It will all have been a dream, a hallucination never to be remembered again. It usually happens like that. The later it gets, the more someone reveals—Jane included. She lies on her back and rests her forearm across her eyes.

"You…you amaze me, Maura. Even with the smallest things that no one else picks up on. Like the way you tap your pen against the desk twice in a row when you're thinking. Or the way you bite your lip when you want something but don't know how to ask for it."

She takes a deep breath and rolls over on her side. "You know you can ask me for anything though, don't you? I promise I'll try to get it for you. Even though…even though everyone has always let you down, I won't. I really do love you, Maura. And…and you don't have to say it yet. I'm not going anywhere. I'll wait until you can say it back because I feel it. Every day, I feel how much I love you. And I'll be here waiting when you feel that about me, too."

Maura lies in silence for a few moments, letting everything sink in. How she managed to find someone so patient and kind and someone who gave everything while expecting nothing in return, she'll never know. She exhales a shaky breath. "Thank you," she whispers, not even sure if it was loud enough for Jane to hear.

Jane does, though, and smiles before going on to talk about baseball and hockey and things she knows Maura isn't interested in until Maura is asleep. She hangs up the phone and stares through the dark.

Maybe tomorrow will be the day Maura would go all in or maybe it won't. It doesn't really matter to her as long as they'd get there _eventually. _And she is almost positive that they will.

…

The call comes just after dawn and Maura feels like her heart literally stops. Her whole body trembles and she fights the nausea settling in her stomach as she hastily dresses. She breaks out in a cold sweat as she drives, breaking every traffic law to get to the hospital.

To get to Jane.

Maura tries not to blame herself, but she does anyway. If only she had let Jane come over—if only she had taken her up on her offer—maybe this wouldn't have happened. She would've gotten to the scene a few minutes later and the circumstances would've been different.

She parks in a spot she's sure is reserved and practically runs inside. Angela had already told her the room number so she doesn't stop to ask, just keeps jogging to the elevators. She clenches her eyes closed on the ascent to the third floor and tries to calm herself.

If Jane has a room and they're letting people back, she's alive and there's no immediate threat to her life. Maura _knows _this, but she still can't seem to shake the horrible feeling that's shrouding her, encasing her. The doors finally open and she quickly walks down the hall looking for the right room. When she finally finds it, she stops right outside the door.

She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She tries to convince herself that Jane is fine, that there's nothing to worry about. They'll get through this and everything will be okay. She reaches out and grabs the cold metal doorknob and tries to steel herself as she opens the door.

As soon as she lays her eyes on Jane, her hand grips the door facing to steady herself. Her fingers turn white from clenching so hard and she's breathing quick, shallow breaths. She can't move; she can't blink.

She's frozen in place.

There lay the woman she loves. The woman she had yet to _admit_ her love for. The woman that's supposed to be tough and brave and protective.

Now she looks anything but.

She's pale from the blood loss—cheeks gaunt and circles forming under her eyes. She looks weak and frail in the hospital gown draped around her body as she sleeps.

It looks exactly like Tanner in his final days.

Maura can't handle the range of emotions running through her; she can't cope.

So she runs.

She turns from the room and briskly walks back to the elevator in a daze. She hits the button on autopilot—not thinking. Her mind is blank from shock as the elevator ascends once more. It's not until she steps out that she's realized what she's done.

Subconsciously, she's managed to make her way to the oncological floor.

The _pediatric_ oncological floor.

Tanner never went here. Not once did he ever step through the doors of Massachusetts General Hospital. And yet, she still managed to make her way back to the place she never wanted to see again.

Instead of turning and getting back on the elevator as quickly as she can, she starts down the hall. She can hear laughter from some rooms and crying from others. Some children with masks, some bald, some that look perfectly fine roam down the halls to talk and try to make each other feel better.

She gets to the end where there's a large room—a playroom. The walls are covered in an undersea mural and there are large plush chairs in a reading corner, a painting station, televisions with gaming systems, a play kitchen area.

She stands in the doorway to watch as children of all different ages talk and play together. Even when they're incredibly sick, they look so happy. It's just like Tanner when he was still healthy enough to play in these rooms while he was getting treated.

Her eyes settle on a little boy sitting in the floor by himself. No more than four—he meticulously works to put a puzzle together as quickly as he can. He reaches up to brush some of his brown hair out of his eyes as he puts in the last piece. He looks around to see if anyone is there to praise him, congratulate him on finishing it, but no one is. He sees he's alone and takes apart the puzzle to finish again. Maybe when he finishes this time someone will actually be there to see what he accomplished.

Where Tanner was pale with sandy blonde hair and light hazel eyes, this child has long brown hair and brown eyes. His skin is slightly pale now, but she can tell he would most likely have an olive complexion if he wasn't getting treated. Where Tanner was inquisitive in an outspoken way, this little boy is inquisitive in a totally different way. His eyes study everyone, every_thing_ around him.

Tanner would strike up a conversation with anyone and tried to play with any group of children that would let him. This boy, although still kind, was hesitant of anyone that tried to play with him. She couldn't tell if he was shy or afraid, but it was heartbreaking to see the look that flashed across his face as he inched back whenever someone would come up to him.

He was so unlike Tanner in so many ways, but he pulled on her heart in a way she thought she'd never feel again.

She jumps as she feels a hand pat her back. She turns to see a nurse standing beside her that's staring at the same little boy. The nurse smiles at him and his head ducks back down so she turns to Maura.

"Foster parent?"

Maura's eyebrows knit together and she shakes her head. "I…no."

The nurse's face falls. "Oh. You sure?"

Maura tilts her head. "Yes, I'm certain. Why?"

She gives a small frown. "Jace is a foster child. He gets shuffled around more than a deck of cards 'cause everyone always gets tired of spending their time here ." She turns to look Maura up and down. "I was hoping he had actually gotten a decent person that would care about him for a change."

Maura's heart drops. Her child that she loved was taken by this horrible illness and here was this child—alive, _surviving_ and there's no one here to love him. Her face grows pale and she takes a small breath. "Is he…is he almost done with radiation?"

The nurse shrugs. "I can't tell you that, ma'am." She starts to leave but abruptly turns back. "Maybe you should go ask _him_ how he's doing. I'm sure he'd love the company."

She watches the nurse's back as she walks away. When she turns back around, the little boy is staring at her from the room with wide, hopeful eyes. He wants her to talk to him. _She_ wants to talk to him.

But she can't. It's too soon; everything is still so fresh in her mind. She can't do this. She can't get attached to someone she may never see again. It's happened to her too many times to count. She gets attached and everyone leaves her in one way or another. She can't handle that pain again.

She backs out of the door and turns towards the elevators. She wants to leave; she wants to go home and drown her sorrows in the one bottle of alcohol she managed to keep in her house. But she can't. She promised Angela she would come by for a few minutes and no matter how much it hurts, she always keeps her promises.

This time when she walks in Jane's room she makes sure not to look at her. She keeps her eyes focused on Angela as she walks over and sits down in the seat beside her. After she sits, she looks at the walls, the floor, anything to keep from looking at Jane.

Angela squeezes her knee and waits for her to look up. She gives a small, sympathetic smile. "I know this isn't easy for you, Maura. Jane told me what happened."

Maura furrows her brow. "You mean she's already woken up?" She glances towards Jane out of the corner of her eye before quickly looking back at Angela. "Did she…did she ask for me?"

"No, she hasn't woken up yet." Angela reaches up and takes one of Maura's hands in her own. "I meant she told me what happened to your little boy."

Maura quickly pulls her hand back. She's not mad at Jane for telling, she just wishes she hadn't. After everything that's happened today, she can't handle talking about this too.

Angela clasps her hands in her lap and sits in silence as she watches more emotions that she can count flit across Maura's face. She waits until a single tear drops from Maura's eye and rolls down her cheek until she tentatively reaches over and dabs it away with a tissue.

She clears her throat and looks back over to Jane. "When Jane decided to be a cop, I was scared. I remember reading a quote about how there's a word for widows and widowers and orphans, but there isn't—"

"—a word for a parent who loses a child. That's how awful the loss is." Maura swallows and looks back up to Angela's face. "Neugeboren, 1976."

Angela reaches out to take her hand, and this time she lets her. Angela takes a deep breath and shakes her head as she looks at her daughter in the hospital bed. "Every day I wonder if it's the last day I'll be able to see my Janie. It's terrifying. I can't…I can't even imagine what you went through." She turns back to face Maura, tears now in her eyes. "I want you to know that you're in our family now. No matter what happens with you and Jane, you're a part of us and you can _always_ talk to me about anything. Okay? We love you and we're not going anywhere."

A sob wracks through Maura's body as she gets pulled into a hug. Jane had told her so many times that she was family—that everyone loved her—but now was the first time she actually believed it. Never had she ever really been considered part of a family. Her parents were always too busy for her, too busy to even talk to her after she left for boarding school. But now she has someone willing to accept her for everything she is and everything she isn't. Happiness, relief, and an overwhelming sadness engulf her as she cries into Angela's shoulder.

After a few minutes, Angela looks up and realizes Jane is awake and watching the scene unfold. She gives Maura one last squeeze and then stands to leave. For once, she isn't going to meddle or pry—she's going to give them the time they need.

Confused, Maura watches her leave and then turns her attention to Jane. She gasps as she realizes she's awake. Jane gives a weak grin and turns her palm up towards Maura. "Hey."

Maura stands and walks to the side of the bed, but doesn't take Jane's hand. She simply looks down at Jane for so long that the silence becomes deafening. Jane scans her face, trying to figure out what she's thinking. "Maura…talk to me."

She crosses her arms and looks away. "You could've died, Jane."

Jane reaches up and gently pulls one of Maura's arms until she can grasp her hand. "They're letting me out today, Maur. I'm fine. Really. It's just a scratch."

"You were stabbed in your femoral artery! That is _not_ just a scratch."

Jane scoffs. "It was a branch of the artery thing. Not even the main part! I'm fine." She closes her eyes and rubs her thumb across the top of Maura's hand. She looks back up at Maura, eyes now full of compassion. "I love you, Maura. I'm not going to die anytime so—"

"—You can't be sure of that, Jane." Maura pulls her hand back down to her side and blinks away a new wave of tears. "You don't know when you're going to die. It could be today, tomorrow….you can't possibly know. Just because you love me doesn't mean you can evade death. Trust me, I know that." She shakes her head and takes a step back from the bed. "I'm in love with you, Jane. But…but I can't be with you."

Jane reaches out to Maura but she comes up inches short. She loves Maura, she needs her. It can't end like this. "Please, Maura. Just…just take a second. I know it's a lot to process, I do. But I love you. Don't throw it all away because you're scared."

Maura bites her lip and manages to only let a few tears escape. "I'm not…It would hurt me too much if I lost you like this." She looks down to the floor and her throat tightens. She looks back at Jane and her voice drops to a whisper. "I trust you and I love you, but…you almost_ died_. I can't lose someone else. I just…I simply _can't_ lose anyone else."

Before Jane can reply, she takes her bag and walks out the door. Tears are rolling down her face, but she doesn't even bother to wipe them. She really does love Jane. But she has to distance herself before she gets any more attached. To lose two people she loved in less than a year? The pain would be unfathomable.

She wouldn't make it through that.

She gets in her car and drives home. As soon as she walks inside she tears through every kitchen cabinet, every closet until she finds what she needs. It won't help her in the long run, she knows. But for now—for a few hours, she'll be preoccupied with something besides the pain she's feeling.

She opens the cheap bottle of whiskey and pours a glass, relishing the burn of the liquid rolling down her throat. It's a welcome burn. Anything to distract her—to keep her from feeling so utterly broken—is a welcome feeling.

She pours another and another until the bottle is half empty and she can barely stumble over to the couch. As soon as she lies down, she spots a picture Jane had apparently snuck in and placed on the coffee table.

It's a picture of them. They're helping Angela make the very first apple pie of the season. Flour is covering Maura's hands and Jane is struggling to peel the smallest apple they had picked. Angela must've taken it when they weren't looking. They look so comfortable in each other's presence and so…happy.

She rolls and buries her face in the pillow as she cries once more. She loves Jane. She's _in_ love with her.

She just doesn't know how to be with her and not be afraid of losing her.

…..

…..


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Man, I love the feedback! I'm glad you're just as invested as I am. I hope I don't disappoint!**

…

The memory of Jane's face scrunching up in an attempt to keep from crying is haunting her. It's pulling so hard on her emotions that her chest aches. It makes her nauseous and she knows it's from more than just a hangover.

Had Jane ever left her? Made Maura beg her to stay?

No. Not even in her darkest hours.

But somehow she still managed to leave Jane in that hospital bed, sleep through eight missed calls, and drink enough to make her own self hurt less. She'd left Jane weak and alone—just like Jane had promised to never do to her.

The memory of that little boy's eyes—so big and brown—staring at her, silently begging for her attention is tormenting her, breaking her apart. Would she have let Tanner look at her like that and then just walk away?

No. Never.

And yet, this boy has _no one_—exactly like herself as a child—and she still managed to walk away. She walked away and left him looking after her as she fled. She made him feel like he was worthless in yet another person's eyes.

How could she have done that?

Her head is pounding, sweat-matted hair is clinging to her forehead, hands shaking from dehydration, but all she can think about is Jane and that little boy.

Jane and that little boy she left all alone in that hospital on the same damn day.

How can she possibly make any of this right?

She doesn't know.

She slowly stands up from the couch—wobbling and slightly off kilter. It feels like her head is swimming and spinning as she makes her way down the hall to the small bathroom. She peels off the clothes that she hastily put on the previous morning and throws them in the floor. She doesn't bother with putting them in the hamper.

How can she possibly care about neatness when she's obviously let so many people down?

Tanner, Jane, her parents…that little boy.

She's let them all down in one way or another.

The water scalds her skin as she sinks down to the shower floor. It feels like someone is sitting on her chest—she's gasping for breath, her heart is pounding, everything is spinning. She brings her knees to her chest and rests her forehead against them.

The pain in her chest is growing, hurting, searing her from the inside out. She cries for what she's lost and what she's probably never going to have.

This wasn't how her life was supposed to go.

She wasn't supposed to feel so utterly empty and so utterly filled with pain like this.

What did she do wrong? What did she do to deserve this?

The weight that's perpetually pressing down upon her is threatening to crush her. She struggles to take deep breaths, to stay calm as she leans back against the shower wall. Wet hair is matting against her face and her skin is a bright pink from the burning hot water. The lack of oxygen getting to her lungs is making her lethargic—her limbs feel so heavy that she can barely move.

She relaxes her legs straight in front of her on the shower floor and the water hits her stomach. She watches as the skin that was guarded by her legs turns a deep red. It gives her something else to focus on and the pain in her chest slowly starts to fade.

Her head is spinning as she finally works up enough determination to shakily pull herself up. She haphazardly washes her hair before stumbling out of the shower. Her legs feel like jelly and all she wants to do is lay down, but she has so many things she has to do today. So many things she _needs_ to straighten out.

She puts on the first thing she comes across in her closet and only halfway dries her hair before pulling it back in a messy ponytail. As she looks in the mirror and sees the premature wrinkles garnishing the corner of her eyes and the paler than usual complexion of her skin, she debates on whether or not to put on makeup.

In the end she decides not to. She has neither the time nor the patience to go through with that today. She gets in her car and tries to figure out where she should go first. She finally settles on going to the hospital. Jane isn't there now, but that little boy is and she wants to see him—to try and make sure he knows he isn't worthless. Not to her and not to anyone else.

The whole drive she thinks of what she should say to him and how she should act around him. Does she act like she'll see him again? That this isn't just a one-time thing? Or does she not get his hopes up and let him know the finality of this visit?

Her thoughts detach her from reality and she drives to the hospital on autopilot. All too soon, she's already walking inside and onto the elevator. With clammy hands she brushes some stray wisps of hair out of her face as she ascends.

Her heart is pounding and her mouth is bone dry when she finally gets to the sixth floor. The halls are just as loud and the children are just as playful as the day before. Right as she gets to the playroom, the same nurse comes out of it and gives Maura a wink as she leaves. She was hoping Maura would come back.

Maura tentatively steps into the room and looks around for the little boy. He's sitting in the same corner with only more puzzles to keep him company. She watches him work for a few moments before she slowly starts to make her way over.

She wants to run. She wants to run and never look back. She already knows she's going to get too attached. Is she ready for that? Another little boy's face to haunt her in her dreams?

No. Most likely not.

But this is the right thing to do. She doesn't listen to her gut; she _knows_ this is the right thing to do.

She crouches down in front of him and his head quickly jerks up. As soon as he recognizes her, the corners of his lips turn up ever so slightly before looking back down to puts together a puzzle. Since he didn't back away, she takes it as her cue to join him.

She sits on the floor and watches as he pops the pieces together with ease. "Do you like puzzles?"

Her voice is soft, quiet. She makes sure she doesn't startle him. He looks at her for a second before reaching behind him and handing her a puzzle he was going to finish next.

She takes it from him and her hands start to shake as she looks down at it.

It's Clifford.

Tanner's favorite.

She quickly blinks and clears her throat. "Clifford is very unique, isn't he?"

More confident, he inches towards her and nods. She smiles and turns it upside down to mix up the pieces. She quickly finishes and he looks up at her in awe. The first adult to ever play with him _and_ the first person to finish before he could? Amazing.

She sharply inhales as he crawls over to her and settles in her lap. She wasn't expecting it. Certainly not from a child who had yet to utter a single word to her.

It feels so similar and yet so utterly different than all the times Tanner had ever done this. Not better, but certainly not worse. She doesn't know whether to laugh or cry, so she just wraps one arm around his waist and looks over his shoulder to watch him piece puzzle after puzzle together.

After the third one, she feels more confident in her ability to contain her emotions. She lightly runs her fingers through his brown hair and smiles as she sees him smile from it. It's probably the first time anyone had ever given him such a loving gesture.

He presses back against her stomach and looks up at her—studying her face, cataloging it to memory. If this is going to be the last person to ever hold him like this, he'd like to be able to remember her. She smiles down at him and pulls him closer to her.

"How old are you, Jace?"

He gives a sheepish grin as she says his name and then holds up four skinny fingers. She smiles and takes that same tiny hand in hers. He reaches up with his free one and rubs a wisp of her hair between his fingers before bringing them down to trail down the side of her face.

She lightly laughs and he gets shy, so he pulls his hands back from her to work on another puzzle. She watches him and talks to him even though he never verbally responds. After an hour, her legs are going numb and it's almost time for her to go. She pulls him back into a gentle hug and he looks up, sadness already filling his eyes.

"You is leavin'?"

This is the part she knew she wouldn't be ready for. She takes a calming breath and nods. "Yes. It's time for me to go. I'll…Perhaps I'll come back soon, okay?"

He frowns and looks down to his hands lying in his lap. "You is the nicest to play with me in a long time." He reaches up to wrap his arms around the back of her neck and scoots and climbs until he's half standing in her lap and they are pressed cheek to cheek. She smells the shampoo in his hair and her arms instinctively wrap tighter around his back.

He waits a few moments before letting go to look at her. His eyes scan her face—in case it's the last time he'll ever see her—and he gives her a little smile as he puts his tiny hands on her cheeks. "Be back to see me, okay? We can play puzzle again." His lip starts to tremble and his eyes start to water. He's never had anyone to just simply _be_ with him for so long. Now he's scared he never will again. "Don't leave forevers. I'll be here tomorrow and we can play. Please come play?"

She knows it's illogical but she _swears_ she feels her heart breaking apart in her chest. This can't be a one-time thing. She can't leave this little boy here alone again. Not when he's looking at her with those big brown eyes and quivering chin.

Some people might think she's looking for a replacement—another child to dull the ache of the loss of her own.

But she isn't.

Tanner can never be replaced. There will always be a part of her that's solely his. She will never forget him and she can never replace him.

But Jace?

He's alive and surviving and in need of love. And even though she's scared—_terrified_ of getting torn apart and broken down again, she has enough love to give him. Deep down, she knows she has enough to give him even when no one else can take the time to give any at all.

He's not hers, but she'll love him in all the ways that she's able. When the day comes that he is cancer free and no longer in the hospital…she'll think about that then. But not today.

Today she's thinking about this little boy with his hands pressed on her cheeks, begging for her to love him. She's not thinking of herself.

She pulls him tight against her once more and lets out a shaky breath as she nods. "I'll be here tomorrow and the next day and the next. We can play whatever you'd like. I'll be back, okay? I'll be back."

….

She cries all the way home. It's almost as if it's a never ending cycle. She cries, she pretends she's fine, she actually _is_ fine when she's with Jane, she cries, and then it starts all over again. Will it ever end?

When she finally pulls back up to her apartment building, Jane is sitting on the front steps—hair wild, injured leg outstretched, and anxiously biting on the edge of her thumbnail. When she sees Maura, she manages to push herself up to stand and then wipes her clammy hands on her pants.

Maura walks up to her and they stand in an awkward silence for a moment until Jane manages to clear her throat. "I, uh…I tried to come yesterday but no one would bring me." When Maura says nothing, she bashfully looks down and points over her shoulder. "Frankie's around the corner if you want me to leave."

Maura finally manages to shake her head. "No. You should stay…I'd like for us to talk."

Jane gives a weak smile before trying to hobble up the stairs behind Maura. It's definitely not an easy task with stitches holding the gaping hole in her thigh together. Maura hears the struggle and climbs back down a step so Jane can lean against her. Jane is strong willed and hates to be weak, so Maura says nothing at all about it until they finally manage their way to the couch.

Jane flops down on it in a relaxed sitting position—feet both planted firmly on the floor. Maura shakes her head and lifts the injured leg to rest on the coffee table. "Jane, how long were you sitting out there? It's freezing and your leg really should have been elevated."

Jane rolls her eyes and takes the blanket Maura hands her. "Not long, alright. Maybe five or ten minutes."

Maura raises her eyebrows and Jane sighs. "Okay, maybe forty-five. Fifty minutes, tops."

Only Jane Rizzoli would be foolish enough to survive a stabbing just to chance hypothermia the next day. Maura shakes her head and sits close enough to Jane that her body heat will hopefully help Jane warm up faster.

Jane reaches out to take Maura's hand before quickly pulling back. She sheepishly looks up at her before back down at the floor. "Sorry. Habit, I guess."

Maura ignores the apology and takes Jane's hand—her fingers moving up and down to trace Jane's long ones. She does that for a few moments before she finally gets brave enough to look up at and meet Jane's eyes. She feels the blood draining from her face and she nervously bites her lip. "Are you…are you _really_ in love with me?"

Jane audibly swallows before giving the tiniest of nods. "Yeah. I _really_ am."

Maura scans her face for any sign of a lie, but finds none. Jane is a detective, though—trained to give nothing away. Her facial recognition isn't enough for something this important. She takes a deep breath and never takes her gaze from Jane. "You're sure?"

Every morning when Jane wakes up, her first thought is about Maura. Throughout the day she wonders what Maura's doing, how she's feeling. At night, Maura is the last thing on her mind before she falls asleep. When she's not with Maura, her chest aches and it's all she can do to focus on anything _but _Maura.

This isn't infatuation. She's been infatuated with people plenty of times. But loved?

She's only ever loved Maura Isles. This isn't a fling, it's not a 'I'm bored, let's see what happens' kind of thing. This is it. She can see herself growing old and gray and settling down with Maura—a thought that would've scared her less than a year ago.

But this is it for her. The once in a lifetime, big deal kind of thing.

Maura Isles is her endgame. Jane couldn't deny that she's in love with her if she tried.

Jane squeezes her hand and her eyebrows knit together. "Maura, why would I lie about that?"

"It's happened before." Maura drops her gaze to the floor, pure pain oozes through her words."Someone telling me they loved me to get what they wanted from me. To use me." She slowly looks back at Jane, cheeks burning pink. "I just need to be sure that's not what this is. I'm not…I'm not very good at social interaction, so I need you to tell me the truth. You're not…you really love me? This isn't just a game to you, is it? Because if it is, you can stop playing now. I have nothing left for you to take."

Jane feels her heart break and her anger grow at the same time. How could anyone, _anyone_ use Maura like that? She's kind and caring and giving beyond compare. She's been battered and broken and someone_ willing_ tore her down even more?

Unacceptable.

"Maura," she reaches up and runs her thumb across a pale cheek. "The only thing I want to take from you is your pain. You shouldn't have to deal with all of it by yourself. And…and I want your love. I want you to not be scared to love me like I love you."

She clutches Maura's hand with both of her own and presses it to her chest, her voice dropping to a low, gravely whisper. "This isn't a game to me. This is real. And, yeah, sometimes I might let you down and accidentally hurt you. But it'll only hurt because it matters. Because I matter to you and you matter to me. Don't push me away because you're afraid of losing me. Because then…then you'll have lost me anyway."

She brushes some of the hair away from Maura's face and then presses their foreheads together. Her hand travels back up to Maura's cheek and her eyes close as she feels Maura's damp breath on her face. "I don't want to lose you, Maura. Don't push me away. I can't lose you. I can't."

Maura lets Jane have her moment before pulling back and standing up. Jane looks at her with a face full of confusion until Maura finally extends her hand to help her off the couch. "Let's go lie down. You can prop your leg up more easily that way."

They both know she only told half of what she was thinking. Yes, the bed _is_ better than a tiny, uncomfortable couch and a coffee table.

But it's also a better place for Maura to curl up in all that's Jane and pretend like nothing could ever happen to them, nothing will ever pull them apart—if only for a few hours.

She helps Jane out of her coat and into the bed before propping her leg up on some pillows. Maura's too emotionally and physically tired from the events of the past two days to worry about changing into something that matches. She strips down to her underwear before throwing on an old shirt Jane had left there a few weeks ago—letting the smell and feel envelop her.

She climbs into bed on Jane's uninjured side and lays her head on her chest. The lull of Jane's heartbeat is enough to lull her asleep, but Jane's arms wrapping tightly around her relaxes her to a point she hasn't reached in years.

Relaxed and calm and carefree for once in what seems like forever, she doesn't stop the "I love you" from rolling off her tongue as she falls asleep.

Jane smiles and pulls her tighter against her. They might not be fine tomorrow or even later that day, but they were at that very moment and that was enough for her.

…

…

**I used part of a John Green quote in there somewhere, I think. **

**But yeah, review maybe? They really make my day!**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: We've still got a long road ahead, dearest babies. Just have a little trust! And some have voiced concerns over the fate of Jace. I'm sorry if I didn't make this clear before, but he's having radiation (already done with the chemo) and he will even be done with that soon. So, he isn't going to be dying or anything like **_**that. **_**Sorry to make you worry!**

…

The next morning, Maura manages to leave without waking Jane. She promised Jace she would come see him and she never breaks her promises—even though she knows she might be getting in over her head. She can already feel herself getting attached.

Not because he's like Tanner, because he isn't. She's getting attached because he's so much like _she _was as a child. Quiet, inquisitive…alone.

She knows what it's like to be in his shoes—to wish someone, _anyone _would take notice of you for just a moment. She would've given anything for that, but her parents never paid her an ounce of attention. She grew up with the pain and emotional scarring of benign neglect, she _knows_ what it feels like.

She doesn't want Jace to go through that. If she can save him from feeling ignored and unloved for a few months or even only a few weeks, she's going to do that for him. She'll take the brunt of the pain after he's gone if it means she can spare him from it for just a little while. She's not going to be the one that lets him down. She'll be left worse for wear after he leaves the hospital and she never sees him again, but she isn't going to let him down.

Stepping into the playroom, she sees him sitting at a table with other children that are finger painting. She almost laughs as she notices that he's the only one using a paintbrush. Even more like herself than she thought.

She walks over and sits next to him at the table and warily looks at her. She smiles and reaches out to touch his hair but he instantly dodges her hand and looks back down at the paper without so much as a grin.

It feels like she's breaking inside all over again. She manages to take a deep breath to calm herself. This behavior is completely normal for someone who's been neglected. He's pushing her away du his own fear of getting attached and she doesn't blame him. Not at all.

Because she knows loss and what it's like to get attached and then suddenly have someone ripped away from you. It's horrific and painful and scary. It makes you never want to become attached to anyone again.

But then there always comes that moment when it hits you. It hits you and you realize that not everyone is going to leave you. Life isn't so scary anymore; it isn't so dark anymore.

It's hit her twice. The first time was with Jane. She knows Jane could get injured on the job and taken from her, but she'll never _willing_ leave. She's made that much clear. The second time it hit her was the very moment Jace crawled into her lap and looked up at her with a small smile playing on his lips.

One day, he'll will realize that not everyone is going leave him either. She just hopes she can help him get there.

She sets her purse down on the floor and grabs a sheet of paper. He watches out of the corner of his eye as she pulls out a paintbrush and starts painting with a pale yellow. He watches as she paints lines and circles and changes the colors. It doesn't take long until she's done and holds it up towards him.

He slowly looks over at it and he barely starts to grin. She smiles and points at it. "Have you ever been to the park?"

He frowns and shakes his head. She'll have to remember that. She puts the paper back down and draws a little stick boy and then holds it back up with a smile. "Now you have."

He reaches out to take it but looks up at her first to see if it's okay. She nods and he pulls it into his grasp. His fingers lightly dance over the little stick figure and he fully smiles as he looks back up to her. "That's me?"

"Yes, that's you," she says with a smile that matches his own.

He looks back at it for a moment before frowning and sitting it on the table. He pulls out a paintbrush and crudely draws a stick person next to him that's holding his hand. He holds it back up and laughs. "And there is you!"

She can't explain it, but it feels like her chest feels immeasurably lighter than before. Even if it's only for a little while, she doesn't mind. It just feels so utterly _right_ to be sitting here and talking to him. He reaches out with his small hand and clasps two of her fingers and then tilts his head. "What's your name?"

"Maura."

He gives a quick nod and then starts writing their names on the top of the page with a crayon. Instead of Maura and Jace, he spells _Moruh_ and _Jase. _It might not be right, but it's pretty good for a four year old who's never been formally taught anything.

He looks up at her for approval and she smiles as she applauds him. "You did _so_ well. I'm very proud of you."

That's when it hits him. She can see it in his eyes. Perhaps not the 'not everyone will leave me' that she came to realize, but something still clicks in him. Maybe no one has ever said those things to him before. Maybe he finally realized that she really _did_ come back for a second visit and this just wasn't a dream.

Either way, she's glad he gets it. He clambers up into her lap and she holds him as he paints sunsets and puzzles and his favorite cartoons. He manages to get paint on his face and all over her hands, but she does nothing but laugh. She doesn't care about tidiness and neatness right now. Not when he just looks so utterly happy.

She stays for another hour—just watching him draw and paint and laugh. She's so wrapped up in just being with him that she forgets about everything else. It's truly a welcome feeling. She finally looks up at the clock and realizes that Jane is probably awake by now.

"It's time for me to go now, okay?" She runs her fingers through his hair and he leans back against her, dejectedly.

"Okay."

They sit there in silence for a beat until he squirms his way around and gives her a hug just like he did the day before. He pulls back, hands still lightly resting on the back of her neck. "Thanks for seeing me paint today. Tomorrow?"

"Yes, tomorrow."

He smiles and then reaches back to the table. He pulls out the painting she did with him at the park with their names at the top and holds it out to her. "Take it to remember."

She feels her eyes start to water. She doesn't need a painting to remember—there's no way she's ever going to forget. Even after two visits, Jace has managed to worm his way into her life. But he's looking at her with those big, hopeful eyes and there's no way she can say no.

"Thank you," she says as she takes it from him and puts it in her purse.

He gives her one last hug before climbing off her lap and running to the corner to play with the puzzles by himself. She watches him for a few moments before she can finally work up the nerve to leave. Perhaps getting attached was an understatement.

….

She walks in her apartment and Jane is there—granted, in different clothes—making coffee. As soon as she steps in the kitchen, Jane turns to face her with a mock scowl. "Why don't you have any cereal? All I could find was oatmeal. And not even the flavored kind. Just the plain kind that tastes like cardboard and ass."

Maura tilts her head and narrows her eyes. "How do you know what—"

"—Don't. It's a figure of speech." Jane finally pours the coffee in a mug and then turns to Maura—first noticing the paint on her hands before looking up at her face. "Where have you been?"

Maura feels her face start to blush. It isn't that she doesn't trust Jane, she just doesn't want to be judged or condemned for what she's doing. She feels like telling where she was will make Jane think she's broken, crazy even. She doesn't want that. Not after they're finally sorting things out.

She gives a shrug and walks to the sink to wash her hands. "I went to see a friend."

Jace _is_ a friend as far as she's concerned. She watches Jane give an understanding nod—apparently not too concerned with Maura's early morning escapades—before walking off to the living room. She goes to pour her own coffee, but gets interrupted when Jane wraps her arms around her waist from behind.

Her heart starts to pound in her chest and her eyes go wide as she sees the thin, flat red box that Jane is holding up to her. She turns her face to look at Jane's. "What is it?"

Jane laughs and sets it on the counter in front of them. "Early Christmas gift. We have a long weekend coming up and I figured now would be a good time to give this to you."

Maura looks downs and plays with the red paper on the edges of the box.

Jane presses tighter against her and laughs. "Go on. Open it."

With trembling fingers, she pulls off the paper and then takes off the lid. Her eyebrows furrow as she sees what's inside. There's no way this is what she thinks it is.

She holds it up and reads the print.

It's definitely what she thinks it is. She shakes her head and sits it back down in the box. "Jane, I can't accept this."

Jane shrugs behind her. "Well, it's nonrefundable so you kind of have to."

Maura turns around in Jane's arms to face her. Her eyes barely start to water as she looks into Jane's. "How did you know?"

"It wasn't easy. I've been trying to find out for a few months now." She reaches behind Maura and picks up the box before looking down in it. "I figured you'd want to go around Christmas, y'know? To see him."

"Thank you," a tear finally falls from her cheek as she shakes her head. "But I can't. I can't go alone."

Jane sets down the box and pulls Maura's hands in her own. "You're not. I…I bought two tickets so I could go with you if you wanted me to." She brushes some hair out of Maura's hair as she tries to read her face. As a detective, she's normally good at it. But not now. Not when it's all Maura can do to keep it together. "Do you…do you want me to? I can give them to someone else if—"

"—No. I want you to." She leans forward into Jane, letting long arms envelop her in an embrace she feels safe in. She pushes closer and rests her forehead on Jane's shoulder. "I want you to, Jane. I want you to," she hoarsely whispers.

Not to mention the fact that she most likely never would've been able to go alone, tickets weren't cheap. She didn't think she'd be able to afford one for a long time since she was still buried in debt from the medical bills. This is…she's never felt so happy and anxious and nervous all at once.

She buries her face in Jane's neck—content to just stand in the kitchen and be held. They were going back to a place she didn't think she'd see in a long time—her old home, her old town.

They were going to go see Tanner.

….

….

**I started a new fic. You should go read it!**

**And reviews on this are appreciated, as always. (:**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews, as always! I hope I don't disappoint. Also, baby Jace has not been forgotten. Don't worry. (:**

**And this one is short, but I assure you the next one will be so long you'll hate me for writing that much. **

…

The whole flight Maura either pretends to read or pretends to sleep against Jane's shoulder. She doesn't talk—she doesn't _want_ to talk. It'd be too hard to make small talk when something heavy, so emotional is on her mind. And thankfully, Jane doesn't try to make her. She just holds Maura's hand for reassurance and either sleeps or looks out the window until they get there.

Jane gets their carry-ons down from the overhead compartment since Maura is still just an inch shy of reaching even with her heels on before they step out into the main aisle. As they wait to exit the plane, she tentatively slips her hand into Jane's. She's not ashamed of their relationship—is that even what this was?—but they weren't in Boston anymore. Granted, people generally didn't care here, but it was still something she was afraid might cause a scene. She didn't want to do that to Jane; not after all she somehow managed to pull this trip off in the first place.

As if telling Maura to not be worried, Jane squeezes her hand just a little tighter as they finally manage to step into the terminal. They were only staying one full day so neither packed anything more than what could fit in their carryon bags. They walked past through the airport, past the luggage carousals, and straight outside.

Jane gasps as the cold air blows around her. She doesn't know what she was expecting, but the temperature being almost the same as Boston certainly wasn't it. She lightly bounces up and down on the balls of her feet to try to keep herself warm as they wait for a cab.

"What made you pick Nebraska anyway?"

Maura visibly startles. It was the first time either had spoken since they left home and she was so wrapped in thought that she had almost forgotten what Jane's voice sounded like. Her cheeks turn a little pink from the cold wind and she gives a little shrug. "If you're going to run away, you might as well run away to a place no one will think to look."

It makes sense, but Jane's eyebrows still raise the tiniest bit in curiosity. "What were you running from?"

Maura looks over at her. She knows she can trust Jane with anything; she'll never be judged or condemned. But this is just another story she'd rather not have to explain right now. It would bring out too many emotions—more than she's already feeling—and she doesn't want that right now. She licks her lips and glances to the cab that pulls up beside them out of the corner of her eye. "People."

Jane lets the cabbie take her bag without argument as she stands in a confused silence. What the hell does that even mean? _People_.

Surely no one was trying to find her and hurt her.

Right?

Maura's already waiting in the cab when Jane comes to her senses. She quickly gets in the car and shuts the door right as they start to drive off. Maura's profile isn't too hard to make out in the dark when the city lights shine through the windows, but Jane is still having a hard time trying to figure out exactly what Maura's feeling.

She can see the pain. The anxiety. The emotional wear all of this has had on her.

Jane scoots until she's sitting in the middle—long legs pressing against the console in front of her—and drapes her arm around the back of the seat. Maura never looks away from watching the buildings blur past, but she gently places her hand on Jane's thigh and give a feather light squeeze—a silent thanks and recognition for all Jane has already done for her and for everything she's continuing to do.

They finally get to the small, older hotel on the outskirts of the city. It's not much to look at but it was the most Jane could manage to afford after buying the tickets. Maura doesn't mind though. She's just so incredibly grateful to be here and be here with _Jane_ that she doesn't care where they stay.

After they check in, they go to the second floor and walk down the hall to their room at the very end. Maura unlocks the door and steps inside before she looks back at Jane in uncertainty. Jane looks at the two twin beds inside and then back to Maura with a little shrug.

"It was the cheapest room they had."

Maura gives a reassuring smile and drops her bag on one of the beds. "It's perfectly fine. I'm just…Thank you. For doing this."

She sits on the edge of the bed, reaching out and placing her hands on Jane's hips to pull her closer. Jane steps in between her legs and looks down, smile playing on her lips. She gives a little shrug and blushes. "It's not a big deal."

Leave it to Jane to do something so amazing, so caring and down play it as if it were nothing. Maura's gaze drops to the floor and her hands fall from Jane's waist. "It _is_ a big deal. It's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. I don't…" She looks back up to Jane's face. "I have no idea how I'll ever repay you for this. Everything you do means so incredibly much to me. Thank you."

Jane drops down to kneel in front of her and places her hands on Maura's knees. "I did this because I wanted to do this for you. I did it because I knew this was something you needed and I always want to try and give you what you need. So don't thank me for doing something I wanted to do for you. Just let me be here to love you and take care of you. That's the only way I want you to repay me."

Maura reaches out and lightly runs her fingers through untamed black curls. "That's…" She takes a shaky breath as her chest tightens with all the emotions running through her. "I don't deserve you. You're wonderful."

Jane gives an embarrassed smile and then tries to deflect. "That's what they say."

Maura quietly laughs before her demeanor changes into something much more serious. She leans in close to Jane's face—looking at her eyes, her mouth, studying the features on the face she's so lucky to see every day. She drops her hand down to Jane's cheek and slowly brushes her thumb back and forth. "I love you."

An ecstatic grin quickly forms on Jane's face. She'll never tire of hearing Maura say those words. "I love you too."

Jane closes the last few remaining inches between them and presses her lips against Maura's. Slowly she rises from her knees, effectively pushing against Maura until she's flat on her back against the bed. She hovers above her, lips never separating. It's not frenzied or overwhelming.

It's unhurried, reverent. A tangible display of the love and veneration they have for each other. Jane laces both of their hands together and pins them down out by Maura's sides. Maura wraps her legs around a slim waist and Jane scoots them further up on the bed.

She takes her time cataloging every contour, every feeling of Jane's mouth against hers. Maura never wants to forget a single thing about the woman slowly pressing herself down against her. Not a single gasp or sigh or moan.

Her head lolls to the side and her eyes close as Jane moves her lips down to kiss and suck and nip against her neck. It feels great, amazing even. No one had ever taken the time to read her body and figure out what she enjoyed like Jane always seems to.

Jane's hips finally drop all the way down against Maura and she slowly starts to rock against her. Maura's legs wrap tighter around her waist and she kisses her way down to the top of Maura's exposed chest. It's only when she hears a sharp intake of breath that she stops.

They can't do this. Not tonight. Not when they're going to wake up and see things that will surely dredge up so many emotions. Doing this now and then going to do that? It wouldn't be fair to Maura. It would only make things harder on them both in the long run.

Jane finally pulls back and looks down at Maura's flushed face and hooded eyes. She wishes it was the right time for this, but it isn't. She can wait though. She'll wait forever if she has to. She presses one more light kiss to Maura's lips and then pushes herself up on her knees. "I'm, uh…I'm gonna take a shower. Unless you want it first?"

Maura slightly shakes her head and steadies her breathing. She wouldn't have been upset if this had gone any further, but she's glad it didn't. Especially on a twin bed in a hotel the night before she visited her son's grave. She's not sure if she could've handled so many conflicting emotions all at once. "No, that's fine. I took one before we left."

"Okay." Jane is up and in the bathroom with her bag before she's tempted to do anything else.

She showers slowly, giving Maura all the time she needs to do whatever she needs to do—whether mentally prepping for tomorrow or anything else. By the time she finishes and turns off the water, there's not a single sound coming from the other room. She dresses in the bathroom and brushes her teeth before stepping out. The sight that greets her almost breaks her heart.

Seeing a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal while she sleeps should be funny, laughable even. But this isn't. Not at all.

Tanner held that bear and now Maura is holding that bear. Besides pictures, it's possibly one of the only physical ties she has left to him. Every part of Jane feels like it's vibrating, burning with sadness and pain for Maura and the little boy that's no longer here. That little boy that's so much of her life now and she never even got the honor of meeting him.

There are two beds, but there's no way both of them are getting used. She crawls in the bed facing Maura—stuffed bear squished between them—and she holds her tight. _Them _tight.

She knows it's irrational to say Tanner is there. But his memory is and that bear is a physical manifestation of that. And Jane's not letting go. She'll never let either of them go.

….

….

**Longer chapter next!**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: You guys are the best. Really. **

**Sorry for the wait, college sucks. **

**And I got a review asking to bump the rating up for the last chapter. I would, but considering they only kissed…fully clothed…I don't see the point. Especially when that's something that could be seen in a PG13 movie. But I'll be sure to bump it up whenever it**_** really**_** needs to be so everyone can have a fair warning. **

…

The bright morning sun peeks through the blinds and pulls Jane awake. Maura's face is tucked only inches from Jane's chest and her still-curled hair is splayed out against the pillows and mattress, glowing golden from the light shining in upon it. She looks so peaceful and liberated from the constant memories that she carries with her every day that Jane is loath to wake her.

She watches as Maura's fingers slightly curl and uncurl in a loose fist between them as she dreams. Eyelids flickering, her lips turn up in a barely-there smile and she inches closer to Jane. Now Jane is _really_ hesitant to wake her. She at least deserves to be happy for a few more minutes.

Jane quietly slips from the bed and pulls on some slacks and a button up. Running her hand through sleep-mused curls to tame them, she looks in the mirror. This trip isn't even about her—hasn't brought up anything meaningful or painful to her—and yet it's still taken its toll. Dark circles garnish her eyes from staying up most of the night just in case Maura woke up and needed her. She never would've known otherwise; Maura would've been too polite to wake her. She's still working on getting Maura to ask for whatever she needs, but clearly there's still a long way to go.

She clenches her eyes shut in hopes that when she opens them she'll somehow look more rested.

No such luck.

She gives Maura one last look to make sure she's still sleeping as she slips out the door.

When she gets back, Maura is just starting to stir. Her hand lazily roams over the sheets searching for Jane. As soon as she realizes she's alone, her eyes pop open. She languidly smiles as she watches Jane walk over and set two small cups of coffee on the nightstand between the beds.

"I got it downstairs so it isn't very good. At least it was free I guess." She puts one knee and hand on the bed to steady herself as she bends down to kiss Maura's forehead. "Sleep good?"

Maura heavily blinks, grin still in place. "Very well. I'm glad you stayed over here with me."

Jane gives a soft grin. "Me too." She walks backward to sit on the edge of the other bed and takes a sip of the lukewarm coffee. "What are we doing today?"

Maura throws the blanket back off her legs and carefully drops the bear in one of the bags between the beds. Stifling a yawn, she sits up and swings her legs to hang off the side of the bed. "I would like to make two or three different stops…if that's alright?"

"We can do anything you want. I'm just here for _you_." Jane gives a soft grin. She wants Maura to know she really_ is_ just here for her and nothing else, that there's nowhere else she'd rather be regardless of what they do.

Maura stands up, the oversized shirt falling down to her mid-thighs. She leans down and gives Jane a kiss; a kiss that conveys so much more than any words could ever do. It's a thanks, a recognition of how she would never be able to do this without Jane at her side. Pulling back, she pushes some stray hairs away from her face. "It shouldn't take me long to get ready. Is your leg okay to walk or should we take a cab? I can pay for it."

Jane gently pats the top of her leg with a grin. "Good as new." She squeezes Maura's thigh and lightly pushes her towards the bathroom. "Stop worrying about me and go get ready. I'll still be here when you're done."

Jane watches as Maura walks off to the bathroom with her bag. She leans back against the headboard and mindless flips through the channels. It takes forever until she finds one that they actually have back in Boston and it's the shopping network. She definitely doesn't have any money left for that after this trip. She wouldn't change it for anything though.

It's not long until Maura steps out of the bathroom fully dressed. From her pea coat to the skinny jeans to her knee high boots, everything is either black or dark gray. It's like her subconscious knew that today would be no time for bright colors, a time for grieving, and drew her to the monotonous tones. Jane stands and walks to her, kissing her on the temple before opening the door for her. "You ready?"

Maura takes one last deep breath to steel herself before quickly nodding. "Yes. I…I think so." She walks to the door and turns to face Jane before stepping completely out. "You'll…?"

Jane nods and puts her hand on Maura's lower back to guide them out the door. "You won't have to do this alone. You'll never have to do anything else alone again if you don't want to because I'll be here. Every step of the way, I'll be here."

Maura grabs onto Jane's hand with no intentions of letting go. No one had _ever_ said anything like that to her before and it was…almost overwhelming. Jane had said she'd never leave, but she'd never laid it out so plainly, so clearly before. To say Maura would _never_ be alone again? It was inconceivable. She had always been left; always the one left behind with nothing. But Jane said this with so much conviction that it was hard for Maura to _not_ to believe she'd never be alone again.

They step outside the hotel and the cold wind immediately takes Jane's breath away. Maura pauses to look right and left as she tries to decide which direction would make the most sense. She finally settles on going left and gently tugs on Jane's hand to start walking.

It's freezing and the sun is barely poking out behind the clouds now, but they're in no rush. Jane makes sure to take leisurely strides so Maura doesn't have to walk any faster to keep up. She puts one hand in her pocket and holds tight to Maura's as she takes everything in. The buildings are smaller and more inviting than those of Boston, the streets and sidewalks are teeming with life but it's nowhere near as rushed and hectic as she's used to. If she looks far enough to the left she can see the open fields that encompass the outskirts of the city.

She makes sure to look both ways before letting Maura lead them across the crosswalk. Jane's eyebrows shoot up as they turn down another small street. It's like the city has been completely left behind and they've been transported to a completely different world. Houses line each side of the road and big, trees that have lost their leaves for the winter adorn the yards. The homes are small and welcoming, each almost the same as the rest but still entirely different.

They finally come to a white vinyl-sided house with a covered porch. There's a detached garage and concrete driveway, trees that would shade the yard in exactly the right spots during summer, and a worn wooden porch swing. There's a white picket fence around the backyard and a small wrought iron mailbox out front. To Jane, it looks like a place she could call home. A place she could see herself living in for the rest of her life. She doesn't even have to ask to know what this place is. It was Maura's and Tanner's and even though it isn't any longer, it still looks exactly like…Maura.

Maura bites her lip to hold it together. This was her house—no, it was so much more than that. It was her home. It was where she moved as soon as she found out she was pregnant and the place she left as soon as she no longer had her child.

It has so many memories, so many more than she can count. Tanner taking his first wobbly step to her outstretched arms in the living room. The time he said his first word as she held him in the refinished rocking chair that always helped him sleep. She can still see his sandy blonde hair stuck to his forehead and his pale skin as he ran around in a sprinkler she had bought for him on a whim. His tiny feet covered in red boots as they walked outside after it rained to stomp in puddles and look at the little worms inching across the driveway. His small legs peddling his tricycle up and down the driveway as she sat on the porch swing and watched. The way he laughed every time he went down the yellow slide in the backyard. The way he would clap his small hands every time they decided to have impromptu picnics outside under the clear blue Nebraska sky.

It's too much. Her chest is physically aching and her throat is closing in and she's trying her damnedest not to cry. She pulls on Jane's hand as signal for them to start walking again. Jane looks between her and the house and pauses. "We can go in, y'know. No one is living there and I'm a cop. We wouldn't get in any trouble if you want to go look around."

Maura wipes the lone tear that escaped and shakes her head. "No. I've…it's been almost eleven months since I've been in there. I don't need to go inside to remember it. I just…I just wanted to say a goodbye of sorts. Now that I've done that, we can go." She gives a weak nod to reassure herself. "I'm okay. We can go."

Jane takes one tentative step and briefly looks back at the house again before looking back at Maura. "Only if you're sure. You know I won't mind."

"I'm sure." The conviction in her voice surprises herself. She gives one last look at the house before she slowly starts to walk away, Jane beside her like she promised she would be. Maura tries to take a deep breath as she remembers the few times Tanner was well enough to dress up for Halloween and walked on this same sidewalk from house to house as he held her finger.

She steps a little closer to Jane and then looks up at her. "This is hard for me, but I'm so thankful to be able to do this. You're…this…thank you. That doesn't feel like enough, but for once, I can't think of anything else to say to convey how much this means to me. So, thank you."

Jane briefly looks down and squeezes her hand. "You don't need to thank me anymore. I love you; this is what I'm here for."

It's still so hard for Maura to believe that. The last time someone said they loved her, they said it to manipulate her into getting what they wanted. They let her believe it before the plunged in the knife, twisting and turning it until she was so vulnerable and so unsure of herself and love that she vowed never to believe in it like that again. She loved Tanner and he loved her, but it was familial—one could never leave the other or live without the other because they were each other's family and all each other had. But an outsider, someone who willingly decided to love her? She didn't trust that, couldn't believe it.

And then here's Jane, laying everything out on the line simply for love and nothing else. Not asking or wanting anything in return but Maura's love and companionship. She believes it—everything Jane is saying—because she feels the same way for Jane. It's just hard for her to let go of her previous misconceptions about it. She hopes she gets there one day; she hopes she can let go and truly believe this is out of the goodness of Jane's heart because deep down, she _knows_ it is. There's just a niggling thought in the back of her mind saying this is too good to be true, too perfect, and it will never last.

But hopefully Jane will be able to make that feeling completely disappear and fill it with complete, unadulterated trust. With any luck, one day sooner rather than later.

She walks Jane down streets with the parks and libraries that she often took Tanner to, not stopping more than a brief moment because she already has every detail committed to memory. She doesn't need to see them to remember them, she only stops to let Jane in on a part of her life that no longer exists.

They walk down two more side roads and past a small, quaint church before Maura finally falters and has to take a minute to calm herself. She doesn't believe in God, she's too scientific—only believes in facts. But she wasn't going to force Tanner into something she believed. So when he asked to go to church, she took him. She took him to eight different churches in eight weeks before he finally decided this one was the one he liked the most. She suspected part of it was because of the stained glass windows and children's groups, but it didn't matter. As long as he liked it and was happy, it didn't matter.

Their shoes crunch on the gravel as they make their way up to the cemetery. The trees are leafless and the grass is crunchy and brown from the coldness of December—almost a perfect reflection of how she feels. Dread and sadness and loss start to engulf her as they walk closer and closer to the right plot. She's holding on to Jane's hand and arm so tight her knuckles are white and her breath is coming in quick, short gasps.

They finally get to it and she leans against Jane's side in an attempt to keep her standing upright. The headstone is solid black granite and would reflect the light of the sun if the clouds weren't out. It was the most expensive one offered but it didn't matter, she was already in so much debt that a little more wouldn't hurt. Especially not when it came to her son. She felt like the grandeur of the stone almost made up for the lack of decorum on it.

It was just his name and the few short years of his life etched on the front. She was too broken, too shocked to think of anything else to put on it. But now there are thousands of things running through her mind that she could've added. His courage. His lust for life. The wisdom he had that was well beyond his years.

She so wishes she even could've thought to put something small on there about how much she loved him, how much he changed her and there's no way she'll ever forget him.

She slowly slides down to her knees on the grass and a deep sob is wretched from her body. Her throat is burning, it feels like her chest is collapsing in on itself. She's vaguely aware of Jane crouching down beside her, but she can't stop the tears. She's glad Jane doesn't try to reach out to comfort her; she just wants to cry. She wants to cry and let everything out as she looks at her son's grave. It's long moments before she can settle herself enough to look at Jane, gasping for breath. "This is…the last time I'll ever see this. I'll…I'll never see him again."

Jane manages to hold back her own tears and pretend that her heart isn't so heavy with emotion that she's teeming to burst as well. She reaches over and soothing rubs her hand up and down Maura's arm. "No it's not. We can come back whenever you want."

Maura's chin trembles and she shakes her head. "No. I can't. It hurts too much." She leans forward and her fingertips lightly press against the grass. "To know he's…he's under there but he's not really there? It hurts too much."

Jane scoots over and pulls Maura in to lean against her, her hand running up and down a back still shaking from sobs. "Okay. We won't come back. That's okay."

Maura looks at the gravestone as she pulls clings to Jane as tight as she can. "Does that make me a bad mother? To not want to come back?"

Jane slowly starts brushing Maura's hair away from her tear-slickened face. "No. Absolutely not. He'll always be there with you, you don't need to see his grave to know that. It doesn't make you a bad mother." She takes a deep breath to try and will away the tightness of her throat. "Tanner…he loved you. He wouldn't want you to do something that hurt you so much would he?"

She remembers the way Tanner cried for her the day she barely nicked her finger while she was cutting his grapes; the way he clung to her all day after she burnt the inside of her wrist on a curling iron. She shakes her head against Jane once again. "No," she whispers.

"See? So even though you don't see _this_ every day, it doesn't mean you've forgotten him. He might not be there," she points to the ground, "but he's always going to be in your heart. And that's where it matters. That's where it counts."

Maura can't form the words to respond. She buries her face against Jane and they sit there while she cries until she's coughing and struggling to breathe. Jane reaches up and runs her hand up and down Maura's back in an effort to soothe her. "It's okay. We can stay for as long as you want and leave whenever you're ready. I'm not going anywhere. Just let it out, I'm here. Just let it out."

It's long minutes before Maura finally calms down enough to pull back from Jane. Her nose and cheeks are flaming pink from the cold, but she doesn't want to leave yet even though she knows she should. She places both hands on the ground on top of where she knows his chest would be and drops her head. She doesn't believe in God or life after death, but a part of her hopes he can hear her say how much she loves him.

She finally pulls back and lets Jane help her stand on shaky legs. She looks down on the one last time before wiping her face and looking up at Jane. Biting her lip, she takes a trembling breath before slightly nodding her head. "I'm ready to go."

"Are you—"

"Yes." She takes Jane's hand and starts walking back towards the road. This is the last time she'll ever be here and it is the last time she'd ever see his grave, but she doesn't feel bad about it anymore. Sad, but not regretful. She loves him and it physically hurts to be without him, but he'll always be with her. Jane was right; she doesn't need to see this to know he's with her.

And even though she cried on Jane's shoulder until her whole body ached, she realizes it doesn't hurt nearly as bad as it did all those months ago. Not because she loves him less, but because she realizes he's a part of her now; her life, her history and the person she's became. Nothing will ever be able to change that. And just knowing that makes everything hurt just a little less.

Jane also taught her that some people become stronger and fight back and thrive and others are marked forever, never recover and the death becomes their identity. She doesn't want that and she knows Tanner wouldn't want that for her either. She's not moving on from him because she never could. She's just learning to live in a different way that incorporates him into her life without hurting quite so much anymore. Deep down, she knows he'd be proud of her for that. And that's all that really matters.

….

…..

**Okay, so there's that! Good, bad? Review if you want, don't if you don't. I'll try to have the next update posted by Thursday! Thanks for reading (:**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Sorry for the wait. ): This is short, but I had to break it up. The latter half just wasn't flowing. **

…

Maura rests her head against Jane's shoulder, reaching out to steal a sip of Jane's coke. They are nearly halfway home now and she is…apprehensive. She had told Jace she was leaving and would be back in a couple of days, but even though he seemed to understand…he may not have. She really doesn't want him to be upset with her; not when they were truly starting to bond.

Jane takes the cup from her hands and laughs as she looks down in it. "Thank you_ so_ much for finishing it off for me, I'm not sure if I'd have been able to all by myself."

It barely takes a moment for Maura to pick up on the sarcasm and grin. "You're _very_ welcome."

Playfully rolling her eyes, Jane takes Maura's hand in her own and turns it palm up. Her finger traces every line and crevice in Maura's soft palm and watches how her fingers slightly twitch as it starts to feel ticklish. Without looking up, she knits her brow. "You said you left Nebraska eleven months ago…where were you between then and Boston?"

She knows for a fact that she had only met Maura a little over seven months ago even though it feels like she's known her for her entire life. It's unfathomable to think of a life where Maura isn't in it anymore.

Maura sighs and Jane's eyes immediately flick up to meet her face. "I went straight to Boston, but I didn't start looking for a permanent job for the first few months. I wasn't emotionally ready for something so time consuming."

Jane nods in understanding. If she had went through something so devastating, she's not even sure that she would've been able to bounce back half as quickly as Maura did. It makes her feel even more love and admiration and pride for the woman sitting next to her. To go through so much and yet, still be able to make it through as well as she had?

It was mindboggling.

She glances over and notices Maura's eyes slowly blink close and fight to open. She has to be exhausted after all the emotions and memories their day had dredged up; the minutes upon minutes she used letting all of them out as she clung to Jane as if she was the only thing keeping her grounded.

Jane knows she should let Maura rest, but something has been bothering her since they had landed yesterday. And maybe, just maybe Maura will give her a straight answer since she's so tired.

Is that a horrible tactic to use?

Absolutely. She knows she'll feel guilty for it later.

But it's also the most likely way to figure out what the hell Maura was running from.

She laces their fingers together and gives a gentle squeeze. Maura's eyes flutter open and she gives an apologetic grin. "What made you go to Nebraska?"

Maura blinks her eyes quickly to stay awake. She frowns as she remembers everything that drove her away. "Circumstance," she replies, knowing it's vague but hoping it's enough for Jane.

It isn't.

"Oh," Jane says, not quite sure of what to make of that. "Why not Boston if you had lived there before?"

"That's the point," she barely whispers, too lost in thought. "It was too obvious."

That piques Jane's interest. She sees Maura's distraction for what it is: a way to figure out exactly what happened. She takes a shallow breath, making sure to keep her voice just as low. "What were you running from?"

Maura's mouth opens to respond, but she snaps it shut. Jane almost had her; she'll give her that. She's not just a detective because she's lucky; her interrogation skills are some of the best Maura had ever seen. She could make someone slip into a trap, guide them exactly to where she wanted the conversation to go without them even knowing.

Maura's glad that Jane cares about her enough to want to know more about her past, but she's almost pissed that Jane had done that to her. Almost.

But after all Jane had done for her, after how much they cared for each other…she couldn't stay mad if she tried. Her eyes close as the memories continue to rush in, hitting her like a ton of bricks settling down on her chest. It's too much. Incredibly too much to discuss on a plane full of strangers. Jane would just have to wait until she's ready to spill such heady news.

She licks her lips, eyes glancing back up to Jane's concerned ones. "Like I said…people. And that's all I want to say about that right now." She frowns. "I'm sorry," she adds on in a whisper.

"No, hey," Jane reassures as she clasps Maura's hand a little tighter. "There is nothing for you to be sorry about. We can talk about it when you're ready or we can never bring it up again, alright? It's up to you."

"Thank you." And she means it wholeheartedly. Jane had pried, but she had backed off—just like she knew Maura needed her to. Not many other people would've let her drop something like that so easily.

Jane assures her, tells her that she loves her and doesn't need to be thanked because that's how their relationship works. Over the next hour they talk about anything and everything: Maura's time in boarding school—that Jane had been surprised to hear about—her love of equestrian, some horror stories of Maura's residency at the hospital. She wasn't lying about her horrible bedside manner; some of the tales had Jane laughing for minutes straight.

Still grinning, Jane lifts an eyebrow. "Tell me about…I don't know. Your parents?"

Unknowingly, Jane had hit another wound. One that doesn't run as deep, but deep enough all the same. Maura shakes her head, eyes dropping to the floor. "We don't speak."

Jane gives a little nod. She's sure Angela wouldn't let Jane out of her sight if she had lost a child. Everyone reacts differently though, and she knows that. "Too hard on them?"

Uncharacteristically, Maura gives a small mirthless laugh. "Quite the opposite actually. They were relived."

Jane's mouth drops open incredulously. Surely she misunderstood. "What?"

The shock is evident in her voice, but Maura chooses not to answer. What could she possibly say? That her parents were coldhearted enough to celebrate the death of her child? That would most likely only get Jane riled up enough to confront them and she doesn't want that. Her parents aren't worth that kind of attention.

Jane lifts the armrest, pulling Maura into her side. Her hands rub up and down her back; a gesture of comfort and soothing, her own way of showing Maura that she cares. "I'm sorry."

And she is. Tanner, Maura's parents…how many things can one person possibly undergo before they break?

Maura takes a shaky breath, hand clinging to Jane's shirt. "You shouldn't be. It isn't your burden to bear."

"But you shouldn't have to bear it either," she says, voice raspy and thick as she tries to conjure even a little of what Maura has had to deal with all these years. She lightly drops a kiss to the crown of light hair before resting her cheek upon it. "No one deserves that, Maura. Especially not you."

"It's impossible to measure what someone does or does not deser—"

"No," she cuts her off. "I'm telling you right now that you deserve more than to be treated like that." She sighs, letting go when the seatbelt light starts to flash. Maura pulls back and Jane lightly cups her cheek as she looks into her eyes. How Maura can even trust her after living so long with people who didn't care about her, who lied to get what they wanted from her…she'll never know. But she'll be damned if Maura has those same insecurities when it comes to her.

"I promise I'll never treat you like that, Maura," her voice a whisper barely heard above the shuffling of everyone scrambling to put away their things. "I love you and I promise to only give you the best that I can give."

And Maura knows that. She can see it in Jane's eyes that she means every single word that she's saying. She mutters a _thank you, _full of love and fully aware that Jane told her not to do that anymore. But there are not words great enough to express what she feels, _how _she feels about this woman next to her and all she's managed to do in a short amount of time.

So until she's able to articulate something greater, something that even comes close to the way she feels…those words will have to do.

….

…

**I had troubles with this one, clearly. But the next chapter involves Jace and will be better…in a painful sort of way. **

**Thanks for reading!**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: It's been a long time, hasn't it? **

**I just now decided exactly how I wanted these next two or three chapters to go, so yay! Even though this is definitely not where I expected it to go when I started this oneshot. (:**

**I really hope this is okay. **

**Expect about 6 or 7 more chapters (maybe? I'm horrible at estimating those things) for this fic and then an epilogue. Thanks for reading!**

…

The cab comes to a stop outside of Jane's apartment and she looks down, grinning at the fact that Maura had somehow fallen asleep against her shoulder in their short ride.

"Maura," she whispers, smiling when hazel eyes finally flutter open. "You coming in? I'll order lunch if you're hungry."

Maura sits up, slightly arching her stiff back. She looks to Jane—seeing the open and loving expressions—and lightly squeezes her arm with a small smile. "I have a few things I need to do first, but I'll be back for dinner?"

"It's a date," Jane leans over, quickly pecking Maura's lips—enjoying the normality, the comfort of doing so. "Pizza or Chinese?"

"Surprise me," Maura says with a grin tugging on her lips.

Her fingers slowly trail down Jane's arm as she gets out of the car, either unwilling or unable to let go. "Thank you for—"

"Maura, what did I say about thanking me?" Jane leans in the open door of a cab with a smile as Maura lightly shrugs, bashfully grinning. "Besides, I'm glad you let me go with you."

"I wouldn't have taken anyone else."

"Good," Jane bends down, slowly kissing Maura's lips. "I love you."

"I love you too," Maura says, enjoying the way saying that short phrase makes her feel—like Jane is the light of the perpetual darkness she had been living in. She smiles, squeezing Jane's hand one last time before sliding back into the car. "I'll be back soon."

"Can't wait," Jane grins, taking both of their bags from the floorboard and then slowly shutting the cab door as she winks.

Maura watches Jane from the car window as far down the road as she can—enjoying the way wild wisps of her black hair blew around in the wind, the way she stood with both hands on her hips, and most importantly, the way Jane turned to watch the cab leave just like Maura was watching her.

After telling the driver where to take her, she sits back against the black leather seats—warm from where Jane was sitting only moments ago. The city passes by the window in a blur, and she reaches up with one finger to lightly trail across her bottom lip. It had only been mere minutes and yet, she already missed Jane immensely. Whether it was due to her negligent childhood and the losses she had suffered causing her to become overly attached, or realizing Jane was the only person she ever loved and needed—_craved_, even—she wasn't certain.

She just knows she never, _ever_ wants to be without Jane. She couldn't handle feeling this…_longing_ for any extended period of time. Yes, she's been dealt worse hands in her life, but losing Jane is not something she wants to be dealt. And of that, she _is_ certain.

They finally pull up outside of the hospital and she gets out, anxiously walking towards the elevator on shaking legs. Until now, she hadn't truly realized how much she had wanted to see Jace—the emotional turmoil of the weekend had practically clouded all of her other thoughts. It sets a spark of guilt straight through her. But, she'll see him soon.

And she didn't break her promise. She said she'd be back in two days, and it's only been two days. Things will be just as they were when she left him.

At least that's what she keeps telling herself.

She nervously spins her ring around her finger as the elevator doors finally open. The halls look the same, it_ feels_ the same—children walking down the halls, laughing and talking if they were strong enough—so why was she so damn apprehensive?

She makes her way down the hall, smiling at the children she meets along the way as much as she can in a place that brings back so many memories. Turning the corner, she stands in the doorway of the playroom. Her eyes scan every corner, every table but she doesn't see Jace or anyone that looks remotely like him.

He could be getting treated or sleeping—in which case she'd wait to see him, just like she promised—so she walks over to the nurse that she had spoken to the few times before. The nurse stands, small frown growing on her face.

Maura's brow furrows and she tilts her head. "Do you know where I might find Jace?"

The nurse flounders, sympathy instantly washing over her features as she reaches out and touches Maura's arm. "I'm sorry, but Jace…he isn't—hey, no don't do that. Don't cry," she reassures, guiding Maura to sit in a chair by the wall. "It's nothing bad."

Maura nods, struggling to calm her breathing. She wipes the corner of her eye from where it started to water and the nurse hands her a napkin. "Jace isn't here anymore—"

"What?" Her voice comes out in a strangled whisper.

The nurse sits next to her and pats her hand. "He's better now—cancer free, might I add—so they sent him home."

"Home?"

The nurse nods, smile slowly growing on her face—thinking that hearing this would make Maura feel better.

But it doesn't.

Maura can't calm her breathing now, because it feels like there's none left; like all the air has been sucked straight from her lungs. She doesn't know his last name—no one here is allowed to give it to her even if she asked—and she has no idea where or who his foster parents are.

She'll never see him again.

Never see his dimpled smile again.

Never hear his small, perfect laugh again.

Never see his big brown eyes that light up every time she's around again.

Never hear his gentle voice as he finally works up the courage to speak again.

Never put puzzles together with him for hours at a time again.

It's too much, too soon. She's lost two people—two _children_—in a year. Logically she knows Jace was never hers to keep, never hers to love.

But she loved him anyway.

In the weirdest of ways, it was if two horribly broken and devastated human beings—lives filled with sorrow and loss—had been joined to help the other heal; to understand the other like no one else ever possibly could.

And it hurts; it hurts so very badly to know that she's lost him forever. That he's lost her forever, too.

Because she would've helped him mend his emotional scars he received from so many years of being shuffled from one home to another.

She would've taught him how to trust and live without the fear of being left.

She would've _loved_ him like no one else had ever tried to love him.

And now he's gone.

She grows pale, fighting the urge to get sick as she stands on wobbly legs. The nurse calls out to her, but she briskly walks down the hall—arm against the wall for support as she makes her way to the elevator. She's not crying, no. Not yet. But her heart is pounding in her chest, her throat is tight as she tries to breathe, and her eyes are burning from unshed tears.

There was a time she turned to alcohol for this kind of pain, but not anymore.

She needs Jane and she needs her now.

Her hands and legs shake as the hold her up while she flags down a cab. She practically falls inside, willing her mind blank, staring directly at the seat in front of her and nothing else—trying to force away these feelings as long as she can.

The ride is slow, so painstakingly slow that she barely refrains from telling the driver to _hurry the fuck up._ When the cab pulls to a stop she practically throws the money at him. She bolts from the car and forces herself to make it up the stairs before breaking down.

Her hands shake as she pulls out her keys. As soon as she finds the one to Jane's apartment, she drops the whole keyring to the ground.

It's the last straw.

Frustration, anguish, heartache, sadness, emptiness. Everything fills her at once, eating her up and breaking her down until it's all she feels. The breath leaves her lungs in one exhale, the tears forcing their way out and the sobs no longer allowing her to hold them back.

Her forehead presses against the door and she's vaguely aware of her cries echoing off of it. It takes all the strength she has left to raise her arm and tap it against the door—a barely there thud is the result.

She tries again, but only cries harder when she realizes nothing is in her control—her breathing, her cries, her tears, her body. She has no choice other than to let everything out all at once.

Her hand keeps lightly tapping on the door—her body weight sagging against it until the door is pulled open and she lurches forward, unable to keep herself upright any longer.

Stunned, Jane catches her and pulls her close. She wraps her arms as tight as she can around Maura to hold her up as she half-walks, half-drags them to the couch. Maura collapses down upon her—cries uninhibited, fists clenching in Jane's shirt, tears pooling against the crook of Jane's neck.

Jane has seen her cry. Plenty of times.

But like this?

No.

Not even at the cemetery was it like this. So…out of control. Like she was watching Maura shatter into a thousand pieces in her arms. And she doesn't know if she'll ever be able to put her back together again after seeing her like this.

But she'll be damned if she doesn't try.

She wraps one arm tighter around Maura's back, the other hand pushing blonde hair away from her face as she continues to sob. "Let it out. I'm here," she reassures. She presses her cheek down against the crown of Maura's hair. "I'll always be here."

And she would be.

No matter what, she'll always be here to help Maura through this. That's a promise.

…

…

**Yes? No? Sorry for the wait! This coming up week is going to be awful, so don't expect many updates on any of my stories from me. But after Wednesday it shouldn't be as bad, so I'll update more then. **

**Thanks for reading!**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: I'm so glad you're all sticking with me. Thank you so much for the feedback. Also, I didn't proofread. Sorry. **

…**.**

It had been twelve days.

Twelve days since she had lost Jace.

Twelve days since she had snuck out of Jane's bed in the middle of the night.

Twelve days since she had spoken to Jane outside of work.

Twelve whole days.

And now things might finally start to go back to normal. Well, _her_ normal—if she can even call it that.

She reaches across her desk and takes the papers Frost is holding out towards her. "Thank you, Barry. I can't tell you how much this means to me."

He bashfully shrugs, "What kind of friend would I be if I didn't help out part of my team?"

She smiles—maybe bigger than she has in a while. Never had she been considered part of anything before. Definitely not considered anyone's friend. Not since Jane walked into her life and flipped it upside down—in the best of ways. Clearing her throat, she nods. "And thank you for not mentioning it to Jane. I know how difficult that must've been."

"Just don't tell her I did this, alright? She'll have my ass on a plate," he laughs as he walks to the door.

She waits until he's been gone for almost a minute before she shakily sits down. Her fingers tremble as they trace the edges of the white paper—stomach churning, face growing pale as she prepares to face what's on the other side. It could be nothing.

It could be exactly what she needs.

She takes a deep breath and slowly starts to turn the paper over before pausing. Her heart is pounding in her chest, whole body trembling. She's nervous—_beyond_ nervous. If this doesn't give her the information she needs, then she's back at square one with little hope of _ever_ finding it.

If Jane were here, she would encourage her to look—reassure and comfort her if it turned out to be nothing. She sighs. She never should've pushed Jane away to begin with. Not when Jane had been nothing but good to her. Had given her everything she needed. Protected her. Loved her.

Pushing her away was definitely a measly attempt of trying to protect her own heart.

And she had done it only because she had no idea if Jane would accept this...this urge to talk to a little boy she barely knew. But she trusts Jane and has to trust that Jane will support her in this. So if this paper is what in fact what she hopes it is, she's going to tell Jane. Tell Jane _everything_. Let Jane in and hope she understands. And if Jane doesn't…she'll just have to figure out to do when they get there.

Gathering herself, she closes her eyes and flips over the paper completely.

And when she finally summons enough courage to look, her head falls into her hands and her eyes burn with unshed tears.

There would be no starting back at square one.

* * *

An overly skinny, past middle-aged woman opens the door—wearing a large, baggy velour sweatsuit with her hair tossed on top of her head. _Lynn Tabernathy_. She looks Maura up and down, scowl in place. "Can I help you?"

Even Maura can pick up on the hostility in her voice. She takes a small step backwards and grips her purse tighter out of nervousness. "Does Jace Evans reside here?"

She knows he does. She read the paper over and over again until she could recite the address from memory. But there's no sense in making this woman suspicious—she'd never get to see him then. Lynn places her hand on her hip and takes a step forward to block the door even more. "What's it to ya if he does?"

Maura anxiously bites her lip under the scrutiny. "I—We met at the hospital, and I was just wondering if I could see him. I was unable to properly say goodbye to him before his departure."

She knows this is weird and completely out of left field. Not many people would do this. Not many people would find it _acceptable_ to do this. But she needs to see him, she needs to let him know that she didn't forget about him. That she wasn't just another person that walked out of his life to never think about him again. She isn't going to do that to him. No. Not even if it meant driving thirty minutes out of the city and practically begging his foster mother to let her see him. She might not have known him long, but knew him long enough to know that he needs her for so many things.

And she'll be damned if he doesn't know how much she needs him too.

Lynn scoffs and starts to shake her head. "Your kid had that crap too? Nearly used all my money 'fore I got Jace outta there."

Maura feels the anger instantly welling up inside of her. Jace and her son had cancer. A disease. Not something so easily brushed off as _that crap_. Something very serious. Not something to be laughed off and complained about for being _expensive_.

She clenches her jaw to force down her anger, to keep it from emerging and lashing out. This woman would never let her see Jace then. She nods, unable to even give a hint of a smile. "Yes. My son had cancer as well."

Eyes narrowed, Lynn tries to look around her. "Well where's he at?"

"He's, um," Maura swallows thickly, looking off to the side. "He was not as fortunate as Jace."

"Oh." Lynn seems to understand and accept that, and steps aside to let Maura in. They start to walk down the narrow, cluttered hallway—something far below Maura's standards for any child to live in. "Were they friends or something? Jace don't talk much so I hadn't heard of no little kids he played with."

Unable to lie, she falters and nearly stops walking. Lynn quickly looks over at her and she starts to flounder. "Puzzles," she finally comes up with. "Jace really liked to play with puzzles while he was in the hospital."

"Yeah," Lynn cackles, not noticing that her question went unanswered. "He's a weird bird, that one. Can't never get him to do normal stuff. Always playing with the puzzles and word books, ain't he?"

"There's nothing wrong with him enjoying those things. They can often be used as tools to increase intelligence," she refutes, eyebrows rising in defiance.

_She_ was ostracized. _She_ was the outcast. And it was always because of her pursuit of knowledge—her joy of learning. That's not something she wanted for Jace, not if she could help it. Especially not for someone who is supposed to be taking care of him and raising him. That's too much like her own life and her own mother. She hates it. Refuses to let him go through that.

"Hmph," Lynn scoffs as they get to another hallway. It's cluttered with tables and figurines and piles of clothes that may or may not be clean. "Last door on the right. He should be in there," she says before turning and walking away.

Maura opens her mouth to ask what she should do if he _isn't_ in there, but Lynn had already turned the corner towards the living room. She cautiously makes her way down the small hall to the end. The door is cracked open—not purposely, it's so battered that it's unable to close—and the white paint is flicking off in places. She places her hand upon it and closes her eyes, taking a deep breath before pushing on the door. It creaks, slowly opening as it gets caught on the stained carpet.

The small room has white walls that are adorned with scuff marks, and otherwise completely bare. On one wall is a ragged cardboard box filled with old stuffed animals and toys that only suitable for children far younger than Jace. The only other thing in the room is a metal bed frame with a mattress on the opposite wall—dingy white sheets and a blue comforter hanging off the edge.

Brow furrowing, she takes a small step inside. "Jace?"

There's shuffling and rustling and then Jace's head pops out from behind the blanket as he crawls out from under the bed. Whether he was playing or hiding, she isn't sure. Doesn't think about it at this moment. The only thing she's concerned with is finally seeing him again—hopefully getting the chance to let him know everything is going to be okay.

He totters to his feet—overly large tshirt hanging from his shoulders and pants bunching at his ankles—and looks at her with disbelieving eyes; as if in shock that she actually came back. In an attempt to not startle him, she takes small steps closer until she's right in front of him. She crouches down to eye level and sets her purse on the floor as she looks at him, smile tugging at her lips. "Hello, Jace. It's been a while, hasn't it?"

He merely blinks his big, brown eyes.

She reaches out and repositions his shirt so it's not falling off of him. "What were you doing under there?"

He looks at her before kneeling and pulling a book from under his makeshift fort. Standing, he holds it out to her. "I was seeing this," he says around the finger he's wiggled in his mouth. "Read it to me?"

She eagerly takes it, eyes brimming from joy at the fact of actually being here with him. Of being able to do this for him. Being able to show that yes, she does care. She sits on the corner of the bed—a bed that probably hasn't had the sheets changed in months, but if Jace has to sleep there then there's no way she's going to let him think it's not clean enough for _her_ to sit on—and pulls Jace onto her lap.

It's not a long book, perhaps only twenty pages. But she makes sure to read it with as much conviction and interest that she can muster for him, especially since she's almost certain no one here does this for him. By the time she finally reads about Pluto and explains why it's no longer a planet, he's leaned completely back against her and taking in every single word. She was right. Regardless of his surroundings, his lust for knowledge has made him a relatively smart and inquisitive boy.

When she shuts the book, he finally turns—eyes scanning her face as if to memorize every single detail. He finally looks down, busying himself with the book. "You said two days," his lip trembles as he looks back up to her, "You said two days for you to come back. It's been more than two of them."

She pulls him back against her, her fingers pushing his matted hair away from his face. She knows exactly how long it's been. Nearly hates herself for breaking that promise to him. He doesn't need anyone else abusing his naïve trust. She's makes it a point, at that very moment, to never do it again.

She nods her cheek against the top of his head as he cries, blinking back tears of her own. "I know. But I'll always come back, okay? It may take a while, but I'll always come back."

That's one promise she hopes she'll never have to break.

…

As soon as she gets home, she texts Jane and asks her to come over. Jane replies with more enthusiasm than Maura thinks is warranted—especially since she had actively been ignoring Jane for nearly two weeks—and gets there less than an hour later.

She opens the door to Jane standing there on the porch with snow in her black hair and a shy grin on her face as she shifts from foot to foot. The inner turmoil is written plainly on Jane's face—unable to decide what is and isn't appropriate to do. They had kissed many, many times before… but now? After this rift? Jane doesn't want to push too much, too soon. Doesn't want to do anything Maura isn't comfortable with. And Maura can tell that's exactly what's bothering her.

"Jane," Maura greets, stepping to the side for Jane to come in. "I'm glad you could make it. I know it was rather short notice, but…we need to talk."

Jane's stomach drops. Shakily nodding her head, she follows Maura into the kitchen. "Yeah, I figured as much."

The anticipation and defeat is evident in Jane's voice. As Maura starts to make the coffee—knowing how much the warmth helped sooth Jane's hands in the cold weather—she looks over to Jane standing by her side.

"No, it's nothing like that. It's just…" Instead of finishing, she holds the cup out to Jane, smiling as she sees Jane's face relax almost the instant the warm cup is in her hand.

She watches Jane take sip after sip, taking deep breaths to calm herself as she tries to find a way to ease into this. Busying herself with making herself a cup of coffee, she clears her throat. "I'm moving to a larger apartment next week," she shakily utters without looking up at Jane.

Maybe Maura had just been busy looking for a new place to live. Maybe things weren't as rocky as they had seemed. Jane leans back against the counter and gives a small smile. "Bass feeling a little caged in?"

"No." She slowly turns to Jane and anxiously licks her lips. Heart pounding in her chest, hands clammy, she exhales slowly through her nose to steel herself against Jane's potential responses. "I'm trying to adopt."

Confused, shocked, and everything between, Jane's face falls and she stands up straight and one eyebrow quirks up. "Like….like a dog or something animal-ish, right?"

Maura's heart starts pounding harder in her chest. She's sure she's about to get sick. "Scientifically speaking….you_ could_ categorize him as a mammal."

"Him?" Jane sets her mug down and starts pacing back and forth across the small kitchen. She looks up, a mix of terror and shock on her face. "Him? Like a boy _him_? Or like a pet _him_?" She shakes her head and stops a few feet in front of Maura. "Please tell me it's a pet him."

Maura shakes her head. "No," her voice raspy from fighting the increasing tightness of her throat, "No it's a child."

Jane pinches the bridge of her nose and drops her head. Maura stands stock-still as the heavy silence shrouds them. Maybe it won't be as bad as she's imagining. Jane loves her. Jane promised to always stay. This can't go bad. No. She refuses to even think about how badly this might go.

But then Jane finally looks up and Maura's heart sinks. She knows that look. She's seen it too many times. It's the look of being left.

"Jane, you have to understand—"

"No, Maura, _you_ have to understand. You can't just drop this on someone you're dating like that." Jane shakes her head and looks back down. Were they even still dating? It doesn't matter. She still loves Maura and being left out of something this big hurts. Absolutely hurts. "You didn't even trust me enough to tell me you _thinking_ about it. You waited until you had already started trying."

Jaw clenching, Jane takes a step closer and shrugs—one hand turning palm-up towards Maura. "Do you know how that makes me feel?"

Maura stands in silence wringing her hands. She doesn't know what to say to smooth any of this over. Jane is right. She never should've kept this a secret. Jane must feel betrayed and hurt and…everything Maura had never wanted her to feel. She looks down and away, angry and disappointed with herself. Ashamed. Definitely ashamed.

Jane's eyebrows incredulously shoot up at the lack of response and she takes a step back as she points over her shoulder. "I'm gonna go. I'll call you later or something."

Terrified that the only person who she's ever been in love with and loved her back—ever trusted and absolutely _needed_—is about to walk out on her, she takes a step forward and finally manages to find her voice. "So you wanted to be with me when I had a deceased child, but not a live one?"

That's definitely not what she was expecting to say. She instantly claps her hand over her mouth, hoping that somehow the words will impossibly cease to exist. Tears burn her eyes as a few escape and roll down her cheeks.

Jane scoffs, angry and sad that Maura would even think that about her—would even think she's that kind of person. "_What_? Jesus, Maura. It's not like that. It's just…It's a lot to process. You have to give me a little time."

And even though Maura is crying and she wants so badly just to stay and make this okay—or at least help Maura _feel_ a little more okay—she turns and walks out the door into the freezing cold night. And Maura has no idea if she's ever going to come back.

….

…

**I know this is a little vague and perhaps a little **_**whoa, too soon**_** but I fully intend on explaining more in the next few chapters. Also, I've been waiting to write the next chapter since the very beginning of this and I hope you're excited for it! (: Thanks for reading, as always. **


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: I know some of you think this is the miraculous beginning of a light at the end of the tunnel, but don't get your hopes up just yet. **

**Sorry for the taking so long!**

…**.**

The minutes tick by slowly. One after another after another, and she still can't will herself to move away from where she was standing when Jane had walked out the door.

She's always been bad with relationships due to lack of experience in them, she knows that, but even she knows she could've handled the situation insurmountably better. But what she _doesn't_ know is if she should go out and find Jane, call Jane and tell her _everything _and not just a horribly shocking abridged version, or let Jane have the space to think like she had asked for.

These moments—the one where she's left alone and confused, are the ones where she loathes her inability to read people. The majority of the time she's able to slide by with only a tad bit of awkwardness or misunderstanding, a few weird glances directed towards her.

But when it's with those closest to her?

That's when she wishes she were just a little bit more normal, just a little bit more relatable. It would be so much easier for her to get out what she truly means.

And maybe Jane wouldn't have walked out that door.

She rubs the tear tracks from her face and shakily walks to the sink to wash Jane's coffee mug. It gives her something else to focus on than the other thoughts that would otherwise be overwhelming her, consuming her completely.

Taking deep breaths to calm herself, she dries it and sets it in the same place Jane's mug always resides before looking around the room—wondering what she should possibly do next. Her phone is on the counter, her keys are on the table. It would be so _easy _ for her to call Jane or go find Jane, but she doesn't want to push Jane into anything, doesn't want to be too needy or ask any more of Jane since she's already asked for so much.

Making up her mind to wait, she grabs her phone to keep it close and walks to the living room to watch one of the movies Jane had off-handedly mentioned would be on today. It's something she never would have picked for herself and can't even remember what the exact name is, but it's just mindless and pointless enough to take her mind off everything else and she finds herself, somehow, quietly laughing to herself halfway through it.

Towards the end, right as the minor conflict was to be resolved, there's a knock on her door. It starts quietly at first and then quickly gets loud, more insistent. She doesn't even have to check to know who it is.

Her heart speeds up as she pulls the blanket off her legs and starts to walk towards the door. She doesn't know what to expect, but she hopes that maybe, just_ maybe_ it won't go as badly as before. But if it does…this is her fault and she knows that. And she'll try her best to fix it.

She opens her door to Jane—snow stuck in her hair, hands curled into cold and painful fists, eyes nearly as puffy as Maura knows her own are. "Jane, I—"

"There isn't one person in this world that I want more than I want you, Maura," Jane interrupts, stepping forward and tangling her hand in Maura's hair to pull her close. Their lips brush and then Jane's kiss is consuming her as Jane pushes her back through the door and into the house. It's possessive and uninhibited and yet, still conveys gentleness and love all at once.

It's perfect.

It's everything.

Jane finally pulls back, their foreheads pressed together and her dark eyes scanning Maura's own. "But I don't understand, Maura. You have to help me understand."

"Okay," she whispers, slightly nodding as she releases a shaky breath. "Okay."

Leading them to the couch, she sits and regretfully notes how Jane sits on the opposite end—not close enough to touch, posture slouched but rigid. Jane pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs before looking up, softness written on her face. "So…is this about our trip? Did it—"

"No." Because it isn't. It has nothing to do with Tanner, with going to their old home. This is a different issue entirely.

"Okay…" Jane trails off, waiting for the explanation.

She thinks only for a moment before deciding to start at the very beginning. "I met Jace—"

"Jace?"

She reaches out to touch Jane's hand—to reassure her, before pulling back last second. Unsure if Jane even wants to touch her despite the kiss they had just shared. "He's a little boy I met while you were in the hospital."

"And this is the kid you want to adopt?"

Maura swallows harshly, looks at the TV and then looks back. "I didn't even think about adopting him until I saw him this morning. It was…I don't know. I don't even know what I was thinking. It was like I thought I could just go see him every day and just…talk to him. But when we came back and he wasn't at the hospital, it hit me at once that I may never see him again and that was…terrifying," her voice drops, remembering his tiny dirty room and the way he had looked up at her. "Especially when I saw where he is living. It's…filthy. Definitely not up to par for a child so young. Or any child for that matter."

She brings her focus back to Jane, notices that Jane has scooted closer and is reaching out to take her hand. Maura eagerly lets her, grounded and comforted by the strong, warm fingers gripping her own—giving her enough strength to continue. "After I saw that, I called a few agencies and looked for a larger apartment. I haven't done anything more than that yet because I was…I wanted to tell you first. That was a horrible way to let you know though, wasn't it?"

Jane attempts a smile, squeezes her hand. "Yeah. It was, uh, a little shocking."

"I'm…I'm not very good at friendships or relationships, but I've been trying. And this…I'm sorry I didn't try hard enough for you about this," she whispers, looking down. Unwilling to let Jane see the tears in her eyes—the tears that seemed like they were permanently there these days.

Jane starts to protest, but she cuts her off. She has to get this all off her chest, she had promised to help Jane understand.

"He's just," she takes a deep breath, "He's just so alone. And when I look at him, I see so much of myself as a child. Alone and scared…and he's exactly like myself. If I had only had someone there for me, maybe I would be different. Maybe I would be better and good enough. Maybe I wouldn't be the one that's always being left."

"Maura, you're go—"

"I don't want that for him," she rasps, her voice thick as she finally looks up to meet Jane's eyes. "But not at the cost of losing you, Jane. I don't know if that means I'm not ready for him, or…but I would choose you."

"Mau—"

"He is at a good age and is smart and finally well, so he has a good chance of being adopted by someone now, even though I would prefer it to be me," she scoots closer to Jane, their thighs flush together. "But I would choose you, Jane. If you wholeheartedly disagree with this, I would choose you. I love you. And I am sorry I've—"

"Maura, listen to me," Jane finally breaks in, her voice rising only enough to be heard. "Don't cry, alright? Just…take a deep breath. Relax. I'm right here."

She nods and Jane reaches up with her free hand to wipe away the few lone tears that had fallen. "Yeah, I'm mad at you because you didn't feel like you could trust me. But I don't hate you. You are good enough and I'm not going to leave you."

"You're not?"

"No. But you can't shut me out like that again, Maura. You can't do that, this is…we are _together._ You and me. That means you have to let me in, you have to tell me what's going on so I can help you. So you don't blindside me and knock me off my feet, alright?" She nods, holding back a fresh wave from the gentleness of Jane's thumb stroking her cheek. "I know I can't fix all of your problems, so I won't say that I can. But I _can _promise you won't have to face them alone."

"I won't. I promise I won't. I was confused and scared of what you would think and," she sniffs, wills herself to stop talking so quickly. "I'm so sorry, Jane. I never meant to be so selfish and hurt you like that. But I meant what I said. I would choose you. If you are comple—"

"I'm not going to make you choose, Maura."

She pauses, mouth open as she thinks of all the things that sentence could mean. "What?"

Jane clenches her jaw, thinking of ways to word this. There's a long, silent beat. A pause before she figures it out. "The way I see it," she starts, "If I would've met you when Tanner was still…I would've still fallen in love with you, Maura. Premade family and all. So it's not that I'm against kids. Yeah, it's scary as hell when you think about all the things that could go wrong, but I don't hate them or anything. I just wasn't expecting _this_. At all."

"I'm so sorry for dumping it on you like that, Jane," she says, meaning it with everything in her being. "I should've thought it out more and tried to fully explain it to you. It's just…overwhelming. I was overwhelmed just thinking about it as well."

"I know," Jane reassures, knowing that Maura has trouble softening the blow when it comes to big issues. "And this isn't going to be settled in a night, ya know? We still have a lot to discuss and figure out. But I'm a detective. It's my job to figure things out," Jane laughs, trying to lightly deflect, lighten the mood before she goes back to serious. "And we've got time? To talk about all of this?"

Maura squeezes her hand in reassurance, to sooth herself as well. "Yes. The chances of a single parent who has already lost a child being granted an adoption? Slim to none, even if they do find me fit to do so," and she can't help the tightening of her throat or the way she quickly has to glance away from Jane's eyes that can read her pain so well. "So yes, we have time. A lot of time."

"Okay." Jane scans her face before leaning over to lightly kiss her lips. "I love you, and we'll figure something out."

She doesn't respond—thinking about how she almost lost the chance to hear those three words every day—and Jane misreads it as Maura needing space to think, as her cue to leave. Jane stands, leaving one more kiss to her forehead before turning away towards to door.

But she doesn't want Jane to leave—knows _Jane_ doesn't want to leave—so she quickly stands, reaching out to grab Jane's hand so she faces her once again. Her eyes lock with dark brown ones, both sets pleading and filled with want and need and love and…_everything_. And she can't stand to think about not being able to look in those eyes every day, not being with Jane every day. "Stay? If you want to, please stay."

…..

**Not how I saw this chapter going, but oh well. Again, all is not resolved. Delicate issue=Jane is trying to handle it delicately. At first. **

**Reviews greatly appreciated as I get more and more concerned with how this is being received by you all. Thanks for reading!**


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: Thanks for all the feedback! It really did reassure me that this is still okay. **

…

Her cold, nearly numb fingers fumble with her keys, trying one after another until the door is finally yanked open to show a disheveled Angela in her signature red and green Christmas pajamas. She gives a sympathetic shrug and Angela looks around her, eyes squinting to focus in the dark. "Where's Maura?"

Jane shrugs as she slips into the warm house to head towards the kitchen. "It's almost four in the morning, Ma. I'd say she's asleep," she snaps, really not meaning to come off so harsh.

Sighing heavily, she pops off the lid of one of the last beers in the fridge and takes a big drink—Angela sleepily raising an eyebrow. "It' a little early for that, isn't it?"

"Not when you've been awake all night like I have," she says, still too wound up to even be tired. She takes another sip and then sets the bottle on the counter, slightly embarrassed as she looks up to the face of her concerned mother. "You think we can, uh, talk or something?"

It wasn't often that Jane asked for her mother's advice. And it was even rarer that she would do so at such an odd hour, so spur of the moment. Angela decides not to make a big deal out of—not become too excited at Jane letting her in—and simply nods as she leads them to the couch.

They sit—Jane worrying at her hands as she thinks of what to say, and Angela beside her simply waiting. And it's long moments, moments that Jane seriously contemplates leaving and pretending it was nothing before she finally swallows thickly and decides to buck up.

"Maura wants to adopt a kid," she says, still not looking up from her hands. "She didn't even talk to me about it first. She just kind of dumped it on me tonight and I don't know what to do."

Angela pushes down her excitement at maybe, possibly getting her first grandchild—because that's how she would treat the child, and no one could stop her from doing so—and tilts her head, accusation heavy in her voice. "You didn't run out on her, did you?"

Let it never be said that Angela didn't know how her children reacted to things. Finally looking up, she raise her eyebrows. "I came back! And then I left again," she adds on with a mumble, remembering how defeated Maura looked when she said she couldn't stay.

Angela reaches over, lightly patting her knee. "Jane…"

"I know, I know. But at least I was honest with her. That counts for something, right?"

Angela says nothing for once, giving Jane the chance to keep going. Get all this off her chest.

Jane sinks back in the couch cushions and rubs one hand on her face with a low groan. "I've been up all night thinking about everything and I'm just so…I don't know. She should've trusted me. I want her to trust me."

And she knows how hard it was for her to trust people after Hoyt, how she thought everyone had a secret and was out to get her. No one close to her had even died and it still had messed her up, weighed her down for the longest time until finally, one day, she realized not everyone was so bad. It took time—quite a lot of it—and what Maura went through was worse, immensely worse. So it would take her longer to realize she wasn't always going to get left—that even though Jane may leave for a few hours, it didn't mean she was leaving forever.

But regardless of knowing that, of knowing that Maura still had a lot of healing left to do, it stung at how little Maura had trusted her with something so…huge. Something that would change both of their lives.

She rubs her eyes, pushing until she sees white dots in an attempt to keep the tears from coming. There's no way she's about to break down in the middle of the night on her mother's couch. She finally drops her hands down to her lap and rapidly blinks away any evidence of her near crying.

Angela waits a beat before clearing her throat to finally talk. "Are you upset because you're scared?"

"What?" Jane asks, incredulously, as her face turns to look at her mother. But then she looks back to the ceiling and shrugs. "Yeah. I guess I am. At least with Tanner, I would've known what I was getting in to. This…this is just a huge surprise."

"Like accidentally getting your girlfriend pregnant?"

"Ma!" Jane scrunches up her nose, groaning. Leave it to her mother to break an utterly serious moment.

"Sorry," Angela says, giving a small grimace.

Jane sighs. "I just don't know what to do."

"You talk to her about it. You keep taking to her about it and you work it out."

It sounds so simple when it's put like that, too simple. She shakes her head. "I don't know what to say, Ma! I mean," she exhales, sitting up to rest her elbows on her knees. "I'm okay with this. I don't know why, but when I left to think about everything, I was just sitting my car and…I could see it. Me and her and that little boy. The white picket fence and baseball games and…I could see it."

Angela sits up, running her hand slowly down Jane's back in an effort to soothe her in a way that had always worked when Jane was younger. "It's scary realizing you want something you never thought you would, isn't it?"

She nods.

"After your father left," Angela starts, "it took me months to get back on my feet. Know why?"

She looks over her shoulder, shakes her head.

"For the first time in my life, I wanted a job. I wanted to be independent. And I was afraid I would be bad at it. I didn't want to fail at something I wanted. No one does."

She leans into her mother's touch, taking the smallest moment to just let herself be comforted. "I just…I know she'll be good at it. She'll be just as good of a mother to this kid as she was to Tanner. But what about me? I'm not motherly," she says, rubbing at her hands again. "I don't even know how it's going to work. We aren't even married."

"Do you want to marry her?"

She nods, because she truly does. Wants the wedding, wants the family. She wants it all. "Yeah. Not today or anything, but someday. When we're ready."

Angela really tries not to smile, tries not to start making the guest list in her head already upon hearing that her only daughter is finally thinking about settling down. "Does Maura know that?"

"Yeah, I think so," Jane says, taking a sip of the nearly warm beer from the coffee table. "She knows I'm in this for the long run."

"So this is about both of you, Janie. She doesn't want to do this alone, she wants you to be honest with her and tell her what _you_ want too," Angela reassures, giving her daughter one last gentle pat on the back. "And you'll be a great mother. Any child would be lucky to have a mom that's so protective and loving and puts 100 percent into all that she does."

Jane finally smiles, not a huge one, but a smile of thanks—a smile that means she's really and truly happy that her mother sees that in her. Angela pulls her in for a quick hug—and she doesn't even complain—before pushing her daughter away. "Now get out of here and don't come back until you're supposed to be here. I need my beauty sleep."

She laughs at that and stands from the couch, her eyes softening as she looks down to Angela. "Thanks, Ma."

"Anytime, baby. And I promise," she pretends to zip her lips, "This little chat will stay between us."

Jane nearly rolls her eyes. The chances of this _little chat_ staying between them is slim to none. Especially with how much her mother tries to one up Carla Tulucci all the time.

After saying goodbye, she walks outside and the freezing cold air whips around her hair, her feet crunching in the snow as she walks to the car. She doesn't even have to wait until the car warms up before she decides where she needs to go.

* * *

She fumbles through the darkness of the hall, pulling off her wet boots and coat as she goes. Her steps are cautious—not wanting to trip over Bass who may or may be hiding out somewhere—as she finally makes it to the bedroom.

Maura's lying there—curled on her side in a loose shirt, hair messily splayed around her, and eyes even puffier than they were before. Her heart clenches, wishing she would've stayed when Maura had asked her too. Maybe neither of them would've felt so alone or cried through the night.

She pulls off her pants—draping them on a nearby chair so the damp legs aren't dragging the floor—and climbs into the warm and soft bed, made even warmer as she scoots closer to Maura and the heat from their bodies start to intertwine. Taking only a moment to look at the other woman, she reaches out and runs her finger down Maura's jaw, her nose, her eyebrow, until hazel eyes sleepily blink open and look at her in confusion.

"Jane?"

"Yeah," she says, pulling Maura close and intermingling their legs, "It's me."

Still not fully awake, her brow knits. "Bu—What are you doing here?"

"I missed you." Jane's fingers dip lightly under the hem of Maura's shirt, gently tracing the soft and warm skin. "And no one should wake up alone on Christmas."

"It's not Christmas," Maura says, clearly confused about so many things as she starts to sit up.

"Yeah it is," Jane replies, lightly laughing at seeing Maura so perplexed. She pulls Maura closer to hold her tight, to reassure her. "But we've still got a few more hours until we have to be up. Go back to sleep."

Maura goes to protest, but Jane's arms feel so good—so perfect, so _right_ wrapped around her and Jane smells so good, smells just like…_home_, that she doesn't. She scoots closer, burying her face in Jane's neck—lightly kissing it.

"I love you," she mumbles, the noise muffled as the dregs of sleep already start pulling her back under.

Leaning down, Jane kisses the crown of her hair. There would be more to talk about, definitely more to discuss in the morning. But here, right at this very moment, she's content just to _be_. Just to sleep next to the one person she loves most.

…

**Thoughts?**

**Thanks for reading!**


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: Thank you for all the lovely reviews, I hope you enjoy (: **

…**..**

She slowly stirs as the sun peeks through the blinds and pulls her awake. Momentarily caught off-guard by the arms wrapped around her, her body goes rigid until she remembers just whose arms those are. Relaxing once again, she scoots closer into the crook of Jane's neck and inhales deeply—breathing in the scent, taking the in the comfort of just _being_ with Jane.

She lightly kisses Jane's neck and then again, and again until there's a small groan. "Maura," Jane half whispers, half whines. "It's early."

"But it's Christmas," she replies, pulling back slightly to look at Jane's still relaxed face. "I really can't believe I forgot."

"Not your fault." Jane slowly blinks open her eyes and gives a small shrug. "We didn't even have time to put up a tree this year."

And that was true. With work and the visit to Nebraska—and the almost two weeks Maura had pushed herself away from everyone—they really hadn't had the time to even get in the Christmas spirit, much less put up a tree.

"That's okay," she says, reaching out to softly trace the contours of Jane's cheek with her fingers. Mornings with Jane are some of her favorite things. Jane was relaxed, unguarded, and almost-vulnerable—things that Jane rarely ever let show at any other time. "We're still going to your mother's later, aren't we?"

"Yeah," Jane replies, "but I'm sure we can still get a tree if you want one. I think I even have a box of old lights and stuff at my place."

….

She pulls out the colored lights from the package—Tanner refusing to let her buy the white ones this year—and sets them on her son's lap so he can attempt to untangle them. The tree is green and as tall as she and, unfortunately, in four pieces scattered around the living room floor.

The live one last year had made Tanner's nose run and eyes water to the point of him nearly being miserable, and she didn't want that for him this year—not now that he was nearly four and could really, _truly_ enjoy the holiday and all the traditions that came along with it.

Tanner watches as she quickly puts it together and begins to pull apart the branches to cover up any gaping holes, and drops the cord of lights—that are now more tangled than before—to help her.

"Mama," he says as he walks up to stand next to her, "Can we get a little tree next year?"

"Little?" She looks down, smiling at the little corduroy pants and reindeer sweater he still had on from taking pictures earlier that day. "Why do you want a little tree?"

He frowns as he reaches up above his head to pull apart two of the fake branches. "I can't reach like you can."

"I can see how that would be frustrating," she concedes, still smiling as she picks him up and rests him on her hip. "Is that better?"

"Yeah," he smiles, reaching out to help her with the upper branches. "Will Santa bring me a bike this year?"

Biting her lip, she tries to think of an appropriate response. It was only last year that he had come home from daycare after watching a movie about Santa and started making out his 'list' on the drive home. He had been too excited to for her to refute it and, even now, she tries to say nothing that will make her son question Santa's existence without actually having to lie.

Since becoming a mother, she certainly has developed a knack for evading the truth without actually lying—something that definitely works in her favor when it comes to things such as this.

"Getting a bike this year is certainly a possibility," she settles on as she shifts him slightly on her hip, "You have been a_ very_ sweet boy this year."

"Maybe you'll get a bike too, Mama. We can play with them together," he says, beaming up at her as she sets him back on the floor.

"Maybe," she smiles, watching as he tugs his sweater back down into place.

He runs to the couch and grabs the lights and brings them back to her. She can't help but laugh as she holds the incredibly-twisted strands in front of her.

His tiny fingers trying to mimic her own as she weaves the strands in and out, in and out until they are completely unraveled and ready. They light the tree together—him passing the strands to her and she passing them back to him as they put the strands around the bottom of the tree, and she holds him as they circle the top of the tree again and again until it's covered.

"How does it look?"

"We still have to put the balls on it, Mama," he replies, climbing down from her hip to dig through the ornament box on the floor. "And this one I made for you," he says as he holds up the tiny ornament he had made from popsicle sticks last week, "We can't forget it."

And once the tree is completely up—star on top and red baubles adorning every branch—that popsicle stick ornament is hung front and center for the first and last time of Tanner's short life.

…..

She studies Jane's face. Memories of the last time she had put up a tree with her son are flooding her mind, but she _does_ want to do this. Wants to do this with Jane to make new memories, and also to remember those memories she and Tanner had made two years ago—in somewhat of a remembrance.

A way of embracing those memories instead of shying away from them. A way of healing—connecting her past with her present in a beneficial and healthy way with Jane by her side.

"But we don't have to," Jane says to break the long silence.

Maura leans up, kissing Jane softly on the lips. "I…I think I'd like to."

After nearly digging through her closet for half an hour and making sure Jane had finally drank enough coffee to wake her up, they drove all around Boston to find a tree. They ended up with the last one on the lot—barely four foot tall and the branches were so thin that gaping holes shown throughout.

"Wow," Jane laughs as she sets the sad excuse in the corner of her apartment, "If it was any worse, it could pass off as the tree from Charlie Brown." At Maura's blank look, she waves her hand in the air as she turns to the tattered box she had pulled from her closet. "Never mind."

Maura reaches out, lightly touching the top of the tree—realizing that Tanner, if he were still here, would probably be tall enough to reach the top of this one. And for the first time in a long time, she finds herself smiling at the thought of him instead of tearing up. "I think it's perfect."

"Really?"

"Yes," Maura replies, taking the strand of lights with gaudy, mismatched bulbs that Jane holds out. "It has character. Much like you and I."

Jane looks at the leaning, misshapen tree and thinks about her own unusual past; thinks of all that Maura's went through. And she gets it. Grinning, she looks up at Maura as they pass the lights back and forth to cover the bare spots. "Yeah, I guess it does."

They hang the ornaments—some from Jane's childhood, other sparkly ones from the dollar store down the road she had picked up to replace the ones that had broken over the years—and finally take a step back to look at it.

It looks nothing like before. Even with the cheap and mismatched decorations, it looks better than all the ones Jane had done by herself to appease her mother over the years.

Maura gently pulls a small bundle from her coat pocket and tentatively glances over to Jane. "May I?"

"Of course," Jane shrugs, softly smiling.

Her fingers work at the paper, tenderly pulling it away until she's left with the popsicle ornament her son had made. She hangs it on the very top of the tree in place of the star they had forgotten with the words _Merry Christmas, Mama—_misspelled and shakily written due to his young age—facing forward.

"Is that okay?" she asks, glancing over her shoulder to Jane.

"Yeah," Jane responds, whispering to hide the tremor in her own voice. "_Now_ it's perfect."

"Mmm," Maura hums as Jane wraps her arms around her waist from behind, lightly kissing right below Maura's ear. "I love you."

Jane's chest feels like it clenches with all the love she has for Maura, all that she feels for her that she's never felt for anyone else. "I love you, too," she gently tightens her grip around Maura's waist, "But we were supposed to be at Ma's thirty minutes ago."

"So we have to go before she sends out a search party?"

Jane laughs, kisses her cheek as she pulls back. "Something like that."

…..

Nearly an hour late, they finally walk inside and find everyone already sitting on the couch waiting on them. Angela looks up from her spot next to Tommy, eyebrow raised. "Well there you are! How many times have I told you to answer the phone? You nearly worried me to death!"

Jane scoffs, sweeping her arms towards the table covered in half-empty dishes. "So worried that you just _couldn't_ wait to eat without us?"

"It was getting cold," Angela retorts as if that answers everything, and then points to the empty seat on the couch. "C'mon, don't make us wait to open the gifts, too, girls."

"Alright, alright," Jane acquiesces as she pulls Maura over to sit in the narrow spot by Frankie and the arm of the couch.

Their thighs are pressed tightly together, Jane's arm draped around Maura's shoulders to pull her close. She watches as Angela hands out the first gift to everyone, her eyebrows knitting as she, too, is handed one. "I don't…" she trails off, turning the neatly wrapped box in her hands.

"What?" Jane asks, tenderly squeezing her shoulder. "You didn't think I was going to drag you over here for nothing, did you?"

And Maura gives her a look that says _yes_, she really _wasn't _anticipating a gift. Jane playfully rolls her eyes—despite how horrible she feels that Maura still never really expects things from those closest to her—and leans over towards her. "I even have another gift for you at home," she says, wagging her eyebrows.

Maura lightly laughs, gently squeezing Jane's knee. "I have something for you, too."

"Can't wait," Jane whispers before pulling back her mother walks back to the middle of the room.

"Okay," Angela starts, "Maura first!"

She looks around the room, a slight blush rising in her cheeks. Not even as a child did she receive so much attention at Christmas. Jane laughs, bumping their shoulders together. "One person at a time, that's the rule."

Not wanting to refute with family traditions—traditions that she's so thankful to be a part of—her fingers nimbly start to work at the seams of the paper. And when she opens it, she can't help but gasp; can't help the way her throat constricts.

Because there lies an enlarged copy of the photo on her refrigerator of Tanner and herself at the zoo—set in a frame that matches the ones that hang on the _family wall_ of Angela's living room. She looks up with watery eyes and Angela clasps her hands together, smiling as she fights tears herself.

"He may not be here with us, Maura, but he's still part of our family," Angela starts with a wavering voice, pointing to the spot on the wall that had been cleared out just for this picture to be hanged, "Just like you are part of this family."

She's abruptly pulled up and into a hug by Angela, and although she's not usually one for such displays besides with Jane, she doesn't fight it. Just sinks into the maternal, loving warmth of it as those tears from earlier silently fall.

"You're my daughter now, too," Angela shakily whispers into her ear, "Don't ever forget that."

…..

**Thanks for reading! Reviews are welcomed if you have the time, simply because I like reading the responses! **


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: It's been a while, hasn't it? My great aunt passed away a little over a month ago from breast cancer and even though we weren't close, it really puts perspective into how cancer really changes a person's life and entire family. I want to do this story justice, so I wait until I'm in the right mindset to write it. Thank you so much for being patient with me. It means the world. **

**This chapter is bumped up to an 'M' rating, but I don't think I'm going to change the rating of the entire fic until everyone gets the memo. **

* * *

"It's not much," Maura says, holding out the small golden package to Jane beside her on the couch. "Actually, it's more practical than anything. I just didn't know what to get the—"

"_Maura_," Jane laughs, interrupting the rambling. "I bet it's great."

She holds her breath as Jane's fingers nimbly work on her immaculately wrapped present. The lid is removed, and her eyes scan Jane's face for any sign of…_anything_ as Jane's fingers run over the face.

"Do you like it?"

Jane turns the silver watch over, and her thumb grazes the inscription on the back.

_I love you all the time. –Maura. _

There's no immediate answer, and she has to swallow thickly to keep from jumping to conclusions. "I know it's a horrible pun, but I mean it Jane. I love you all the time. When I'm upset, when I pull away from you, when you're grumpy, when you won't get out of bed on time…my love for you doesn't wane. I hope you und—"

She's cut off by the touch of Jane's lips against her own. It's short and soft, but the point comes across quite clearly. _I love you all the time, too._ Jane pulls back slightly, a grin tugging on her lips. "It's perfect. Help me?"

Once the watch is secured around Jane's wrist, Jane procures a tiny gift bag from under their tree and hands it to her. Every edge is taped shut, and it's so _Jane_ that she can't help but smile as she tries to open it.

Jane watches her struggle with rapt attention. "It's dumb now that I think about it."

"No, it's—" she finally manages to open it, and looks down at the contents with a wrinkled brow.

"It's okay if you don't want it or don't think it's enough or…I don't know. It seemed like a good idea last week," Jane finishes with a nervous laugh.

She finally looks up, head tilted. "Why…?"

"I wanted to give you a key. Officially. So you know you're always welcome," Jane explains, pulling the key to her own apartment out of the bag. "I trust you enough to be there even when I'm not, and I'm okay if you drop by when I'm singing to myself in the shower—as embarrassing as that is. I don't have anything to hide, and well…I thought this would be a good way to show that."

Taking the key, she closes her fist around it. Her eyes involuntarily water as she looks up to Jane, grinning widely. "You make me so happy, Jane. With you, I am _so _happy."

Then she's leaning over and kissing Jane, fiercely but softly. Trying to drive every ounce of desire and want and thanks into that one simple gesture. And though they've kissed numerous times, it never ceases to feel like she's finally coming home after years of being lost.

Jane eases her down until she's leaning back against a pillow on the arm of the couch, and Jane hovering slightly above her. Above her and all around her. Kissing her softly and adamantly and more lovingly than anything she's ever experienced in her entire life.

They're on the edge of something else. Something new. Something _more._

And they can both feel it in the way the air seemingly crackles around them, weighs heavily down upon them.

Jane's fingers start to lazily creep underneath her shirt, but she pulls back and lightly wraps her hand around Jane's wrist to stop her. Jane's face crumples into confusion and she tries to reassure her with a tight-lipped grin. "I haven't…I haven't done this in a really long time."

Her voice is barely a whisper, and Jane's face softens. "It's okay. We can—"

"In almost four years, Jane."

Involuntarily, Jane's eyebrows rise. "Really?"

She shyly looks away and nods. "At first I was too busy raising Tanner and working. Then he was diagnosed," she looks back to Jane, "and doing this was one of the last things on my mind."

Jane lightly runs her thumb across a reddened cheek. "It's nothing to be embarrassed about, Maura. You had more important things to do. I get that. Anyone that would judge you for doing the responsible thing instead of sleeping around is an idiot," she leans down and lightly kisses Maura's lips. "And despite what you've probably heard, I'm not an idiot."

It feels like a thousand pounds have been lifted from her shoulders. This is Jane. Jane _loves _her. She should've known Jane never would've judged her for this.

Shakily, Jane's fingers start to undo the buttons on Maura's shirt, but halfway through she pauses and looks down at Maura with eyes shining with tenderness. "Are you sure about this? I don't want to push you—"

"I need this, Jane," she admits, her voice breaking slightly. "Over the past few weeks, I truly realized how awful it would be not to have you in my life and… I don't want to wait anymore. I'm still broken and I still have bad days, but I know I want to be with you. Wholeheartedly," she settles one hand on Jane's to urge her to continue unbuttoning. "So please."

And it's enough.

Only moments later, her clothes are discarded and she's left bare with only the lights from the tree dancing upon her skin. Completely exposed. But she's not afraid. She's not self-conscious. Why should she be? Jane has seen her stripped down; so emotionally vulnerable that there is absolutely nothing left for her to hide.

Jane hovers above her, hands gently sliding up the warm skin of her sides, down her arms, and then stopping at her hands to lace both of theirs together.

"You are so beautiful."

She feels her body flush with the intensity of Jane's roaming eyes. Her stomach clenches when she feels Jane's feather light touch roam down her chest, her sides, to the tops of her thighs. So attentive. Caring. Reverent.

"Thank you," she utters, her fingers finding purchase on Jane's back. "Stay up here?"

"I'm not going anywhere," Jane reassures, kissing her once again.

Jane's fingers trail down between the apex of Maura's legs and she starts slow and steady and careful—like this is fragile and one wrong move might shatter them both into pieces never to be put back together again.

She'd be embarrassed if it were with anyone else, but this is Jane, so when she's already on the edge only minutes later, she doesn't fight it. She allows it. Lets it and Jane consume her completely.

Her eyes clench shut, Jane's name whispered from her lips as she gets hit with wave after wave of her release. Her completion. Her absolution. Jane watches her, and holds her close as she comes apart in Jane's arms.

Jane works her way between the back of the couch and Maura's heavily-breathing body, and pulls Maura close to her chest.

It's heavy breathing, contented sighs, and more than a few moments later when Maura finally snuggles her face closer to Jane's neck. She shivers, and Jane's arms tighter around her.

She grins, inhaling the scent of the other woman. "I love you," she lethargically whispers, humming in delight as Jane drapes the blanket on the back of the couch across them both.

"I love you too," Jane replies, kissing the crown of her hair. "Merry Christmas."

* * *

**I'm so not ready for this story to end. But thank you so much for reading, as always. **


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: I'm obviously not an expert in adoption, so the majority of this is based on what little internet research I've done. It may not be absolutely correct, but for the sake of this story just pretend it is. **

* * *

"What'd they say?"

Maura drops the phone from her ear and walks back to stand by the couch where Jane is sitting. She sighs as she rests lightly against the arm. "The agency said it would be best to keep my distance while the paperwork is evaluated."

Jane's brow crinkles in confusion. "Why?"

She busies herself by picking at pretend lint on her shirt; to keep her emotions from shining through. "So Jace won't further form a bond with me. It would be detrimental to him should the process fall through."

"Oh," Jane halfheartedly responds with a slight nod. She understands _why_ the decision was made, but it's not one she particularly likes. Not for Maura's sake, and definitely not since she's been unable to meet him yet either.

Silence looms between them, and Jane starts to pick at the label. "If this works…What are you going to tell him about Tanner?"

She shrugs. "Nothing."

Jane looks up, her eyebrows arching. "Really?"

She pauses, hoping that the words come out as clearly as she had practiced them. "I don't want to hide Tanner. He was such a big part of my life…but that's the thing. _My_ life. Not Jace's. I never want Jace to think he has to fill someone's shoes or that he's a replacement, because he _isn't," _she explains, subconsciously twisting the ring on her finger. "So, I'm not going to explicitly tell him about Tanner just yet. I don't want Jace to question his place in my life."

Almost incredulously, Jane swings her feet from the coffee table and plants them firmly on the floor. "So you're never going to talk about Tanner again?"

"No, that's not…." Maura takes deep breath, thinking of how to best express herself. "I'll _always _remember Tanner. So it's not like I'm hiding the memories of him, because I'm not. I'll still be able to talk to you about him?" Jane gives an honest, reassuring nod. "I'll still be able to talk to you about him when I have feel like doing so. But Tanner…Tanner is always with me. I don't need to tell everyone about him to know he existed. Because he did. He was alive and he was here…but now he's not. I'll always remember him and feel my love for him. _Always_. But Jace won't." She shrugs, and blinks back the watery prickling of her eyes. "So why make him miss someone he'll never know?"

Jane reaches out and touches Maura's hand, slightly tugging so that Maura is sitting on the couch beside her instead of propped against the arm. Her thumb tenderly runs across the tops of Maura's knuckles. "But what happens when he finds out? About Tanner?"

"I tell him the truth."

"Won't it hurt him worse to know you lied to him?"

"I'm not lying," she replies, her brow wrinkling.

Jane shrugs one shoulder. "You kind of are, Maura."

"No, Jane. I'm not," she refutes with a tinge of frustration in her voice, pulling her hand away from Jane's grasp. "Jace knows loss. He's felt it his entire life. He doesn't talk about it. Is that healthy? No, most likely not. But he doesn't. He knows the pain; he knows what it does to you. So he'll understand why_ I _didn't talk about it. We'll be okay."

Jane looks at her, their eyes locking before Jane gives a reassuring smile. "Well. When the day comes that he finds out, I'll be here for you. Supporting you and…stuff."

She can't help the grin on her face, or the way it feels like her chest swells with joy at the thought of being with Jane years down the road. It's a feeling she can't get enough of. She gives Jane's hand a gentle squeeze. "Thank you."

Maura glances out the window and notices the snow is falling and accumulating just as thickly as it was earlier, despite her wishes that it would slow. "I wish the weather would clear so we could go to the New Year's party tonight. I don't think I've been to one that didn't double as a charity fundraiser."

"Ah, well. This one would've just been a bunch of cops trying to outdrink each other and Korsak pulling up cat videos on his phone again. Be glad you don't have to see that," she says with a scrunched nose as she looks for the remote. "We can still watch the ball drop on tv later. You've seen that before haven't you?"

"Yes," she affirms, leaning back into the couch cushions. A smile tugs at her lips at the memory. "One year Tanner heard some of his peers talking about it and begged to stay up past his bedtime to watch. It took some negotiating, but I finally allowed him to do so. He barely made it past ten before falling asleep with his makeshift party hat in his hand."

Jane's chest tightens, and she wistfully smiles. "I bet he would've liked it."

"Oh he loved it!" Maura responds, her smile growing. "I woke him up just in time to do the countdown. He told everyone we saw for the next three days."

"Well look at you," she teases. "Being a badass and breaking bedtime curfew."

Maura shimmies her shoulders. "I can be _cool_."

"Yeah. Okay. Just don't let it go to your head," Jane laughs, pulling Maura's feet up in her lap. She idly runs her thumb up and down the sock-covered arch as she absentmindedly watches television. It feels comfortable like this. Just being together, even in their silence.

She hits a particularly sensitive spot, and Maura hums in delight. Jane smiles, her fingers pausing only slightly before continuing. "You looked at any apartments yet?"

"No," Maura responds, cracking her eyes open. "I'm going to wait until some of the red tape is cleared to avoid any unnecessary moving."

"Hmm. Well I'm pretty good at bargaining," Jane smirks, pointing to her badge on the table. "If you know what I'm saying. I got my landlord to throw in a _fabulous_ set of blinds for free when I moved in."

"I'll be sure to bring you along then," she responds, a smile growing on her face as she closes her eyes again. "For the sake of fabulously mismatched blinds, of course."

Jane pinches Maura's foot in jest . "They are not mismatched, Doctor Smartypants. How many times do I have to tell you that?"

"You can tell me as many times as you want, but until I somehow lose my ability to distinguish colors, I'm not going to believe you," she replies, lightly laughing at Jane's eye roll. "Cream does not equate with white."

"Close enough." Jane wrinkles her nose as her stomach growls audibly. "You think we can get delivery?"

"We are not going to make someone drive in this weather because you don't know how to cook."

"I know how to cook!" She scowls at Maura's arched brow. "I do. I know how to make all kinds of stuff."

"Such as?"

Jane flounders. There is no other word for it. "….Grilled cheese. And, uhm…spaghetti. You know. Italian stuff."

"Oh, I see," Maura grins. "So I can trust you to make this _Italian stuff_ without destroying your kitchen?"

Jane scoffs, her façade finally breaking into a smile. "I wouldn't bet on it."

"That's what I thought," she playfully replies. Her arms open in invitation for Jane to crawl over and settle against her.

But as soon as the delightful weight of Jane is pressing down upon her, there's a knock on the door.

Jane groans and turns her face to press into Maura's chest. "Don't move. Maybe they'll leave."

"I'm not sure that's the best course of acti—"

She's interrupted by more pecks on the door, and Jane mumbles under her breath as she rolls off Maura and stands.

Her groan is even louder as she looks threw the keyhole and throws open the door. "Ma, what are you doing here?"

Angela smiles and holds up the bags in her hands. "There's no better way to spend New Year's than with food and family!"

"Oh, I bet there is," Jane mutters under her breath. Her arms cross as her mother pushes past her. "Maybe we already _had_ plans."

Rolling her eyes, Angela looks over to Maura instead of her huffing daughter. "Maura is it okay if I come in?"

Jane scoffs. "Really, Ma? This is _my_ apartment."

Maura smiles at Jane's grumpy antics. She knows just how close Jane really was to stomping her foot.

"It's perfectly fine, Angela," she grins—loving how Angela automatically included her in _family_—and walks over and takes a few of the bags from her hands. "Let me help you with that."

* * *

"I can't believe she let you help her with the cappelletti. She doesn't even let _me_ help her with the cappelletti," Jane incredulously says as Maura sits down next to her on the couch.

An airy laugh escapes her lips as she leans into Jane's side. "At least you were fed."

"True," Jane acquiesces. She kisses the crown of Maura's head. "And don't tell Ma, but that was the best cappelletti I've ever had."

Smiling, Maura burrows closer into Jane. "It'll be our secret."

She revels in the warmth of Jane's body against her own, and barely intertwines their fingers together as the television quietly plays in the background. "Did you know that what you do on New Year's Day is said to be what you'll be doing all year?"

Jane nudges her side. "Are you saying _Doctor Isles_ is superstitious?"

"Nooo," she draws out, "I'm merely stating something that some people believe in."

"Mm, okay." Jane wraps her arm around Maura's shoulders and pulls her closer. "But if it _is _true, at least that means I'll be spending all year with you."

"I'd like that," she replies, unable to stop the smile on her face. She'd be more than content to spend the next year with Jane at her side.

The soft tracing of Jane's fingers against her back pulls a yawn from her. "If I fall asleep, be a badass and wake me up for the countdown."

Jane laughs at the reference from earlier. "Don't want to miss the ball drop?"

"No," she sleepily replies. "I just don't want to miss kissing you at midnight."

* * *

**Thank you so much for reading and all the feedback. It's really encouraging/helpful to read what you've had to say!**


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